A/N: just one of those days, yaknow?

Am I allowed to do this? I wonder. The movie I was watching has been forgotten. All I can think about is him. My eyes wander down and trace the pattern of his shorts up his leg then change course and wander up his forearm. His hand rests gently on the pillow I'm using to cover my leg. My heart is pounding so hard it feels as if every organ in my torso is pulsing with it. His chest is so firm behind me and I can feel his heart beating rapidly, too.

He shifts and I stiffen, wondering if he's going to release me, wondering if this will be the end of our short cuddling session. My heart jumps and races faster when he winds his arm around my stomach, holding me closer to himself. Giddy, I rest my hand on his arm and gently run my fingers up and down. His fingers clench on my side briefly and he exhales long and slow near my ear. What movie was this again?

We sit in silence for a few minutes, me with my fingers still tracing his arm and him still holding me around the waist. He does it again; he shifts. This time he wraps his other arm around me, too, and squeezes me tight. I can't breathe—in a good way. I feel him rest his head against mine as my fingers play with his. His hands are big and slightly rough, mine are so smooth against them. He seems to like what I'm doing, if his fingers playing along with mine are any indication.

After a while of that he moves his arms and turns his hands up to capture mine. We lace our fingers together and he runs his thumbs over mine. The movie is almost over; I have enough sense to know that. I don't want it to end. I don't want this to end. I've waited so long for him… so long.

My entire body begins to buzz when I feel his hot breath on my shoulder. His mouth presses into the fabric of my shirt and he just breathes slowly. My breathing quickens. He unlaces our hands and encircles me in his arms again. The way he hugs me so tightly makes me think that maybe, just maybe this could work.

The movie ends.

We disentangle ourselves and I reach down to stop the movie from playing the credits. He's already on his feet and moving toward the door. I hesitate at the DVD player, wondering what to do. The lock clicks and the door opens. He appears again, walking toward me.

"I've gotta go. Bye, Kiara."

I smile shakily at him. "Bye…"

He hugs me tight, my head pressed against his chest. He looks at me when we pull away, his eyes showing his nervousness. Quickly, he leans down and kisses my cheek. Then he's gone.

I lock the door behind him and proceed to clean up. My mind and my heart are in overdrive. Why didn't he kiss me? My phone buzzes and I snatch it up.

Marki, the screen reads. My hands are shaking as I flip the phone open and read the text.

Sorry about that kia. I would've kissed u but idk… it would rly complicate things wouldn't it?

Idk mark. I know I wouldn't regret it. Do u want to kiss me? Rly? I text back.

Yes. But Im not looking for anything atm. If I wanted to be in a relationship I would just get back with laura

I flinch. Laura is his ex-girlfriend.

Ik u don't want anything. im fine with that.

R u sure??

I swallow thickly as I type my response. Yes.

He doesn't text me back after that. As I lay in my bed staring into the darkness I can't help but dwell on the night's events. I thought I had him. I thought I could get Mark.

We've known each other for a long time. A really long time. Mark—aka Marki—and I grew up together. We're eighteen and freshmen in college now. There was always that underlying attraction with us all through junior high and high school, but it kind of intensified recently. Secretly, I always imagined myself with Marki. I really, honestly, truly believed we could have something good. But he doesn't want me. Right now, Marki seems to be enjoying his single life, but he also seems to enjoy having someone to be intimate with without having any strings attached.

I know I'm setting myself up to get hurt. I know that, but I can't keep away from him. I want him to hold me and talk to me and laugh with me and tell me I'm worth something. I want Marki and only him. Somehow I keep tricking myself into thinking that if we're together enough he'll realize I'm good for him. Then reality kicks me and he says he would get back with his ex. What about me?

At some point during the night as I stare at nothing and contemplate everything, I make up my mind. I'm going to make the best of what I have with Marki. I'm going to use him like he's using me. I'm going to soak up all of his words and laughs and touches. I turn over in bed and close my eyes to prevent tears from falling because I know what I'm going to do to myself.

I'm going to break my own heart.