401 There are plenty more fish in the sea, but who wants to go out with a fish?
402 When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Which do you think is the lesser evil)
403 Doctors say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that.
404 It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn.
405 I hate it when the voices and my imaginary friends fight.
406 Lying is the most fun a girl can have without owning a flamethrower. However, I own a flamethrower, and therefore, life holds more fun for me then just lying!
407 You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
408 When life gives you lemons throw them at the mean people and hope it gets them in their eyes.
409 An apple away keeps the doctor away...if well aimed.
410 An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute, screw the fruit!
411 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
412 There are 3 kinds of people, those who learn by reading, a few who learn from observation and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.
413 Masturbation: like procrastination. Good in the beginning, and then you realize you've fucked yourself
414 The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
415 "Sharing is caring!" "Well, I. Don't. Care!"
416 French Horns are horny, and clarinets are wood but trombones can do it in seven different positions
417 Stick that in your juice box and suck it!
418 I've gone in search of myself. If I come back before I return, keep me here.
419 Zombies hate fast food
420 "I hate you..."
"Good. Bottle it up so someday you'll spontaneously combust for my amusement."
421 Eww. I think I just stepped in someone.
422 God created man before woman because every masterpiece needs a rough draft.
423 MENtal pain, MENtal anxiety, MENstrual cramps, MENopause... all our problems start with men!
424 I only know how to do things three ways: the right way, the wrong way, and my way... which is the wrong way, only faster.
425 To catch me you got to be fast, to find me you got to be smart, but to be me? Damn you must be kidding.
426 Have you ever considered suing your brain for non-support?
427 Who was so mean to put an "s" in the word "lisp" if people with lisps can't say the "s"?
428 Doctors say TV is bad for us, but why is there a TV in every hospital room?
429 If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
430 Donald Duck never wears pants, but why does he wraps a towel around his waist when he gets out of the shower?
431 Screw normal. If you're normal, the crowd will accept you, but if you're deranged... The crowd will make you their leader.
432 God created war to teach Americans geography. Who said God didn't have a sense of humor?
433 Talking to a drunk person is like talking to a very happy, very mentally brain damaged three year old.
434 A Fact Of Life; After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
435 "Violence is always the answer, if it doesn't work then you simply haven't used enough of it"-- The life motto of a sadist.
436 --"I stuck a bagel in my DVD player and it didn't toast it. What am I doing wrong?"
--------"The bagel is broken. Get a new one."
437 It's not Vodka, just......Russian water.
438 crack is bad, look what it's done to our roads 439 98% of teenagers have consumed alcohol, smoked, or have had sex. Put this in your signature if you like bagels.
440 Today I noticed my shoelace was untied. I didn't tie it back because I felt like I was living life on the edge.
441 Sometimes I believe I should be shot for my stupidity... this is not that time.
442 If guns don't kill people, people kill people; does that mean toasters don't toast toast, but toast toast toast?
443 I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.
444 Ambition is an excuse used by people who don't have the good sense to be lazy.
445 Don't use a silencer to kill a mime or his friends will hear you.
446 Why don't chicken's wear pants? Cause their pecker is on their face!
447 I'm going to base my next relationship on the theory of give and take..GIVE me any shit, lies or stress, I TAKE you out with a single blow to the head!
448 Having the love of your life break up with you and saying "We can still be friends" Is like having your dog die, and your mom saying you can still keep it.
449 Outside the dog-the book is our best friend..Inside the dog-it's too dark to read
450 Don't do it behind the garden gate! Love is blind, but the neighbours ain't!
451 I have PMS and a GPS, which means that I'm a bitch who WILL find you!
452 "Sorry, I'm straight." "Straight like a double helix." "Don't be a nerd."
453 "If you were a pole, I'd so go down on you." "So you think I need to lose weight?"
454 You know why a woman's work is never done? They don't get up early enough.
455 Did you know that dolphins are so smart, that, within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
456 There are only two things one needs to know about men and women: Men are stupid and women are crazy. The reason why women are are crazy is because men are stupid.
457 The Dark side got cookies. The Good side got milk....Damn. Conclusion? Stay neutral for benefit of both!
458 Success is 20% Caffeination and 80% Procrastination
459 I want a guy who's hot, smells good, well dressed, funny and loves shopping. But I know that won't ever happen, because guys like that already have BOYFRIENDS!
460 I'll stop stabbing you when you stop screaming
461 I poke you, you poke me. We're a Facebook family. With a Comment on a Post and a Like button too. Won't you say you'll Poke me too!
462 If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't realize you let it go and it sits on your couch and eats your food, you either married it, or gave birth to it.
463 When I was little, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Apparently, the cops call this identity theft.
464 Old people at weddings always poke me and say, "You're next." So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
465 We overuse the term "love" too often. Why don't we use "pancakes" as a substitute for "love"? Example: I pancakes you.
466 You fight, I fight. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge; I get in a paddleboat and save your sorry, stupid ass.
467 Guy 1: "Dude, my watch is beeping!" Guy 2: "IT'S GONNA BLOW!!"
Guy 1: "OH CRAP!!!" *Takes it off and throws it away*
468 "I LOVE Eminem!" "I like skittles better..." "No, the rapper, idiot..." "Your the idiot, what's so good about M&M wrappers?!"
469 Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
470 When guys get jealous, it's actually kinda cute. When girls get jealous, World War III is about to start.
471 "I live dangerously" "No you don't" "Excuse me! I don't see you straightening your hair at 450 degrees every morning!"
472 daddy: what do you want to be when you grow up? little 4 year old girl: i wanna be a human!
473 I'm like a Rubix Cube the more you play with me, the harder I get ]
474 If God is watching us, we could at least be entertaining.
475 LMAOSHMSFOAIDMT: Laughing my ass off so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco
476 - Rolling on the floor laughing out loud and so hard that I nearly choke but I see a glass of water on the table and reach up to drink it and I'm okay again
477 Yeah, yeah, I'm still home. Would you take me drunk?
478 I was happy once, but I'm better now 479 Dyslexia is a son of a ditch
480 I'm as bored as a blind man with a Rubix Cube
481 A friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing "someone's gonna get it!"
482 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to go on Facebook and prove it to the world.
483 everything happens for a reason...well those better be some pretty good fucking reasons!
484 A good friend will be there to calm you down when you are mad, but a best friend will be there holding a shovel asking, "Do you think the hole is deep enough?"
485 What does NASCAR stand for: Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks!
486 Ever notice how the first 3 letters of DIET spell DIE?
487 How hungry was the first guy to eat an egg? Did he say, "Hey! Look what just came out of the chicken's butt! Let's eat it!"?
488 You may be a redneck if you get a Christmas card saying, "Merry Christmas!" Love, Uncle Dad
489 When the only option to stay warm is dressing in layers that make me waddle around like an oompah loompah, I say, screw you, winter. You win.
490 A redneck method of fast-food; hitting a deer at 80mph
491 What happens in an exam: Tik tok, Mind block, Pen stop, Eye pop, Full shock, Jaw drop, Time up, No Luck
492 Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
493 ____ is not here right now...but if you see a crazed person throwing Skittles everywhere yelling "Taste the rainbow!" don't worry, i'll be back when I'm done
494 If being gay is a disease, let's all call in queer to work! "Hello, can't come to work today, still gay!"
495 The next time someone throws a skittle at me and says, "Taste the Rainbow"! I'm gonna throw a bottle of Dr. Pepper at them and say, "Trust me I'm a Doctor"!
496 I wish reality came in a pill form...that way we could just shove it down people's throats whenever they needed a dose!
497 While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "It burns!"
498 crazy i was crazy once.. put me in a circle room and told me to find a corner.. that bugs me.. bugs i hate bugs.. bugs make me crazy.. crazy i was crazy once.
499 There's nothing wrong with being a Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios
500 Never criticize your wife's faults. It might have been those faults that kept her from getting a better husband.
501 Life is like an annoying kid that throws stuff at your face, laughs, and then runs away