The MST3K Theory
A/N: Sheldon hatches a wacky idea to subject his friends to an experiment involving what he has learned is called "MST3King" a film. Intrigued, he acts as the observer to the actions of his volunteers and gets involved in the experiment himself.
~*~ CAST ~*~
Scene 1--Sheldon's Announcement
(As the gang is sitting around the table eating Chinese food)
Sheldon: You probably are wondering why I have gathered you all here tonight.
Penny: We eat here practically every night, Sheldon. Why is this so different ?
Sheldon: I acknowledge your attempt at sarcasm but am not quite liking your tone.
Raj: (whispers to Howard) Raj says to get on with it, while we're young.
Sheldon: Mr. gynophobia could've said so himself if he had wanted to.
Bernadette: That's just mean, Sheldon. You should be nicer to him.
Sheldon: (forces a smile, quickly drops it) Onto the real reason why you are all here tonight. I was researching something called MST3K and thought I had found the perfect movie for you to MST3K.
Howard: (excitedly) You mean we get to be volunteers in a MST3K experiment ?
Sheldon: You are correct, Howard. However, I will be the one observing you so I do not intend to become involved.
Bernadette: (excitedly) Could you at least clue us in to the type of movie we'll be watching ?
Sheldon: It's a children's film, and the premise is centered on a bracelet that has been kept by a woman since World War II which contains special properties.
Howard: Sounds fairly promising, and interesting. Sort of like a different version of 'The Mask', maybe.
Raj: (whispers in his ear)
Howard: (laugh) Raj says it'll probably be nowhere near as good.
Sheldon: Lack of open mind, check.
Raj: (looking a bit miffed) (whispers again)
Howard: Raj says if he weren't Hindu, he'd smother you with your own pillow in your sleep.
Sheldon: Disturbing, but warranted.
Scene 2--The Bracelet of Bordeaux
Leonard: (returning with popcorn and sodas) I took the liberty of providing refreshments.
(As he sets popcorn and sodas down for all, Penny hugs him)
Penny: You're so thoughtful !
Bernadette: (turns on the DVD player)
Howard: Mmm, I could get used to that view.
Bernadette: (bashfully, mock punching Howard in the arm) Howie ! (giggles)
(starts up the movie)
Penny: Monterey Studios ? Never heard of them.
Leonard: That makes all of us. Must be an indie-studio.
Bernadette: A studio in Indianapolis ?
Raj: (stifles a giggle)
Howard: (pats her leg affectionately) No, honey. It means 'independent'.
Bernadette: (perky laugh) Oh ! Thanks, sweetie. (kisses his cheek)
Leonard: I know I have said this before, but I'll repeat myself anyway. Wallowitz, never ever let that girl go.
Raj: (Shushing them)
(Sheldon franticly takes notes on his computer, observing his volunteers closely)
Penny: (reading) 1942. Bordeaux, France.
Howard: (seeing a young lady holding a Nazi uniform) Oh dear God, my worst fears realized…Woah. Wait a minute. Why is she burning up everything ?
Bernadette: What's with the freaky bracelet ?
Howard: Were you not listening, my sweet cupcake ?
Penny: (Shushes them) It's just starting, guys !
Leonard: Don't shush him…It's rather sophomoric.
Penny: (puts nose up in the air) Hmmph.
Bernadette: (reading Helen's List) 10 Reasons Why I'll Hate My New Home. Gee, someone's pessimistic.
Howard: Yeah, no doubt. Wonder where she's going ?
(The pilot announces that they will be landing in Texas soon and one of the flight attendants tries to coax a 'mile wide Texas smile' from Helen. Her parents try to get her to feel better about this new transition but she doesn't seem enthusiastic.)
Penny: (sarcastically) I can already tell this trip is going to be tons of fun.
Leonard: Yeah, I don't envy Helen at all. (snickers)
Sheldon: It's no wonder the passengers look completely winded…The summers in Texas can reach marks of over 100 degrees. Welcome to Texas…Indeed.
(There are two cheerleaders welcoming everyone to the town of 'Chem', Texas.)
Howard: (wolf whistle)
Bernadette: (glowers and growls)
Howard: You know I prefer brains over huge bazongas any day, dear.
(Helen makes a remark about killing her dad.)
Penny: Yikes, little girl's a bit harsh don't you think ?
Sheldon: I'd wager. She may have some sort of parental issues with him that are unresolved.
Leonard: I thought you weren't going to be chipping in comments, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I am merely making oral observation about character development and plot.
Raj: (murmurs) Or lack thereof.
(Helen walks with her mother out of the airport and rushes toward her Papillion, Rufus. She remarks on how awful it must've been to fly with adults.)
Bernadette: What a cute doggie !
Howard: (tickling her playfully) Not half as cute as you, Bernie !
Bernadette: (titters) How adorable ! My first pet name !
Raj: (rolls eyes and makes a gagging motion, which Leonard sees and laughs at silently)
Penny: If I had passed up my dad like Helen just did, my backside would've been tanned.
(Soon, Helen's father, Lubbock asks Rufus to sniff out where he parked the car, but it doesn't really need to be 'sniffed out'. Once they find it, he unlocks it and it plays the first few lines of 'Yellow Rose of Texas')
Leonard: Could her father be any more tacky ? (shudder) And what kind of name is Lubbock ?
Sheldon: (smartly) It's a town in Texas, so that makes sense.
Penny: Don't be a smart-aleck, Sheldon.
(A ridiculous song about Texas plays, mentioning in the lyrics that someday they'll see the face of God through the Ozone hole.)
Leonard: That song was either the cleverest one I've heard or the lamest. I mean, come on ! "No other place can be so refined ?" That's just retarded.
(The family finds the home they recently came to purchase, and the wife says it is one of the best and friendliest neighborhoods they know of. Helen reads a newspaper, "Crime up 90 percent.)
Howard: Friendly neighborhood my tuches.
Sheldon: I would not move into such a place. Clearly the newspaper says the crime rate is atrociously high. (continues taking notes)
(By the time the parents open the door, Marie is tied up with ropes)
Howard: Someone took knot tying in scouts a bit far.
Bernadette: Howard, you're weird but I love you all the more for it.
(Marie is untied and explains that her dog has been stolen by a bully.)
Penny: (darkly) When bullies attack young defenseless French mademoiselles ! Next on Jerry Springer !
Bernadette: Penny, that jerk just stole Marie's puppy ! He is the lowest of the low.
(The two of them strike up a friendship, get to know Grandmere. The girls start to do some snooping around about Dirk and begin to get more information about them. )
Howard: You are right, this does sort of give punks and Goths a bad name. Not all of them are dark, twisted individuals, but they do have a great sense of style.
Bernadette: (raised brow) And how would you know that ?
Raj: (mouthing) Not a good time, not a good time !
Howard: (nervous laugh) Nothing, sweetie ! Let's just keep watching the movie, shall we ?
Bernadette: (Snuggles close to him and sighs peacefully, he looks at Penny and mouths "I'm SO happy !")
Penny: (shakes head left and right, but smiles incandescently)
(Marie mentions that the bully took their furniture as well. Lubbock asks why, and Helen retorts, sharply, "It's a CRIME, dad.")
Bernadette: Yeah, dad. Duh !
(Marie explains where she is from and Helen and she become next door neighbors and best of friends.)
Howard: Wood sprouts ! Heh, I guess that's their version of Girl Scouts.
Penny: (repeating the girl's pledge) Onward ever…Backward never !
(The meet the gang of Goths, lead by Dirk. Dirk mentions his nefarious plot.)
Howard: (laughs) You're right, karma will certainly be a bitch to him once this is over.
Bernadette: Is it me, or do these characters remind you of a gothic version of the lost boys from Peter Pan ?
Penny: Yeah, I can definitely see that.
Leonard: But without any redeeming qualities, apparently.
(Dirk gets a call from his Uncle Sal.)
Sheldon: (sarcastically) Oh, wonderful. A stereotypical Italian-American stereotype.
All: (except Sheldon) Mafia.
Howard: Does ever villain alive have to be affiliated with underground crime ?
(Helen is met by her mother, who scolds her about her uniform.)
Bernadette: This is the second time someone made a crack about her uniform !
Leave the girl be. Yeesh, this lady's worse than my mom !
Howard: Your mother monogrammed your diapers like Helen's mom did ?
Bernadette: (shivers) Even worse than that. Not only that but she also forced me to wear baby-doll shoes and cutesy clothes until I was 16 years old. (groan) It was hell on earth.
Howard: Know how you feel babe. (squeezes her hand)
(Helen's mother informs her that she can simply play with Marie, and they go searching for clues about her poodle.)
Leonard: (singing) Sign my poodle, sil vous plais ! Sign my poodle, sil vous plais !
Poodle ! Poodle !
Penny: (slaps face and shakes head from left to right)
(The two friends search the costume shop after talking to the freaky geezer in front.)
Sheldon: This only proves the inherent importance of keeping a good hygiene.
Harold: No doubt.
Raj: (physically shudders)
(The girls talk to the clerk inside and he apparently doesn't care for the punks who did the dog napping.)
Bernadette: And even more incorrect pigeon holes. French fries are only 'French' because they are served in the French manner.
Howard: You never cease to amaze me. (leans in to kiss her and she reciprocates, and soon they start making out)
(Helen and Marie are warned that there are dark forces they are contending with they don't understand.)
Leonard: Did this just become a horror movie or a sci-fi epic ?
Penny: (laughing heartily)
(The girls go through an insect infested area.)
Sheldon: Well that's just irritating. Illogical, as well. As far as I remember growing up we didn't have pest-infested areas like that.
(Howard carries Bernadette off the couch away into another room, closes the door behind him, and the two start laughing, loudly)
Raj: (looks around and sees that Howard and Bernadette left popcorn behind, shrugs and begins eating it)
(The kid at the ice cream stand is interrogated by Helen and Marie, and he is a complete jerk to Marie.)
Leonard: My youth, revisited.
Penny: (pats his hand) Aww, poor baby.
(Helen is distracted by a football player, and the two cheerleaders from the beginning appear again.)
Penny: Isn't he just a smidge old for her ?
Leonard: And what in the name of all that is sensible are those girls from the beginning doing in the park ?
Sheldon: Maybe they're running gags ? (shrugs)
(Soon the girls are confronted by a crotchety old woman who is glad that Marie's dog is gone, and hopes the same for Rufus.)
Sheldon: (aghast) What a mean old hag !
(Howard and Bernadette begin moaning and groaning in the background and exclaiming joyously.)
Raj: It's about time he got lucky…God and I wondered how long it was going to take them !
Leonard: (shocked) Raj !
Raj: You were wondering it too !
(Dirk soon calls Grandmere while she searches for her hearing aid, and he demands money from her. She soon says that she was involved in the French Resistance. Dirk has no idea what that is.)
Sheldon: Someone dropped out of school early. Which explains why he's in that wretched street gang. Hmmph.
(In the background)
Bernadette: Oh, yes ! Talk NERDY to me, Howie !
Sheldon: (irritated) Would you two keep it down !
Howard: (satisfied moan) Sorry…but…I can't help it !
Sheldon: (turns up volume)
(The two girls are looking at items in the attic and find a chest, which Helen ultimately opens after Marie tells Helen the story of her Grandmere. Helen takes the bracelet.)
Leonard: Doesn't she know it's never a good idea to take something that has untold magical powers ?
Penny: Apparently not.
(Helen uses the bracelet for payback)
Penny: Why on earth did she rent a burke…of all things ?
(She begins to speed away)
Leonard: For a slightly chunky girl she certainly is fast.
(The mean kid selling ice cream is taken care of by Helen)
Sheldon: She really gave him what for, didn't she ?
(The girls plan to return tomorrow to the park to follow the little boy they saw who was 'like a little angel')
Leonard: Awww, I think someone has a crushy-wushy.
(The girls talk about the power of the bracelet. Then the police come.)
Penny: (sing-song like) Someone's in trouble !
(Meanwhile, Marie is in the house looking at a WW II photograph of people saluting Hitler and she decides she wants to try it.)
Sheldon: How cute. A little Arian in the making.
Penny: (tsks) They just keep getting younger and younger.
Raj: Glad Howard isn't here to see this, he'd squeal like a little girl.
(The girls, in their Wood Sprout uniforms, recruit help from local Wood Sprouts. Again, the jock is in another room being drawn by little girls.)
Penny: Isn't that just a little risqué for young girls ? They haven't even grown breasts or started their periods yet !
Sheldon: (scouring glance) Penny. T.M.I..
Penny: (chagrined) Oops.
(They get help from a girl who's father is a veterinarian)
Leonard: Uncle 'El' ? What the heck ?
Sheldon: Oh, GOD…Not a music montage… That was fast, thankfully.
Penny: Dirk killed Elka ? What a bastard !
Leonard: Yep, he pretty much is a major douche bag.
Sheldon: First a music montage, and now a stupid boogie woogie dream montage ? Ugh, how much more of this tripe do I have to endure ?
(Helen begs for ransom money. She soon goes to a Wood Sprout meeting and her mom shows up unexpectedly.)
Leonard: And this is completely predictable as planned.
(They make their way to Mumsie's house, and talk to Bart, and get nowhere.)
Sheldon: Looks like we have a dirty cop up to no good.
Leonard: And they found Bart's missing glasses.
Penny: (unenthusiastically) The plot thickens.
(Dirk's hair can be seen over the fence.)
Leonard: It's Jaws. Punk style !
(Dirk smashes his face between the planks of the fence.)
Penny: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny !
(Bart explains Uncle Sal's nefarious plot, since the dogs can't fight back or talk.)
Penny: What kind of a bully name is 'Dirk' ? (laughing) One that strikes fear into the hearts of all he encounters, down to their bones ?
(Helen, wearing a burke, follows Bart as he is carried away by Dirk.)
Sheldon: And she doesn't feel that she'd conjure suspicion in that outfit in this day of uncertainty ?
Penny: Doesn't seem likely, Sheldon.
(A bicycle chase ensues. And finally she rides through the insect infested area.)
Sheldon: See ! My prediction was correct. The pest-infested road was helpful after all.
Penny: She's making her way to Sal's boat. And…there are all the poor dogs. Now I'm glad that Bernadette doesn't have to see this.
Bernadette: (giggling loudly) Oh, Howie, my sweet Jewish stallion ! I'll ride you into the sunset !
Raj: (snickering) Dog farting conspiracy. I've heard of many other protests but never one of this magnitude.
(Helen decides to use the bracelet again against Dirk. She gets into a fight with Marie and then there is another sappy music montage, which everyone moans about. She also learns she doesn't have enough money to get Rufus back. Her mom and dad want to buy her a new puppy.)
Leonard: Wow, she really told her dad off.
Penny: I'd be mad too, if I lost my dog !
(Helen slips the grasp of her mother and joins with Uncle El to rescue Rufus.)
(She soon goes through the forest at the dock.)
Raj: When did this become 'The Jungle Book ' ?
(Helen and Bart find themselves in a predicament since Dirk pulled the cork in the boat, but Marie has the bracelet. She throws it to Helen and she turns into a magician, who in turn, transforms Dirk into a ballerina.)
(They laugh momentarily, except for Sheldon, who shakes his head in agony.)
Raj: Looks like the cavalry has arrived.
Sheldon: Apparently only girls can implement the bracelet's powers.
Leonard: Perhaps, but I think that the user of the bracelet must be benevolent.
(The punks are taken by the police, and Bart is reunited with Doodles. The Mob is taken down by the FBI. The dogs are returned to their owners. Soon a newspaper reading "Dognappers Busted" appears at Helen's front door. Marie gets Elka back.)
Sheldon: I can't believe you thought that they'd kill a dog in a children's movie.
Leonard: It happened in Ol' Yeller, and in one of the Benji films.
Sheldon: Good point.
(Bart is among those being rewarded.)
Penny: Gee, Bart cleans up nicely.
(Marie and Helen go behind stage and Helen is taken aside by Grandmere to talk about the power of the bracelet, and the bracelet is bequeathed to her. She makes amends for the wrong she enacted on the old woman earlier. Credits roll and the kids look rather unhappy in the shots, even one guy makes a lame cheer about Rufus.)
Penny: I've heard many cheers in my lifetime, but never one so corny.
Leonard: Should we coax Harold and Bernadette back out here since the (makes quotation marks) film (end quote) is over.
Sheldon: (rolling eyes, sighs heavily)
(Sheldon pulls Howard and Bernadette out of the room after they have dressed.)
Sheldon: Experiment's over.
Howard: As far as I am concerned, it was only just beginning. (nudges Bernadette)
Bernadette: (titters) Oh, Howie !
Howard: What did we miss ?
Sheldon: Not much, just that terrible song about Texas.
Howard: I can surmise all ends well ?
Raj: It does, in fact, Marie gets Elka back.
Bernadette: Oh, good ! I adore a movie with a happy ending.
Sheldon: I can see my MST3K experiment was a success.
Leonard: What did you learn, anyhow ?
Sheldon: I assessed that horribly written movies are great fodder for copulation, for one.
Howard: (raises hand, huge grin) Guilty !
Sheldon: Secondly, they bring friends like us together, an unlikely motley crew.
Bernadette: Like the band ?
Penny: (shakes head left and right)
Sheldon: We will have to do this again sometime.
Howard: (amorously) Soon, real, REAL soon !
Bernadette: Howie ! You bad, bad boy ! (slaps his arm playfully)
Sheldon: Seeing that the experiment has been a success, I would like to have my living area cleaned and all of you to leave the premises.
Penny: Same ol' Sheldon.
(Everyone cleans up before leaving, and saying their goodbyes.)
Penny: Hey, Sheldon ?
Sheldon: Yes, Penny ?
Penny: (hugging him) Just because, as a show of my thanks.
Sheldon: (smiles lightly) You are more than welcome.
(Penny is the last to leave)
Sheldon: (with a wide grin) A successful experiment, indeed.
(Roll credits, "Chem City, Texas" plays)