One thing I've learnt is that no matter how hard you try to hold on, you always end up letting go.
And let me tell you something, being left behind for the 700th time is no great joy.
I stare at the email my former best friend left me.
'You are honestly the most over-reactive, needy, insecure person that I have ever met,'
I feel the same numbness spreading over my body, the tears splatter onto my keyboard. Again.
You think I don't know that?
The guy who had always loved me, for who I was, the person that could handle me in my stupid bitchy moods – couldn't handle me anymore.
My bitter smile widens and I let out a short harsh laugh, mingled with the choked sobs strangling my throat.
"Oh you just can't take it can you." I wonder aloud.
Yet, I couldn't even scream at him. I could scream at the world, bitch about him to all my friends…but couldn't bring myself to yell at him.
Why should I? It would just be another mark against me – another 'see-how-bitchy-she-is' remark.
I let out a long sigh. I am so fucked up.
And yet, it wasn't one of those 'I'm secretly in love with you' friendships. It was one of those genuine LOVE friendships – the guy, who told me he'd stick with me because he'd been through the pain of someone leaving him.
It didn't stop him leaving though.
Even him being half way across the world, in Australia of all places – didn't stop the effect he had on me. The last ever living memory I had was one of laughter, of joy.
I leaned down to hug him. God he was so short, I thought giggling to myself.
I straightened up – pointing a finger of accusation. "Hey you didn't hug me back!"
He shrugged grinning apologetically. "I'm eating a muffin!"
The two of us caught each other eye and burst into uncontrollable laughter.
I poked him. "You are so going to miss me when I'm gone." I teased.
Yet…that memory was gone. Nearly a year ago since we first met, and guess what? Our friendship is in shatters.
There's always those If questions.
What if I wasn't going out with his best friend? Does that make it different?
What if I didn't make friends so easily? What if…
I sighed again. The pain was starting to hit me now, slow earth shattering pain that was tightening my chest – making it more difficult to breathe by every second.
I thought of my boyfriend suddenly – my dear sweet boyfriend…a dreamy smile danced on my lips at the thought of him.
Now he was someone that put up with my bullshit. No matter what mood swing I was in, no matter how terrified I was of being completely crazy about a guy so far away – he was there. Always there.
He never left – no matter how many times I told him to.
Then the anger set in about this ex best friend of mine.
Are these the stages of grief? When someone loses a loved one? It feels like at least 5 people have died in my life, never to pause and look back, never to care again.
Why did you leave me alone?
Oh the dreaded question.
Well I knew the answer. I knew what he thought of me – a selfish fucking bitch. I knew this; I knew my ugly side – my stupid mood swings that not many people see. He didn't even leave me alone – I'm with so many amazing people, people who make me happy and laugh not with people who I'm terrified of leaving and causing so much drama.
God, it hurts so much!
I clutch my chest in sudden pain, clenching my fist up in anger.
"I trusted him" I choke out loud "I trusted…"
I can't even finish my own sentence. God I'm so pathetic. Get a grip you stupid girl!
Remember – the old quote – "For every girl who has trust issues, there was someone that made her feel this way"
Too fucking right, I snort bitterly.
I didn't even use to swear this much for crying out loud. I'm the good girl, the innocent one – yeah the one with the bitchy temper; but still good.
Boys are bastards.
I can't even make that generalisation about every single guy anymore.
We weren't even meant to be friends – he has the worst music taste in the world. I mean, Britney Spears and Pink? Give me a break.
I can't even keep hold of my best friends anymore for even a year. What is wrong with me?
Lets just say I royally screwed things up as always.
Yet through my tears and tantrums, through all my screw ups – I know when to let go and when to hold on.
And this is the time to let go.
And I thank you, my dear reader – for reading this. Because these feelings are real, not fiction and made up. This is a story I needed to tell, and hope you've enjoyed.
As I said before, I have to let go of what I've been desperately holding on for so long. Let go of someone I loved dearly, and still love – even through my bitterness and pain.
And if you're reading this, darling ex best friend…
I'm sorry I screwed things up.
I'm sorry I'm insecure and you got to see the ugly side of me.
I'm sorry that I have stupid mood swings and a temper I can't control.
I'm sorry you couldn't take the fact that I love your best friend.
I'm sorry you also couldn't take the fact that I'm great friends with the person you hate.
And most of all, I'm sorry I didn't live up to your expectations and be more secure for you.
Like I said, this story is painfully real (although the memory isn't that accurate – it was nearly a year ago today xD)
At the time I wrote this, I was checking my email in the last days of high school and he wrote me a long email – effectively blocking me off from his life.
Obviously, I couldn't cry at school – so I wrote this instead, how I felt inside.
Also, no offense for anyone who likes Britney Spears and Pink – it's obviously just my own opinion xD
Just so you know that quotation from the email – IS REAL. That is a genuine line from it, so no I didn't make it up
I hope you enjoyed it, because it was really intense and deep.
You know where the review button is :3