On behalf of my dedication and extreme views on today's the controversial views and published media I am going let things go and let them be as they already are, right in front of me. I hate having to look at all the books at my public library by the cover and the back ( don't judge a book by it's cover) because it gives me a headache to think about how much I'll have read and analyze before I actually get what image the author is trying to put in my head. Therefore, It is difficult to study and identify all the words a book has to offer. That is why it is always hard to be a good reader and writer there are plenty of words to be used in a book but way too many books that use add-on words to describe and write out what is being said.

The uprival of behavior changes

Recently I have discovered, yet again, infantilism. Besides the obstacle that it is one of the things in the word that is described and mentioned in society as extreme and can almost be put along with the word pedophilia, but I say that is only if you ask a complete stranger. I've seen websites, and heard of books and documentaries that put this concept into the world as we all call it infantilism. It is because a man with a hairy chest and ugly facial features wearing a diaper and sucking on a paciefier is extremely ugly and unattractive compared to America's top model that it is wrong. Besides, who wants to see a grown man in a diaper. It's a controversial subject that has been recently accepted and close to the terms of gay marriage because it is borderline and weird, and that is all I can really identify when it comes to controversy.

I was a late bed wetter, I wet until I upset myself out of bedwetting. I didn't like having to be upside down, that is what it felt like. Since then I have missed the childhood of not having to worry everyday about job opportunities, school, and being dismissed from a adult conversation without acting profoundly just like a child. And just because I miss those days so much I'll leave excerpt of my own short writing of being a baby again.

1. Long endless journeys with tiny foot prints to lead the way.

2. I took one breath in and one breath out and that is how the day was lived.

3. Besides the tantrums and constant craving for apple juice my favorite thing to hold was my blanky.

It's like I am reliving those days through the tight edges of adulthood. I can't stand to wake up in the morning and face the thrill of having anxiety filled pain all over my body and dealing with growing old is enough. A job doesn't seem like an option for me, it seems more like a punishment. I like to call it a punishment for being smart, because sometimes the best decisions for an individual person are not lived through how much is being earned. I've already earned my money's worth, child hood, and now I want to go back. No wonder they say enjoy being a kid. This so called childhood regression drives me up the wall, I want to know if I'm missing out on adulthood. I've seen my friends and their relationships, hear about, seen it, and I don't like it one bit. I still think I am missing something, or is that it; all the violence and things that should be taken in an adult matter are exposed to you. Now that I've changed I feel like I have been raped of childhood dignity. This remind me of a dream I had feeling this anxiety I feel as an adult, I asked my dream guide what my feelings actually stood for and he said "once you go forward you can never back and then he said once you go backwards you can't go forwards." This to me means the same exact thing I mentioned early once you turn one important direction in life that changes your image then you can't go back or forwards, so maybe I've done and said and tried everything that there was to be offered but being a child is the only thing that will every be of any value or importance to me in the end and in the beginning of the end. On a side note, this also reminds me of a dream that stuck with me till today, it's a couple years old by the way. I was in a library; information that can be accessed meaning knowledge that is perceived by an individual's identity, persona, and image and to me it was something that could be said in other words. In the library I pulled out a book, on the front cover was a prehistoric ancient looking statue that looked like a robot built out of stone covered with vines, it kind of reminded me of optimus prime. The book was called Eidolon, and it was like I accessed the information from the book Adulthood, in my opinion, is the many options that we are limited to and the majority of it is run by the economy and fundraising (my head spins as I try to find the right technical terms to use for today's economy and society). Not only is adulthood subjugated to not having an allowance but you live it with so much more stress and anxiety. I think I call it the angst of life, adulthood. Living it out as an adult is a choice, you can be a kid with the mind of an adult, I just can't see and indentify this grievous movement I have with having to relive it as a child and only that and the difference of being the age of an adult, having the mind of an adult and do I qualify to be a child. I'm no longer a minor this upcoming September, I am an adult. It's the word I fear the most, and all the chit chatter you hear from back in elementary scared the crap of me too. I'm not word wise but why do I always feel the level headedness in today's society comes from people like me and it's only because we live our early childhood discussing grownup things with grownups in a grownup manner just as if we were grownups and maybe that is why I have childhood regression. But I'm not sure that is the case either because I never felt little, I've always felt ancient.