A Funeral for an Idiot

By Pilgrim

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the memory..."

There was no great climactic change in the weather that day. It's wasn't very sunny, nor was it very cold. There was a good amount of clouds in the sky, but not so many that you'd call it cloudy. There was a nice breeze though. Not very strong, kinda cold, and pretty soothing. It was a nice, quiet day - perfect for a funeral.

"I can't believe he's gone," said one of the men in the audience, further in the back.

"I can believe it," said another man sitting next to him. "Pete never looked like the kind of guy that would live a long life anyway."

"...What do you mean?"

"Really? A guy like him? With a family? Children? Hell, a wife?"

"...I see your point. But then again, I could never see you with a family either, Aron."

"Are you kidding? I could easily see myself with a woman and children," said Aron.

"Yeah, well I've seen you with plenty of women, but no children."

"...Well, how about you, Dane? I can't- Well..."

"You can see my family clearly, right?" said Dane. "That's because I clearly have a future. Unlike the two of you..."

"Hey, don't go grouping me with someone who's already dead."

Later in the funeral... Dane was in front of the pedestal.

"I've know him since we were children... Um, Pete... was an interesting man..." he said. "He was... an artist, a writer..."

- - - - -

"What did you make this time? Another short story?" asked Dane.

"Yeah, an action one this time!" responded Pete. "Wanna hear it?"

"Not real-"

" 'Darko-man pulled out his blue lightsaber. It glowed brightly because of the darkness of the peanut factory. And because he had just changed the batteries.' "


" 'Nacho-man stood a couple of feet in front of him, with his own lightsaber. This one was purple and curved, like the one in the second (or third?) Star Wars movie.' "


" 'Darko-man jumped forward and stabbed his lightsaber into Nacho-man! But it didn't hurt him, because it was actually made of plastic...' "

"I see..."

- - - - -

"...He was a philosopher..."

- - - - -


"...? What's wrong, Pete?"

"...If... time flies,... I wonder what swims...?"

- - - - -

"...and he loved his sister very, very much. So much so, that she even made it into his writings..."

- - - - -

"Ugh, you're still writing? You'll never write a fiction that sells, y'know," said Emma.

"This isn't fiction. It's non-fiction. I'm writing about what's happening right now," responded Pete.

"Oh, really..."

"I'll go get us some drinks," said Emma's boyfriend.

" 'Little did she know,' " wrote Pete. " 'that was the last time she would ever see him again.' "

"Shut up, Pete!" yelled Emma.

- - - - -

"...Yes, he loved her very, very much..."

- - - - -

" 'But she wouldn't agree, no matter how many times Derek asked her to get on the roller coaster. Finally, sick of it all, he decides words aren't enough, and he slaps her across the-' " I would've done it!"

"Shut up, Pete!"

" '....yells my sister.' Well, damn,

- - - - -

"...so very, very much..."

His speech continued. Eventually, Dane walked off the stage and Aron took his place.

"Ok... Um, I've also known Pete since we were kids. Since grade school, actually. We were almost never apart, me and him..."

- - - - -

"Alright, maybe Jenny's on..." said Aron to himself.WearYouLikeAMask....WearYouLikeAMask: hey PeteWearYouLikeAMask: finding girls to fuckWearYouLikeAMask: eh


"Oh yes I would..."

...Signed In....

"Hey, there you are..."

...PenchantPurplePen has logged in....

"Ah, dammit. Not now..."

PenchantPurplePen: hey Aron

PenchantPurplePen: wutcha doin

PenchantPurplePen: oh

PenchantPurplePen: how's that going for you?

- - - - -

"...Pete was a really friendly person. Had plenty of friends..."

- - - - -

WearYouLikeAMask: u know, PeteWearYouLikeAMask: u kinda talk a lotWearYouLikeAMask: yea, u knowWearYouLikeAMask: ur the kind of person that cant keep anyone's secretsWearYouLikeAMask: its not? why?

PenchantPurplePen: I do?

PenchantPurplePen: oh, thats no problem

PenchantPurplePen: bc no one ever keeps their secrets w/ me T_T

- - - - -

"...He was the type of guy to never take offense at anyone..."

- - - - -

"Hey, Pete."




"C'mon, I said I'm sorry."


"It was just some stupid robot thing anyways."




"...Hey Pete, your mother's lips taste like chocolate."

"You stay away from my mother!"

- - - - -

"...and he really, really loved his sister..."

- - - - -

Though not as much as I did during Prom Night! Hell yeah.

- - - - -

Eventually Aron also stepped off, to be replaced by a woman he didn't know.

"You know?" he said to Dane after sitting back down. "I think I'll miss the guy."

"You 'think' you will?"


The woman at the pedestal continued a speech not much different from those of the speakers before her. The speakers after her didn't have one much different either, and eventually the funeral ended.

"I really can't believe he's gone," said Dane as he walked with Aron towards their cars. "Maybe he would have never had a family or whatever, or maybe he would have. Either way, he seemed like the kind of guy that wouldn't die even if he was killed."

"What? Where have I heard that before...?"

"It feels like he could jump out in front of us at any second, alive all of a sudden."

"Yeah...? Yeah, I do kinda feel that way too."

"Any second..."

But Pete didn't come back alive. Dane and Aron both reached their cars, both looked back at the funeral sight, both sighed, and both left.

- - - - -

"Hey, God...?"

"What is it, my son?"

"If time flies,..."