Aramark Establishes Benevolent Dictatorship
Brandeis students were surprised once again this year as they discovered that some voting thing had happened in relation to the Student Union and 98% of them had, for the 83rd year running, failed to vote. Student Union Marketing Director Martha Sands noted that "this alarming trend toward non-voting student demographics continuing to not vote is probably attributable to the fact that we at the Student Union Marketing Division actually do our damndest to discourage students from voting. See, if we're the only people voting, we never have to muck around with any of that 'representation' business. It's just better for everyone."
At that point, Aramark executive Norm Bluckahan came out of his secret underground lair and expressed a glorious and revolutionary ideal. "The Brandeis student body just doesn't care about representation," Bluckahan said. "Considering this, I find it highly unlikely that they will protest if I were to abolish the Student Union entirely and install an Aramark-controlled benevolent dictatorship for the good of the entire University. Any responses? No? Well, all right then."
While the short Reign of Terror that followed was an unfortunate period, the new era of peace and prosperity at Aramark Star University (formerly known as "Brandeis University") is unquestionably worth it. As any Undergraduate Learning Subject (ULS) will attest, the constant toil to fulfill their indentured debt to our Glorious and Beloved Leader is intensely enjoyable. "Oh, it's great," ULS Frank DeMarcos said. "I only have one class per week, something about the fair prices of food in world economies, and they let me have four whole hours of Allotted Social Time per week! Oh, and the pellets are delicious." In fact a recent poll conducted by Aramark Marketing Director Martha Sands determined a 100% student approval rate regarding the new changes after the first week.
All in all, this shift in power has provided a wonderful new opportunity for Aramark Star University to expand and become more efficient. From our Glorious Studies of Science for the Benefit of the People department to our Enlightened Discussion of the Superiority of Aramark over Humanity department, the University is running more efficiently than ever before. Here's to our success, and let's hope Aramark is able to deprive us of even more of our unalienable rights in the near future!