CHAPTER THREE: I EAT LUNCH WITH SOME UNICORNS. YUM.

I swished into the lunchroom. Yes, swished. I've been getting into Ranishma's old clothes I found in Charles' attic. I was pretending to be a weird crazy dude with a funny mustache looking for a little girl writing a diary, but I found the trunk labeled AFRICA.

I thought it was a type of cereal, so I opened it but all I found were some old skirts. Lame. Still, it was better than my Barbie jeans. Hmm…

Anyways, the lunchroom was packed. Well, packed for Spoons High School, anyways. There were tables full of jocks, art freaks, vampires, normal-ish kids, and nerds. Since I thought of myself as superior to all of the others sitting at the tables, I sat alone by a window. That's when THEY came.

Their hair was the color of dandelions. Wait… ew dandelions are weeds. I thought of a better adjective. Butter. They had hair the color of butter.

There was an extremely tiny one. I picked out a name for her. Anna. Her pixy hair was jelled. I must get tips from her.

The one next to her had extremely long hair and was wearing a feminine poncho. It said "Tree Hugger" on it. I'll call him Josiah. What a fabulous name.

There was a particularly skinny one. Yet he looked like a jock. This will be Emerson.

Next, there was a one who looked like a movie star. I had to make sure I wasn't looking in a mirror. Her name will be Rose- no. Tulip.

And the last one tripped over a milk carton and dropped his Trig book. I knew right then and there he was the one for me, hands down. Ednerd.

The way they walked…it seemed like they were… unicorns. Woah. They all headed my way. Ohmigosh. I smoothed out my ruffled hair and African skirt. I. Looked. Hot.

Emerson came up to me. "Hey!" He boomed. "This is our table! Move it!" I was taken aback. No one, well except my pet bunny, talked to me like that. I stood up armed with my "One thousand Worlds Best Comebacks" book, by Stephie Mayers. I started to do number six. The weird hippie one who smelled like broccoli interrupted me, though.

"Woahhhhhhhhh, duuuuuude! What's with all the hate? She can chill with us. It's cool, man."

I giggled. He talked like Ranishma's ex. His name was Jasper. I didn't like him. "My name is Duck. Like the animal. First name Belly. I was murdered December Sixth- wait, I've never been murdered! Wrong book…who am I kidding?" I smacked myself so hard I got a bloody nose. I'm pretty sue I started a new fashion right then and there.
"Classic work of literature…" Ednerd's beautiful angelic voice sang from the Heavens above. I burped. "Yeah."

He smiled a perverted and quirky smile. I smiled sheepishly. He was hot.

Judith sprinted over here. "Hey, Ugly Three, I mean Judith!" I said. She nodded to my new best friends awkwardly then whispered something to me. "Why are you sitting with them?"

I was taken aback again. I smacked her, giving her a bloody nose, too. She yelped. "What?" I rolled my eyes. "It's the new thing."

She smiled and pulled my entire one hundred and three pounds out of my seat, causing me to knock over about half of the lunch room.

"What?!" I hissed. "He's my lover!"
"Who? Josiah? Or Emerson?"

"Not them…"

Judith widened her eyes. "Tulip?! Anna?! Belly!" She gasped.

I smacked her. "Stupid! Ednerd!"

"What's that?"

"My beautiful unicorn…" I trailed off.

She rolled her eyes.

I noticed something. "I guessed their names as soon as I saw them…" She shrugged. "They wear name tags. It's some African tribe thing…"

I gasped. "They…lived in Africa?"

She nodded slowly.

And then I knew I was in love.

As I sat down with my ugly, boring and human-ish friends, I immediately glanced over at the beautiful angelic unicorns. I whinnied very loudly and sexually for them (mainly Ednerd) to notice I appreciated the imaginative animals that exist just not in real life.

Some funny little jocks decided that I was doing some chant. They whinnied like crazy. I was impressed, and then I got mad. I stood up and threw my entire lunch at them. I sat down and winked at the unicorns.

"What are there last names?" I asked Judith, Mick, Timmy, Aaron and Amy.

No one answered, so I whinnied again. Amy looked up. "The Colon's. As in the things that digest poop."

I went into dream world. I wondered if unicorn poop or even unicorn colons were as sexy as I thought they were. But vampire colons were pretty hard to beat…

Then I had a pretty intense thought: I should get the Colon's and that Claudia girl in the same room! Now THAT would be "epic" as the little dickens like to say these days.

Mick elbowed me. I felt violated and picked up my spork from my now empty trey of food and stabbed him.

Aaron and Timmy were talking about some clouds. Timmy likes things that moved. Amy and Judith were talking about boys, shopping, jewelry, clothes and Taylor Lautner. What men.

I arrogantly decided it was time to do something productive. I stood up and screamed "UNICORNS ROCK MY HORNS."

The entire Colon clan stared at me, like I just said something utterly ridiculous. Or because I was smoking hot.

A group of the prep cheerleaders came in. I wanted to cut them.

A blonde yelled: WELCOME BACK, SPOONITES!

I was confused. I was never there in the first place and…Spoonite? A bunch of other male and female cheerleaders came in and chanted random stuff such as "We are the Spooners! The mighty, mighty Spooners!"

I started to laugh with some of the jocks at the inappropriateness. I wondered if unicorns ever ate anything with spoons….

"So, Belly," someone said to me. I screamed. Was it Ednerd?! I turned around and it was Timmy. I rolled my eyes. "What?"

"Prom…is coming up…"

Uh-oh. I knew I was going to be extremely popular in Spoons, but this?! Already?! I had to let him down easy. "Ednerd was the man for me… I had to answer him."

Timmy looked confused. "Did you mean to say that out loud?" I snapped at him. "This is my" (snap) "novel."

"Uh…never mind about prom…I'm sure someone else will go…" He ran out the door. I yelled after him: "Call me!"

Judith looked at me, stunned. "You're like… the new kindergarten toy. Everyone wants to play with you."

I made a face. "I'm not Monopoly. Judith. I'm a young and independent woman."
Amy nodded. "You go, gal!"

"Gal?"

This non-African slang threw me off like a bull riding cow boy. Ignore that simile.

I decided to bring some more Africa into Spoons. I pulled out my MP3 player (why wouldn't they be allowed in school?) and turned up the African jams.

I stood on the table, stepping in Aaron's mashed potatoes, spilling Judith's milk all over her, and kicking Mick, Timmy and (somehow drop kicked) Amy while I was dancing. My performance was H.O.T Sexy.

The uni-Colon's (clever, eh?) watched me from afar. I hollowly winked at Ednerd and continued dancing. Soon, the nerds started dancing, too. Followed by the cheerleaders, then the art freaks, then the ugly crew, then the jocks. This was like High Spoon Musical! My favorite Spoon soap drama!
Timmy brought in his disco ball and just like that we had amazing choreography planned out and amazing vocals. I was famous!
Then the principal came in. I seductively nodded to him, encouraging him to let out his highest note.

"WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS?!" He screamed.

I gasped. "You don't enjoy African culture? What kind of racist school is this?!"

He took in a breath, obviously defeated by my wits. "Was this…your idea?"

"Let's just say it is. What would happen?"

"Then you'd be suspended for a day for doing inappropriate things in the lunch room."

"Well, I see. Good thing it was all Judith!" I quickly pointed at her and she scoffed. "No, it wasn't!"

"Come here, young lady," he warned her, and she glared at me. She mouthed "I hate you," but I knew from my beautiful complexion and groundhog hair she was talking to the window behind me. I smiled warmly at her and yelled "I love you, too!"

She pounced at me. How dare she!
The principal called security and Judith was cussing as they pummeled her to the ground, and then dragged her away.

I would have to send a "thank you" card for her hospitality.

After all of that fun stuff, I turned around to casually wink at the Colon's. They weren't there. I gasped.

Unicorns…they weren't unicorns! No unicorn could totally disappear in the four minutes I wasn't paying attention! They had to be something…so…supernatural…that even vampires would be scared of. I could only think of one thing: sparkling unicorn vampires. I shuttered.

"So, I'm gonna go to gym now," I rolled my eyes.

As I walked by the office, I suddenly remembered my plan I never shared with you. The plan that would get me out of gym.

I stormed into the main office, where Judith was sitting with a black eye. She hissed at me. I thought we were playing some animal game, so I moo'd back.

"YO!" I screamed, ignoring her pretending to shoot me. I was ticked. No one noticed my dramatic entrance!

A secretary looked up. She was actually normal sized. "Hello!"

I rolled my eyes at her selfishness. "I have a disorder that makes me completely go out of mind when I'm in or next to gyms. So I can't do gym. Kay?"

She nodded. "Wait…is that-,"
I cut her off. "Kay bye! No gym for the next four years!"

"Ms. Duck!" She called back. I was upset. My name was Belly. Not "Ms."

"What?"

"You have to do gym today. Your father never sent me a note. Sorry."

I shrugged. "Eh…fine. Just today. What exactly are we doing?"

She thought for a moment.
"Anytime now?"

"Oh, yes!" She said. "Dodge ball."

I glared. My worst enemy.

She stood up. "You need to get going, Ms. Swan."

I stomped my foot like a little girl. "IT'S DUCK! DUCK! SWAN'S ARE MORE MARVELOUS CREATURES!"

She looked nervous, like I was going to eat her or something. That'd be gross. But some mustard might do the trick…

I shook my head and erased that thought. "Sorry!" She said quickly. "Duck. Belly Duck."

She seemed…hypnotized. I felt unstoppable.

I then remembered hypnosis was for losers. I turned around and started to walk off when I noticed Ednerd outside the office. He glared at me like he was passionately in love with me. I smiled and realized I needed a new strategy to get him to fall in love with me. I decided that it was time to play hard-to-get. I rolled my eyes at him and casually shoved into him as I strutted my way to the gym. I only knocked over four people.

Ahh, gym class. How much I would like you to die. Along with Claudia and Judith. I winked at a creepy nerdy kid and he fell over. The work of my beauty, I'm telling you.

When I got to gym they already started doing some game which involves vigorously whipping foam balls at people across the room. Weird. A teacher with crazy black hair all pilled on top of her head screamed at me for being late. Oh well, fashionably late as I always say.

I went to stand by the Uglies when suddenly a ball came out of nowhere and slammed me across the face. And do you know what color the ball was? Blue. I. Hate. Blue.

I used my Spidey Senses and located the jerk who hit me with the evil colored ball. Target locked. Lasers shot out of my eyes and I felt my fists flying and hitting flesh. Wait, this doesn't work in real life. Duh. I smacked myself in the nose, breaking it. Another new fad. Ah, they come and they go.

Anyways, the lasers just happened to be my freakish hair flying all over the place in front of my eyes, and the flesh I was hitting was some obese kid's tummy. It was extremely jiggly. I continued my walk over to the Uglies, but I never got over there because I kept falling down so many times. So class ended. Thank. God.

I strutted toward the locker room where I realized I never changed. I stood there while the girls changed and stuff. It was kind of awkward, so I just left. They all noticed my dramatic scene where I crab-walked toward the exit, leaving them in total shock of how perfect I was.

All of a sudden I saw Tulip and Anna. I waved gracefully, smacking someone in the face. Her name was Grace. Oh, the irony. "Sorry," I made her apologize to me. My stiletto eyebrows fixed while I tried to hear the apology in her tone. She waited in silence. "Go. Now." I said.

Tulip rolled her eyes from afar. "Don't be a jerk," Anna said to her. I went up to them, acting normal. "Hey," I said, normally.

Anna looked at me. "You. Are. UGLY."

I smacked her. "How dare you!" I was about to lunge at her, when she stopped me. She pulled out a hair clip. It wasn't blue, it was magenta. My favorite color.
"This will make you look hot."

I grabbed it from her and put my hair up in a ponytail. I felt like a model.

"Thanks, gal!" I decided to use the "American" terms. She nodded strangely. Tulip glared at me, then said they had to leave. I could tell we hit it off. As soon as they left, I took the clip out, and spat on it. Gross.

I saw Amy walk out of the locker room. I needed to ask her what my next class was, because I was too important to check such trivial things.

"Err, you have chemistry next! So do I! I didn't know you were extremely advanced!"

"Chemistry's for…smart people here?" I was shocked.

"Err, for this grade, why?"

"Stop saying err!" I screamed. "And because I took it in…when…hmm… seventh grade."

She gasped. "SMARTY PANTS!"

"Kay." I walked away, leaving her with a hint of my beauty.

Timmy decided to walk me to class. "I don't have chemistry with you, you freak," I kindly scolded.

He shrugged. "So? Your groundhog hair smells like my uncles llama farm. It reminds me of home…"

I left him with his flashback, only because it would horridly slow down the progression of this non-important ending of a chapter. The chapter should end with something about Ednerd. Dang it, I can't think of anything. I guess the next chapter is unimportant, too. Wait, scratch that. Ednerd's in the next chapter. Very. Important.