You're Not My Type
You're not my type.
You rank maybe a 6.450903 on the hotness scale out of 10, and that's on your good days. Sure, some days I find myself staring into your dull brown eyes a little longer than necessary, but I could get 11s if I tried. So don't think you're anything special.
You're not very bright.
At first, it was kind of amusing how you asked me what time the 24 hour convenience store closed or how (99/102) can be a probability when the denominator is over 100, but after a while, it gets annoying trying to explain the concept of opportunity cost to you. I mean, you wouldn't get it even if it smacked you in the head. And that little furrow you get in your forehead when you're trying to concentrate? Yeah, that's not cute. At all. I bet in a few years, there'll be a permanent crease there. Good thing I won't be around when that happens.
You're a klutz.
If it's a noun and it's tangible, you'll find a way to break, run into, or trip over it. Sometimes I think you do it on purpose. It's impossible to go anywhere with you because no matter where you go, the sound of crashing is sure to follow. That's why I always make sure to walk slightly behind you. It's not so that I can catch you when you fall, it's so I can pretend I don't know you if you do something embarrassing. Okay, so I do catch you most of the time, but only because my mother raised me to be a gentleman and I wouldn't want to disappoint her or anything.
You hang around other guys too much.
You say they're just friends. Yeah right, have you seen the way they look at you? Although, I really don't understand why. You are a 6.450903 after all. I think you should stop having so many guy "friends." It's not that I'm jealous that they spend so much time with you. In fact, I'm glad to have moments away from you. But it's a well known statistic that when women are sexually assaulted, the majority of the time the attacker was somebody they knew. The more guys you know, the more your chances of assault increases. So really, I'm just looking out for your well-being.
You're too much of a homebody.
Your idea of a fun night is staying in and watching a movie on the couch. Bo-ring. So maybe I kind of like it when I put my arm around your shoulder and you lean into me. But that's only because your shoulder makes a better armrest than the one on the couch and your body keeps me warm since you always hog the seat closer to the fireplace. And so what if my heart does this funny little jumping thing when we sit like that? It's probably because your weight is squishing the blood vessels in my body and they can't get to my heart properly. So if I die of a heart attack and they ask how something like that could happen to such a healthy and athletic young man, know that it was your fault.
You make my friends ask me annoying questions.
No, not questions like what I got on the math test (98.6%) or if I will drive them home (probably not), but questions like what the deal is between me and you. How come I haven't looked at other girls as much lately? (Uh because summer just passed and it's not bikini season anymore?). How come I laugh so much with you when I barely smile at anyone else? (I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you). When am I going to ask you out? (Now). I'm going to ask you out now. Don't get confused, it's not because I like you. It's not because you make my lips twitch, or because I can't stand the thought of other guys with you, or because you make me feel funny. It's just to get my idiotic friends off my back, because telling them you're my girl is way easier than answering all their questions. So yeah, it's definitely not because I like you. I mean, I could get 11s if I tried. I'm just too lazy to right now.