§ phronemophobia §
I stood there, leaning against a single tree, all alone on top of a small hill which overlooked the city. It was becoming dusk, and my mind was filled with thoughts, imagination, and self war. Tonight was going to be one of those nights, the same nights I fear most, and would give up anything to stop them. I usually come here to think things through, and when I am satisfied I leave. Tonight however, is different. I have no idea what is wrong with me, but I feel that my thoughts have turned into a war that is slowly eating at me. Do I have no sanity? Have my own thoughts turned against me to slowly form me into a deranged psychopath? I close my eyes and listened to the silence, and cold bitter stillness in the world around me. It feels like I am the only one here, and even if I was, my life it seems to me wouldn't be any different. The wind caressed my face as it whipped my hair in every direction, but I made no attempt to fix it. For tonight, I am to afraid to think. I am scared to think anymore then I already am, as if I did, I would be brought into a emotionally painful mental overlap crisis. That even years from now, I would have yet to recover from.
I sighed, the fresh, cold, brisk, air fills my lungs and for a second or two, I feel relieved from the monster headache that pounded with each thought. Crying out in agony in my temples, and making me sick to my stomach. My fear started to act up again and I slouched, sitting down finally and wrapping my arms around my knees. I started to bask in the feeling of relief from my poor tired legs, but only for a second until I felt the throbbing pain of a lump making its way to my throat, forcing my eyes to produce warm salty tears. I only started to cry harder when I wondered why, if my tears were filled with salt, why hasn't my eyes start to burn? The thought irked me, and I shuddered. No more thoughts, I can't..... n-no.
My hands started to perspire and I felt them become clammy and warm. I rocked a little in fear before attempting to put my sanity together, and I closed my eyes to try to clear my mind. I abruptly stood up, and wiped my now ice cold hands on my jeans. Noticing the now blackened sky, I knew that I would have to endure the thoughts on the way back home. The very idea made my body shake briefly but I quickly recovered, and as I made my way down the hill. The cold night air enveloped me and froze over my emotions. I composed myself, and even though my whole being was fighting a raging war inside of me. I looked completely normal, no matter the amount of pain I was really in.
Have you ever thought of something so much that you just couldn't get your mind off it? A very thought that sooner or later ends up making you dwell into the topic even more deeper then you first originally thought you would? This very same thought would haunt you until you understood and finally got to the bottom of it, and it would just pull you deeper in until that was all you could focus on, and the deeper your mind was in the topic, the more pain you would have to endure until you finally came to a conclusion? Yes, this happens to me. Every time I am alone and I start to think, and that, has become my greatest fear. To think philosophy wise and take a thought to a deeper level of thinking.
You may not believe it, but you can literally drive yourself to insanity doing nothing but thinking like that. It is to me anyway, a dangerous concept, and for a strange reason. Even though I feared it, I also enjoyed it. The thrill of figuring something out, was the feeling I craved. It seemed to make all the pain and agony go away, or always seem worth it. I would explain my thoughts to others, and they would give me strange looks. As if they never thought of something that way before, or maybe I would try to explain it and end up not being able to find the right words to get them to understand my way of thinking.
I have told no one of the fear or pain of my thoughts, except my mother. Who has sent me to many mental doctors regarding my state, but I seemed fine to them. My pain and suffering is not real, but my fear has just tricked me into thinking that if I do think, it will hurt. The relief of not thinking because of my fear at the end is the feeling that I apparently crave, but my mind is eluded. I believe that I do figure something out and I do accomplish something of great importance, but I actually don't. Are you following this?
Anyway, when I reached my home. I fell asleep without saying a word to my family, the thoughts still burning through my head made me more then eager to fall asleep. I couldn't wait for a clear, blank mind, and I couldn't wait to just forget it all. To feel safe, to feel secure, to feel invincible, untouched even, and to be enveloped in my own personal sanctuary. The fear would numb away, and so would my thoughts. At least, until I remember sometime the next day, when... when I think once again.
But... when that happens, will I be able to endure the day until I would be able to curl up in my comfortable sanctuary once again? What will happen when I do remember? Also, when I do remember... will I freak out during school and fail to seem or be labeled as one of the normal kids on the first day? I bet it will be my downfall tomorrow though...
I wish I could just sleep forever, or be able to clear my mind like one person can do whilst sleeping, to fully shut down all thoughts, and to block out everything, and everyone.
Its like... anything that happens during the day doesn't matter because you're already here. You're safe, and in the comforting darkness. Where no one else mattered, where no ones insults can reach you, where even in the most horrifying times of your life you can still feel happy. In the darkness the feeling of belonging and warmth envelopes you and day after day you seem to begin to crave it. Peace... finally peaceful.
I could talk for days and list many things that benefit from sleeping, and the many reasons why I enjoy it. For now, however you will just have to sleep yourself and relish in the feeling yourself, because I know you will understand soon enough what I mean.
To understand the desire to just sleep the day, and your troubles, and thoughts away......
My thoughts... away... gone... forever.