John McCain came over my house the other day to hang out. Just like we used to do back in our Episcopal High School days, he greeted me by saying, "Show me your card, brother!" I got out my immigration cards. "Now you!" I ravaged, lovingly. We had made these immigration cards in the fifth grade, and, designed in magnificent pastels, they both had the word "AMERICAN!" on them in big, bold, red, white, and blue letters. Back then our secret club was small, just me and McCain, two Americans in search of a more American America. As part of the secret club, whenever we are on the streets, we try playing the game on strangers. "Show me your card!" I will shout. If someone is in the club, they will show us their "AMERICAN!" card. If they are not, their card will say something like Mexico, or Guatemala, or Ecuador, because I am sorry to say those hotspots seem to be the only places people are from nowadays. Sometimes, they will not show us a card. Instead, they will look at us "strangely" (as if they do not know what's going on! Ha!) and ask if this is some kind of joke. At this point, we take them to the police. It is one thing not to be apart of our secret club in high school, but another not to be apart of the graceful club that is American citizenship.
And that is why I, and my good friend John McCain, are wild and gaga eyed over the new Arizona state law. Now when people look suspicious, meaning they look like Mexicans, we get to call the police. Sure, we did that before. But now the police will smile at us good deed doers instead of looking at us like we are crazy.
Now, at last, people are starting to understand where we are coming from. Like John McCain says, this is our safety here. Remember that guy, the one who was killed? His name has lost me, but the details do not: He was killed by an illegal immigrant, who after wards, as expected, fled the scene, the scene being America and the next scene being Mexico.
Don't even suggest that there was a chance he was not an illegal immigrant, because I saw him with my own eyes. Believe me, I saw his picture in the news in a dream I had. I can always tell the illegal immigrants from the non-illegal immigrants because the illegal ones look like Mexicans. In fact, it is not even that big of a problem if you are an illegal, but I have serious issues with people who come here and just think that they can look Mexican when people like John McCain and I do not look like Mexicans. What are they trying to say? Do they not like us? Do they have a problem with the color of our skin, such a problem that they are not taking it on as their own? Well, they had better take their racism back where it belongs, with other Mexicans! Then they can talk about us behind our backs all they want.
I can tell you, this Arizona State Law is working. For one thing, many cars used to stop at the Home Depot Parking lot to pick up day laborers. You know, trusty, strong folk to hang drywall, take car of the landscaping, and so on and so forth. Now these vehicles just drive on by. I know there are Mexican looking folk in the cars because only illegal immigrants would drive Illegal Immigrant Mobiles, as in Toyotas, which are not American cars. These immigrants, trying to blend in with us, always make stupid mistakes like that. As though that's not enough, the illegal immigrants usually car pool in this one car I have seen from time to time where the license plate reads "ILLEGAL." Mistake number two. They think that we will assume they mean "illegal drug trafficking" or "illegal drive through a red light" and turn our heads away, but nope, I am looking straight at them. I, like most American sort of Americans, know how to keep our eyes focused on only the most important issues.
I looked straight at them for a few days before I decided to follow them. Out came the Mexican looking men. There were a dozen or so of them, and one by one they sat under the shade of a Palo Verde tree and leaned against a low brick wall outside a home improvement store. One of them sighed, looked at the other, and then said in Spanish, "Well, Julio Diaz, I think we had better had home." Then they started bouncing up and down to prepare to jump over the border.
"Excuse me, can you repeat that in English?" I said.
"Well, Julio Diaz, I think we had better had home," the man repeated to his friend. He turned to me, "That good?"
I was satisfied, and let him go on his way. Everything in the world smelled so satisfactory at the time, come to think of it. Just as the new Arizona state law intended, Mexican looking people throughout Arizona were self-deporting. And it was not just Julio Diaz and the Home Depot Improvement Boys, either. I have seen it with my own eyes as proof. My job, as an American patriot, is to stand at the border and say, "Bye!" as Mexicans leave so that they feel good about leaving America, maybe even do it again sometime. So far, I have said "Bye!" to an exact number of 503,567 illegal immigrants who left out of fear of being caught under the new Arizona state law. Yes, that number is accurate. As they hopped hopped hopped over the border, they yelped, "Illegal Mexican Number 1 to leave due to Arizona Immigration Policies!" Then came, "Illegal Mexican Number 2!" It went on and on until the last brown skinned boy cried out, "Illegal Mexican...503,567!" This has helped me immensely to document the undocumented illegal immigrants who oppose the new law. Thank you, Mexican looking men, women, and children!
For my work on the border, I personally thought that I deserved a medal. Let me tell you,though, my friends, prison is no medal. Yes, prison.
John McCain and I were going illegal immigrant hunting one Thursday. We waited outside the Home Depot when the Illegal Immigrant Mobile drove past us. Rapidly, we jumped inside John McCain's Ford Explorer to follow it. I guess the driver of the Illegal Immigrant Mobile knew we were Americans when we proceeded to stop at stop signs and when Anglo Saxons crossed the street. The driver understood that he was no match for Americans, and stopped his car in his parking lot. Also, the Illegal Immigrant Mobiles' engine had given out. I told John that I could handle this. I got out of my car, ready to face illegalness. The Mexican looking men in the car hopped out of the Illegal Immigrant Mobile. They walked towards me, slowly and dramatically.
"You know," one Mexican looking man said in English, though with a slight Mexican sounding accent. "Based on the new Arizona law, you can be arrested if you are with Mexican looking people."
"Oh dear," my mouth went open. "John, we had better get out of here!"
John pushed the gas pedal and drove off. I understood, and forgave him, and then I ran. I ran all the way to the nearest town, with the carload of Mexican looking people following me behind on foot. Some American youngsters were on their bicycles, and I yelled at them, "The Mexican looking men! Do not be near them! It is illegal to be near people who are illegal!"
The boys started for their homes. "Alert the town!" I hollered at them as they strode away. "Inform them that they are now harboring illegal Mexican looking men, and may be arrested!"
The townspeople abandoned their houses, and headed off to find a safe harbor where they would not be arrested for accidentally harboring illegal immigrants.
The helicopters arrived. It was too late for me. Standing next to the Mexican looking men, I remembered how my eyes are generally silver, but when I am wearing a blue t-shirt, they look blue. When I am near Mexican looking people, I also look more Mexican. To think, you can still be an illegal immigrant, meaning a person who looks Mexican, while being an American! My "AMERICAN!" membership card would not help me now.