So, I planned it. I would go to school like normal and say I had games. I would attend school – well because it's become my haven. My best mate said that I could pop round any time, so I was going to make my way down to hers. Go to school and then catch a couple of buses. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to do this but then I knew. It was just, right. So the night before, I was checking I had everything. I wrote a note to my foster parents reading this:

"I'm going away for a while. Don't try to find me; I'll come back when I'm ready. I just need to get away from me, away from people so I don't hurt them like I have already. I'll have my phone but don't try anything. You won't get anything. Just leave me alone. Some of the stuff you do say comes in, doesn't it? Tell my sisters I love them. I'm sorry."

No kisses, just blunt. So the morning, I had everything ready. My bag, my phone was fully charged and I made sure I could put the note somewhere they would find it.

So, I planned it. I would go to school like normal and say I had games. I would attend school – well because it's become my haven. My best mate said that I could pop round any time, so I was going to make my way down to hers. Go to school and then catch a couple of buses. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to do this but then I knew. It was just, right. So the night before, I was checking I had everything. I wrote a note to my foster parents reading this:

"I'm going away for a while. Don't try to find me; I'll come back when I'm ready. I just need to get away from me, away from people so I don't hurt them like I have already. I'll have my phone but don't try anything. You won't get anything. Just leave me alone. Some of the stuff you do say comes in, doesn't it? Tell my sisters I love them. I'm sorry."

No kisses, just blunt. So the morning, I had everything ready. My bag, my phone was fully charged and I made sure I could put the note somewhere they would find it. And then I went about my day, eating breakfast, putting my blazer on, arguing with my sisters when walking down to the bus. I tried not the think about it. I had to think of a story to tell my sisters why I wouldn't on the bus that evening. Umm, I'm going to a friends. It'll do - they're so dumb that wouldn't ask questions. So the day went on, I went to all my lessons, I made sure I didn't act weirdly. I was getting away from the worst place in my life and I was so happy! At the end of school, I made sure I said goodbye to all my friends.

"Hey Guys, I'm going away for a while. So gotta go!!"

Big hugs and kisses all round with all my friends and then I went. Walked out of school - the best place of my life and I was leaving it all behind. Leaving it all behind to get away from myself, my stupid foster family and find myself again. Composing my walk, I made my way to the public bus.


Full of people from school I fought my way to a seat; after paying for a ticket and sat down. Time to pray.

"Lord God, please help me with this descion. It has been playing on my mind for ages. Everything has gone from bad to worse and I just need to get away. Please look after my sisters. The only reason I've left it til now is because of them - I love them soo much and I don't want to be without them. I don't want to hurt them any more than I have already. I pray that you look over them and let your holy spirit fill them. I know you love them so much and I know you love me but please let them understand that Lord. Please Lord."

I stayed like this for the duration of the journey. Praying so hard, with my eyes open, and willing that I could turn back. I couldn't. I really couldn't. I had decided and I couldn't turn back - not now. Off the bus now and I had the choice train or bus. Train - bus. Which one? Well bus gives me more time to think, but train's quicker. I went for bus.

Handing over my £2 for a ticket, I moved my way to the middle of the bus to Oxford and let the tears flow. Letting them all fall. All the emotions that I had hoarded up for so many years because I couldn't talk to anyone about it. No one could ever understand. I never cried, I never laughed, I never smiled. I never shouted, I never screamed, I never silenced. I never had the frame of mind to speak out because I was afraid of what I might find. I never sat in silence because I was afraid of what I might think. Now I was on my own, I could try and work. Try to find myself again, to work hard and find out who I truly am. Fingers crossed.

A saying I always follow around with me in you can change the future but not the past. I can't change the fact my mum died, I can't change the fact I got put into care, I can't change the fact that I was told I was going to fail at life. But I can change where I end up, I can change my grades, I can change me. I can change my image, my feelings, my emotions and what I do and say.