I saw Debbie Lorenzana in that article, that one online called 'Read This Article, There's a Hot Woman in It.' In small letters, the full title was 'Read this Article, There's a Hot Woman in It...Suing for Sexual Harassment.' The part about the sexual harassment was in small, almost unreadable letters, because otherwise, as Debbie pointed out, the male population would not be seduced into reading it.
Sure, a small, but cult-like percentage of men find women who sue for sexual harassment the most attractive of all women. These men enjoy whispering in their ears things like, "So, I hear you don't like it when men lick their lips at you or call you a sexy little beast. I will not sexually harass you. Want to have sex with me now?" to get them in their bedrooms. But that was not the game Debbie played. Debbie plays dirty. Debbie knows how to rule the world.
In this article, there are several pictures of Debbie. She is seen posing on top of a mountain, posing on a windy summer day, her hair dancing behind her, and she is also seen seductively licking a spoon while falling out of an airplane. A survey below this article asked if it was wrong that Debbie had been fired for being too hot. Takers of this survey responded, "Absolutely not! It is only right and human and moral that she is hot!"
This is why I hate Debbie Lorenzana.
So the article went, my ex-friend Debbie, whom I met since she first arrived in Manhattan several years ago, was fired last week. This, in my opinion, was all apart of her plan for dominating the world with her body. . Allegedly, she was fired after she had called Human Resources because her managers asked her to buy new clothing because her currently outfits kept distracting them from their jobs. They even gave her an office of her own. "Because...we are scared we will accidentally sexually harass you," they said.
To this, Debbie said, quite sensibly, as I was standing beside her at the time, wearing a replica of the very outfit she was wearing. "What about all the other Citibank women? Aren't you afraid you are going to sexually harass them?"
"No. No. We don't think so," my manager Rick said, voicing the opinions of the nodding group of managers.
Debbie looked at me, and I felt like running away. "WHAT?!" I nearly cried out. "Why DON'T you want to sexually harass me? I am sexually harass-able! So many men want to sexually harass me...but they are afraid that I won't like it...this is why they do not do it!"
They are not afraid to sexually harass Debbie, however, and so they gave her an office of her own, to ensure tat it did not happen. I want my own office. Where is my own office, Citibank?
This was not the first time an event like this transpired. I used to think that I was pretty, but then I realized that I was skinny and, unlike Debbie, did not have curves. Thinking my looks were why I got the job at Citibank, I said, "Debbie, you are pretty too. I bet you could get the job!" She said, "Well, if that's why they hire girls, of course I will!" When she came to me, sobbing because her boss showed her a picture of a penis, I didn't know what to say, but had to admit that I was jealous. Once the boss called me in there, to show me a picture of his new son. I guess that is what happens when you just don't make the cut for beauty. Debbie got a penis, and I got a newborn son. I did not get an office, and I did not get a penis.
The discrimination, against me, continued. When Citibank began telling Debbie that she was not allowed to wear turtlenecks anymore, pencil skirts, or three inch heels (or stand on top of a brick, because that is similar to wearing heels, and for some reason women on top of bricks are making a major showing in the book of "What's Hot?") I had to bite my tongue. I was wearing a turtle neck at the time, a pencil skirt, and standing on top of a brick! Yet, I received no punishments for my clearly immoral actions (Sorry, I didn't mean to...Citibank...)
I will not dispute Citibank's claim that their employees turn into idiots when they are in the presence of the luscious Debbie. When they are around Debbie, men start honking like geese and then mooing like cows before taking off their shirts and then hitting their stomachs with their fists like apes. Come to think of it, it is not so much that they are acting like idiots. More so, they are imitating members of the animal kingdom. In any case, when men are around me, sadly, they do not act like idiots, and they act like humans. In fact, they become even smarter when they are around me. Suddenly they seem to have gotten a college education at Yale or Princeton. "Yes, 5236418954 x 856247896521 is most definitely 48367271466519e+21," a man said to me the other day after looking at me. Once one of my co-workers explained to me that he was going on a date with a female politician (he didn't know they had those) and that he said that he would be able to impress the lucky lady with an unfathomable knowledge of world affairs if he were allowed to look at me for fifteen minutes. I gave him my permission. Suddenly he knew who won the last presidential election.
Debbie says she turns men into idiots and distracts them with her beauty because she is a Latin American. "Where I'm from," she said to me. "Woman dress up—they put on makeup and do their nails. I was raised from Latin, you know? I'm feminine."
And this is why she got fired, and this why I did not. I was born in America, which I guess means I could be fired for being too obese and then get all the fat women to join together and chant, "Real women have curves!" But for some reason, I am skinny, which makes me wonder, where was I really born?
I saw Debbie Lorenzana the other day on the big screen. Apparently her candid shots had gotten her lots of attention. She is now starring in a movie called The Body that Truly Was. Since winning the court case, and gaining instant stardom, she has been a happy woman. "I am a feminist!" she was quoted as saying in the latest article about her rise to fame. "I am making so much money now, and I can wear what I want, and because I'm a real woman, I'm going to buy lots of shoes!"
This is why, Citibank, I have enclosed a few pictures of myself wearing turtle necks and pencil skirts. If you do not fire me, I am taking you straight to the courts. It is not fair that Debbie is able to be a feminist. I want to be a feminist, too! And let me tell you, my lawyer knows exactly what discrimination truly is. I want sexual harassment, just like Debbie had it, and I want it now.
PS: I will not have any clients during the hours of 3-4PM. Feel free to send a member of the Citibank Team to harass me then. Or, even do it while I am with a client. I would not mind. He could even join in, if he wants. I, unlike Citibank, do not discriminate.