They are ringing all around me. Why won't they let me be? That constant ringing… that constant whisper… I wish it would just go away! It's Vivacious and numbing my brain; forcing it to become languid under its oppressive dominance. And those images! They flash through my nerves and send off intense electric signals to and fro. It comes to a surprise that my cranium has not imploded from sensory overload. It has driven me to the point where I feel like I am crazy, but I am not. I am not crazy. Everyone has voices in their head.
In my room I have secluded myself. Away from the world, away from the humming of extra voices bubbling and erupting in my ears. They are senseless and annoying. Why anyone wishes to surround themselves in the noise of people, machines, and media is beyond me. I am comfortable in this room. It is mine. I am alone – well, for the most part. This room is familiar and a small safety envelops me within its soft and warm cocoon. They tried to send me away. Tried to get rid of me but I will not go. This is my home.
But in the end these voices are comforting. I would be truly and utterly alone without them. Sometimes they scare me, but often times they tell me things about myself or those around me that I before hand couldn't have conceived. They are my only friends. Even my parents don't give a sympathetic ear. They would abandon me if they could. They have. To an asylum they tried to send me. I will not go. They hate me, but this is my sanctuary. I can't leave it. It would leave me empty, broken, subdued. I can't let that happen.
On my bed I sit. It is green. I like that color. It is calming and it soothes my nerves. The voices are muttering in my ears again. I flinch away and bring my hands up to my face to fend them off. It doesn't help. I turn to face whoever it was that spoke and saw her. She talks to me most of the time. Her name is Anna. She really is my only friend. She says such sweet things to lift this haze of solitude and misunderstanding. Not even the medication that I take sends her away. In fact, it has only strengthened her presence. I don't ever want to loose her. If I did I am sure I would shatter and crack like such a fragile vase imported from China and put up for display in a museum.
This medication… I hate it. I don't take it. When I do my mind becomes nothing but mist. I can't think or react. The voices are silent but I cannot remember myself. I would rather know who it is that I am and have these voices then have my mind dulled by its chemical combined toxins which was created in a lab by people who care not about the people who obtain these compounded pills. Anna told me so. She told me it would rob me of my senses and it does.
I only see Anna now. She sits beside me and I cannot help but smile. She returns it more than happily. She reached out with those perfectly structured hands and caressed my face. She is so warm and solid unlike everyone else that surrounds me. They are fake porcelain and stained glass. She is as crystal clear and truthful as a saint and that is what I believe she is. She helps me, protects me, and guides me. She is my personal guardian angel in this never ending maze of half truths and fake reality. She is the only thing real.
"I love you Anna," I whisper to her and reach for her.
She gives me a shy smile and covers her mouth. She bows her head and looks away. "Thank you Cole. I love you more. You should take your medication, Cole. Your parents will be happy if you do. You'll be happy if you do," she encouraged.
I shook my head and turned away. "I don't like taking them."
"You'll feel better Cole. Take it."
Like an obedient mutt I reached for my bottle of pills and poped the lid.
"Take more. It will help."
Again I listen to her words and pop the cap once more. I take six more tablets and swallow it hard with the water on my stand. They burned and scared my throat but I dare not disobey her. She is my own light and who is it that I can trust if I cannot even trust her? Partners listen to each other.
"Now go to sleep Cole. The voices will stop. I will sing for you."
I close my eyes and my breath comes easy for a while. It slowly gets harder to breathe like a blanket had smothered me but her voice keeps me together. If I just listen to her voice I will be fine. I just need to listen to her. That's all. I rub my throat and gasp for breath but I must focus on that beautiful tenor.
It is quiet now. I don't hear a sound. Not a single whisper. It is a blissful sleep. Even she is silent but… I don't mind. It is quite a last.
The voice stopped.