Edward is 42, he has dark brown eyes, brown hair and a moustache. Both of his parents died in a car crash in 1983 during a trip to Glasgow. The car crash left Edward a paraplegic. in 1993, he moved to a farm in Ipswich with his Uncle George and his son, Michael where he hoped to start a new life. Edward suffers from manic depression and has done since the car crash that left him without his legs. A bitter man, Edward spends most of his time alone in his study listening to his extensive record collection, music became Edward's passion since the accident but he found that even his most favoured pieces of music could not provide an escape from the harsh realities of his disability. Never coming to terms with his problems, he shuns his son and his Uncle George almost as if they were to blame. Rarely did he speak to his family; their mutual understanding was such that Edward was never to be disturbed.
Edward woke up one morning in a state of elation. For the first time in 24 years, Edward was fulfilled, for during the night, Edward had left his study with nothing but a flashlight and 4 rolls of sellotape. Driven by determination and an intensifying will to walk again, he made his way to his stables at the west of his farm, wheeling himself through the pouring rain that had kept him awake throughout the night. He came upon Commando, his prized horse who was sleeping quietly. Lifting himself from his chair and lowering himself onto the back of Commando, Edward began his work.
Edward was a happy man, he now had 4 legs. Commando, the horse onto whose back Edward had sellotaped himself, was not a very happy horse, he now had a cripple on his back and had no way to get it off. Edward spent 3 years happily travelling the west coast of Ipswich with Commando. Commando and Edward had become very close in those 3 years and had decided, after 3 years, to book a flight to The United States of America. Edward and Commando set off to the airport, with them they took 3 bags of rice, a beef sandwich and 13 grams of cocaine. Upon reaching the airport, Edward and Commando handed their tickets to a nice lady named Samantha, checked in their luggage and took a seat at the airport branch of Starbucks. Edward ordered a Latte with extra marshmallows and Commando, being a horse, ordered an espresso. While Edward and Commando enjoyed their Coffee flavoured drinks, a man named Keith sat down at a table nearby, or at least they assumed his name was Keith. It so happened that his name was Kevin, not Keith.
"Hello" said Edward. Kevin, understandably, was ignoring the man who was sellotaped to a horse.
"Hello? Keith?" Kevin continued to ignore Edward, keeping his eyes fixed on his drink, hoping the spastic on a horse would soon tire.
"Keith? Keith?! Hello?" This continued for another 4 or so minutes until Kevin stood up, wiped his mouth with a napkin on which an advert for buy one get one free magazines from W. was printed, and left the cafe.
"Come on Commando, lets follow Keith," said Edward. Commando reared up from his chair, wiped his mouth with a napkin on which an advert for buy one get one free magazines from w. was printed, and left the cafe, following Kevin. Kevin, having obviously paid attention to the advert for buy one get one free magazines from w. that was printed on the napkin he recently used, was making his way to w., probably to buy a magazine in the hope that after buying one, he would get another one free. Commando and Edward were following Kevin in the stealthiest way a horse with a spacker sellotaped to it's back could. Of course, even under their spy cloak, there was no hiding the hooves. They went clippity clop, clippity clop.
Arriving at W., Kevin entered through an automatic door. Commando and Edward followed him in and watched as he bought a magazine. He then handed over a slighty dirty napkin which he had recently wiped his mouth on. It had an advert for buy one get from free for magazines in W., a place he was currently standing. Kevin threw the magazine he was originally trying to purchase, a copy of 'Judas Priest: The Magazine' straight in the lovely old lady's face, whom was serving him. She was very old and immiediately passed wind. It smelled a bit like an old bike.
"Oh!" exclaimed the old lady. Kevin was having none of it and began screaming at her and picked up another copy of 'Judas Priest: The Magazine' and threw it in her face. He continued to do this until, shortly afterwards, he ran out of these magazines and moved onto 'Collins Maximum Atlas'. It was hard back and had lots of places in it. It even had a decent road map of Mexico, a place no-one even visits! There was one place missing, an unchronicled region in Zambia that no-one could get inside because people are normally up for shooting people that weren't from around there. It hit her square in the mouth and knocked out 5 of her teeth.
"Keith man!" screamed Edward, "that is not on!"
Commando was feeling less charitable; he hated the bitch. Whilst Keith got GBH-style on the cashier, Edward noticed the bloodied 'Collins Maximum Atlas' had opened at the page detailing Zambia. Edward believed this to be a sign - divine intervention - as Zambia just happened to be in America.
Edward decided it was time to leave, as Commando was an impressionable chap, the chaos in W. was not helping the horse's anger. The pair made haste, with Kevin following shortly behind.
Some time passed, and Edward and Commando had boarded their plane. They were sitting beside a cockney. They both agreed a long time ago that cockneys weren't to be trusted. Edward wasn't sure, but he suspected that a cockney was behind the accident on the fateful day that he lost his legs, and subsequently, always treated cockneys with suspicion.
Good day, guv nor! Sweep your chimney? he said. Edward was slightly dismayed by this horrible euphomism and blatent pass on Commando, and the way he seemed to completely disregard Edward. Commando was paying the Cockney no attention though, he was much more interested in Keith who was situated in the seat 3 rows ahead and 2 to the left. He had managed to by-pass security after becoming the most wanted man in the airport for causing greif to 18 different people and knocking out 5 of their teeth each. He had avoided security be adopting a disguise of a giant ant. Nobody paid him any attention while a cripple on a horse trotted about the place...