Sunlight After The Rain
We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28 - New American Standard Translation
I am pretty sure that everyone here knows this, but if not, the situation is that I have had a miscarriage. This one was not my first miscarriage, but it is the first one that I have had since being married. The first miscarriage that i had occurred when I was nineteen and unmarried. But the focus of this particular paper is not for me to vent about losing a baby. The focus is for me to share an experience with people I love.
When I got back to work, a man by the name of David Coleman quoted the aforementioned Scripture to me. Of course, it is one that I've heard and many others have all heard so many times, but it is also one that I did not have memorized word for word, neither was I able to connect the verse number with the text, but it is one that I'm sure that I will remember from now on, because something extraordinary took place, and I missed it.
God allowed something to happen to me for no reason known to me - something that is the most terrible thing that I could think to happen to me. In the course of my short life, I've been molested, I've been raped, suffered from all manner of depression and emotional disorders, attempted suicide, and I've had miscarriages, among other terrible things... and actually - in my personal opinion and experience, having a miscarriage is the worst thing that could happen to me.
I have a certain fear of having a miscarriage, and this has been going on since my first one at nineteen. Generally, if I think that I might be pregnant, the first emotion that occurs within me is automatically panic, because I look at the issue as something could go wrong.
This time around, I held to this thought that nothing could go wrong. Even when I began having complications, I was afraid, but I was telling myself that nothing would go wrong - that there was no way that God was going to make me go through that again, because He knows that it is the worse thing, in my mind, that i can go through. Then, it happened.
And, for many days, I could not gather up my thoughts properly. I wanted to stay in the frame of mind that this was all a misunderstanding, that the test was wrong, blah, blah, blah, and went into a brief exercise of feeling tremendously disappointed, and not knowing exactly what disappointed me more - the fact that I had believed that everything would be okay and it was not, or the fact that God had given me a child, only to take it away.
I haven't wanted to discuss the issue, because I did not want to sound bitter, but to be honest - for a moment, I was bitter. Mostly, I blamed myself - I must have done something wrong, maybe I'm not good enough to be a mother, etc. I stayed in the house, for the most part, and couldn't really motivate myself to do much. So, I tried to stay positive and pray and read and content myself. But, basically, it became an issue of just being all out confused and confounded about why I had to go through this. I know that I'm not exempt from anything, but that doesn't mean that I want to experience the worse things in life.
But, after Mr. Coleman talked to me, and to be honest, it wasn't even a long conversation, and he called upon Scripture to assist me in my situation, I realized something. I did better than before. That isn't much, but it's a start. Before, I spun completely out of control. That was the start of years of self destruction. It was the start of years of spiraling downward, digging deeper holes for myself, and years of letting the Devil have his way with me, tearing me apart from the inside out. Before, I let this same exact situation ruin my life. Now, I'm dealing with it - not fully understanding exactly what's going on, but dealing with it in the meantime, and it's all because of having a portion of God's words, God's promises to hold on to.
This is why it is so important for Christians to stay in their Word. Because some of us do not have all the answers we seek. Some of us are going through some things that we have no idea how we are going to deal with, and we are trying to hold on, hanging on, at times, merely by a thread... in those instances, we need each other to remind us of what his word says, to remind us that even though we might not understand it, and even though it might hurt, if we love Him, if we are His own, He causes all things to work together for our good.
Likewise, if we are His children, we ought to show some growth and some improvement. If faced with a trial today that we couldn't endure for nothing nine years ago, and not only enduring it, but actually accepting that it is what must have been necessary for our own good, then we gained even more than we thought that we even lost! And that is what has happened to me. Yes, I did lose something, something of great importance to me, but I've also gained. I've gained growth and I've gained strength, and I am grateful unto God for that.