1 Fruit loops are like gay cheerios
2 I'm not retarded! I just like licking windows!
3 You cry, I cry; you laugh, I laugh; you jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
4 I may look safe, but as soon as I get you alone... I WILL EAT YOU!
5 Kindergarten: where the definition of drama is someone stealing your crayons.
6 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia!
7 Life was so simple when boys had cooties.
8 I don't discriminate; I hate everybody 9 Friends are like bras; close to the heart and there for support!
10 Never argue with idiots. They'll take you down to their level and beat you with experience.
11 I'm so goth I punched a Care Bear
12 Good girls are bad girls who don't get caught
13 If at first you don't succeed...KEEP FLUSHING!
14 I shower naked.
15 I'll make your heart beat like you're on cocaine.
16 I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.
17 My parents moved a lot when I was young. But I always found them.
18 Buy me a plastic ring and tell me you love me 19 I am absolutely awesome. Agree or die.
20 Shoes can change your life. Just ask Cinderella.
21 lol is the polite way of saying: that wasn't funny, shut up already, you're really annoying, why are you talking to me? I really don't care.
22 Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
23 Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.
24 If you can't fix it with duck tape you haven't used enough.
25 Warning: Children left alone will be sold to the circus.
26 My parents are afraid of the people in Hot Topic.
27 Hug a tree. They have less issues than people.
28 I hate bees okay? They're like flying death monkeys.
29 I love you like an emo kid loves girls pants.
30 I've got A.D.D. and magic markers. Oh the thrills I will have.
31 Stress: When the body can no longer resist the urge to choke the shit out of some ass-hole who really deserves it.
32 I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
33 You're a great friend, but if the zombies chase us, I'm tripping you.
34 I purposely create awkward moments because I think its funny.
35 My friends are the kind who, if the house was burning down, would be making s'mores and hitting on the firemen.
36 Sorry. My hand slipped. I don't know why it headed towards your face.
37 Make cookies, not war.
38 Of course I'm talking to myself. Who else can I trust?
39 Take the L out of Lover and it's Over 40 All that and a bag of chips 41 Go buck a fuffalo 42 If all else fails, destroy all evidence that you tried.
43 Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars, I thought, "Where the hell is my ceiling?!"
44 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
45 A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting next to you saying "Damn, that was fun!! Let's do it again!!"
46 Sometimes I get so weird I even freak myself out.
47 Good friends don't let you do stupid things....alone.
48 A friend would lend you her umbrella in the rain, but a best friend would take yours and say "Run, bitch, run!"
49 I'm the girl who can watch tons of horror movies and not get scared, but when the toast pops out of the toaster, I scream at the top of my lungs.
50 I put the *fun* in dysfunctional.
51 It takes 43 muscles to frown. But only 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the mother-fucker upside the head!
52 Time is a great teacher, but, unfortunately, it kills all its pupils 53 Kiss me like an over-dramatic actor.
54 Duct tape is like the FORCE, it has a dark side, a light side, and holds everything in the universe together.
55 Always remember; you can't spell slaughter without "laughter"
56 Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over.
57 I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
58 Watch out for the gay mafia, they'll cut the legs off your coffee table!
59 Save the Earth! It's the only planet with chocolate.
60 Smile. It makes people wonder what you're thinking.
61 A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort
62 Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken
63 I'm crazy, what's your excuse?
64 Friendship is like peeing on yourself. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm sensation that it brings
65 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
66 Any law enacted with more than fifty words contains at least one loophole
67 Evil is live spelled backwards
68 God must love stupid people; he made so many of them
69 When all else fails, read the instructions
70 Someday we'll look back at this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
71 What some people lack in intelligence, they make up in stupidity
72 There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head
73 The light at the end of the tunnel could turn out to be the headlights of an oncoming train
74 A watched pot never boils, unless you light the gas under it
75 If your parents don't have kids, odds are you won't either
76 Curiosity kills more mice than cats
77 On the other hand, you have different fingers
78 Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
79 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
80 How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand!
81 Ok...So what's the speed of dark?
82 When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
83 Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film
84 What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
85 I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
86 Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
87 Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off
88 Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
89 Life isn't like a box of chocolates....it's more like a jar of jalapenos
90 Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. . . .
91 I'm on a mission to save the world (I can't believe they trusted me with this)
92 Mirror, mirror on the wall, what the $#% happened!
93 Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
94 All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
95 We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
96 Everyone is born right handed. Only the gifted overcome it.
97 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes
98 I'm right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 12?
99 My dog thinks I'm crazy. I'll be back when I'm done arguing with him
100 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up, the pillow was gone