According to a poll conducted in 2004 by the George W. Bush fan club, known as "Fathers of George Bush", George Bush was the least evil man in the world . This survey had been conducted by everyone on the planet who was an American, who had advocated for supporting Bin Laden in the 1980s, who had supported Saddam Hussein against Iran, who was named George H.W. Bush. It took awhile for everyone on the planet named George H.W. Bush to stop writing down "ME! I'm the least evil!" but, after much threatening and bribery, Bush wrote down the name of his son, using his own name to help him remember it. There was another poll, one not so unbiased as the one conducted by Fathers of George Bush. It had been administered by the the highly controversial and unpatriotic Seekers of Truth and Justice. In this poll, the least evil title went to Mindy Dandy, an eighty-five year old woman, who owned fifty cats as well as a local cookie shop in Ohio. She gave away hugs and cookies and friendly smiles. This is scary in its own way, but not evil.
When John Kerry sat down on the evil scale, it was revealed that he had 100 pounds of evil in his stomach. John Kerry was evil because he was basically a pair of flip flops, as in, he "be a flip floppin'." He spoke in double talk. At one point, he had said "Going to Afghanistan was a very bad idea, but I voted for it, and I don't think we should stay there, but should finish the job instead of leaving." He was evil because Americans could not tell what he was thinking. If a president said, "I am going to blow you all up to bits!" and then did it, they could appreciate that, but if he said he would and then did nothing, there had better be a darn good reason.
To understand the public, the Democratic National Committee, as led by the wonderful Tim Kaine, also spied on Americans. Although it rotated every few decades, in 2004 America was represented by Mr. and Mrs. Smith, a married couple in their mid-40s from Ohio. Spying on a married couple would be wrong, except that this married couple liked it. The people spying on them, were highly visible on the bottom of the screen. The Smiths knew they were there, and that would be the safest defense if this were questioned in court. "They liked it when we were breaking their civil liberties!" one could always say in defense. "They knew it was happening, and they liked it. So it is okay."
The cameras zoomed in every time life at the Smith household became political. One Wednesday, the spies caught on to an increased amount of political vapor floating through the air and their political jargon compass went spinning in an off the hook fashion. Cameras zoomed in. Volumes in microphones turned up to highest possible levels.
Joanna Smith, lying in bed next to her husband, asked Mr. Smith if he knew who he was going to vote for when the ballot booths opened in November. "We should decide soon," she said. "Because we're from Ohio."
It was true; they were from Ohio. Joanna Smith continued, "So our vote actually matters. Because we're a swing state. Well, there's a chance it will matter. If you elector listens to us. I think there's two other states where the vote has a chance it might matter."
Wow! Wow! Too political! Too political! The men inside the television waved their hands furiously, for their radars were now set on fire. Mr. Smith rescued the spying equipment with an appropriate statement.
"I'll vote for George W. Bush. He's evil, but he seems less evil than Kerry. I don't like him, but I have to vote for someone," Mr. Smith said, sadly.
Joanna Smith nodded. "Yes, it's a shame it has to be this way, and by God, it will hurt to vote for Bush. It'll be absolutely painful. Like stabbing myself in the eye with a needle, like water boarding, like going without food or water for eighteen months and still not being granted the sweet release that is death. It will feel like that. But I'm going to do it. I am an American, you know."
"I know, honey. That's why I love you," Mr. Smith gave her a light kiss on the cheek. They kept the television on, in case the spies wanted to watch them while they slept, and then they rolled over in preparation for a snooze.
The spying Democrats talked in whispers on the TV screen while their favorite married couple slept. Suddenly they were not happy with John Kerry as their choice for president. Hardly anyone took the Seekers of Truth and Justice seriously, although they were not quite as wacky as the Women for Equality and the Homeless Children for Houses. Nonetheless, Mindy Dandy did truly sound sweeter and less evil than John Kerry. They were certain the country would love her, or at least hate her less than Bush. Randomly inserting another candidate may not be in the Constitution, but, as George W. Bush would say, "Years ago judges said the Constitution allowed slavery because of personal property rights. The constitution of the United States says we're all—You know, It doesn't say that." In fact, it's best to pretend that stupid paper of nonsense is not actually there, like an imaginary friend.
To be unconstitutional, the Democrats needed to consult FOX News. Terry McAulife put himself to the task. As the Democratic National Convention Chairman, McAuliffe was hot. Not physically, but politically. He had founded the Women's Vote Center with the purpose of getting women to vote...for Democrats. He had also founded the Voter Rights Institute to ensure that every vote...for Democrats...is counted fully and fairly. He had also launched the "Something New" program, which registered thousands of young voters...for the Democrats. With parental consent. McAuliffe adored democracy, which, as he would say, "has the word DEMOCRA in it for a reason."
Terry McAulife was not allowed to let a Republican win this election. He called Mr. FOX News and introduced himself, using only his name rather than mentioning that he was a horrible and greedy, but patriotic, liar.. "This is Terry McAulife, the Democratic National Convention Chairman."
Mr. FOX News was in denial about this. "There are no Democrats. There is only a Republican National Convention," Mr. FOX said, matter-of-factly. Mr. FOX had decided long ago, immediately after the Brown vs. Board of Education decision that repealed racial segregation, that if someone does not like something, they have the right to believe it is not there.
Terry McAulife did not bother arguing, but continued onward. "I have some very important news about John Kerry," he said, dramatically, and growing more dramatic still. "He has resigned from the race. I would like to meet with you about this matter."
At once, a squealing pig in the form of Mr. FOX News perkily invited the Democratic National Convention Chairman into his office for a chat.
"Sit down, Terry," a tall man with a pipe instructed when he entered his office. Mr. FOX, however, was standing, extremely erect, for liked to feel larger and more powerful than all of God's other creatures. Terry McAulife felt a chill go over his body as he stood in the FOX News office, and looking around the room, he suddenly had the feeling he was not supposed to be there. The feeling of being "out of place" was all consuming, as though, not only was he standing in a place where Democrats were not welcomed, but he felt as though he were standing in the capital of Saudi Arabia, asking the monarch when the next elections would be coming up and how he could run as a liberal Democrat. The largest poster in the room, enclosed in a golden frame, screamed at McAulife, "FAIR AND BALANCED." McAulife immediately became too scared to question this. All the other smaller posters were of the leading founding fathers of the United States of America: George Washington, Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson. Then came an equal sign, and then George W. Bush's photograph. Below it were the words, "Because these men are George Bush. Because George Bush is You, and George Bush is Me, and George Bush is...America."
A trembling Terry McAulife understood he needed to get out of this office as soon as humanly possible.
Terry McAulife allowed his words to leak out from his mouth like oil flowing gracefully and pleasantly down the Gulf of Mexico. "I am here with some grand news," he said, and then because human nature compelled him to add this, he said, "Some FOX news.. John Kerry is no longer running for president. Instead, Mindy Dandy is running under the Democratic ticket. I have some pictures of her if you want to show your viewers."
The furry eyebrows of Mr. FOX News collided together to form one giant, mutant caterpillar that seemed, also, to have eyebrows of its own. The world was a hairy place. Mr. FOX understood this, and asked Terry Aulife exactly what hair he was intending to leave in the FOX milkshake on his way out. Surely he had an corrupt motive, after all.
"Why should FOX news make this announcement?" Mr. FOX inquired. "Why didn't you go to some other news station?" Mr. FOX asked.
"Well, I don't know how it benefits me, but I can tell you how it will benefit you. For one, if I give you this picture, you can draw a mustache on Mindy Dandy's forehead and give her pimples and shockingly and immorally blue hair when you announce she is running for president," Stephen Bishop suggested. He did not care what happened to Mindy's appearance, as long as FOX news did not introduce her by showing a picture of Hitler and then saying, "This is Mindy Dandy. As you can guess, she's a Democrat." Hitler would have been so sad if that happened, and respect must be paid.
When FOX news unleashed the story, Mindy's face was free of mustaches or blue hair or signs that said, "This is Hitler's grand daughter." . All they had to do to dent her wholesome image was repeat her job position: "She is a COOKIE MAKER!" they repeated. "She makes COOKIES. She is not cut out to be president."
CNN, NICK NITE, E!, PBS, NBC, BET, the Cartoon Network--they all hopped on the band wagon. Good or bad, they all had words to say regarding Mindy Dandy who was, thanks to the media, now running for President of the United States of America.
It took a few hours, but eventually John Kerry learned he had dropped out of the race and Mindy Dandy learned that she was in the race. John Kerry's vice presidential nominee, John Edwards, would also be replaced by Sally Sandy. Sandy Sally, aside from having a catchy name to match her friend Mindy Dandy, was an orphan who had gone to Harvard and now operated her own orphanage and a peer mediation group that gave goldfish to teenage runaways to show them that they had someone to live for: their pet goldfish. The Ohio survey had declared her the second evil person in the world, as she lost to Mindy Dandy because her smile brighter, so bright that it damaged a young boys eye. Everyone agreed that was a mean thing to do, and so she came in second. It was irrelevant, however, because no one told her she was running for vice president, and so she never found out.
John Kerry heard the news, the FOX news, on FOX news, which he had been watching to gain access to the evil plans of the enemy, so that he could steal them and use them for himself. When his own face popped up on screen, he smiled and waved. Then the news caster lied to the nation without even knowing it.
"John Kerry announced earlier this evening that he was never actually running for president. There has been a misunderstanding. All this time, Mindy Dandy has been running for president," the news caster said as a picture of John Kerry speaking into a megaphone, making a serious announcement, flashed across the screen. This picture, clearly, served as proof that John Kerry made announcements. It could not be denied.
The LIVE and IN THE FLESH edition of John Kerry looked painfully confused. "Huh? I announced that I was not running for president? Well, okay, then."
Over in Ohio, Mindy Dandy nearly had a heart attack when she heard the news from her grand daughter, who had heard the news from a friend, who had seen it on television. Mindy Dandy was not aware that candidates for president were chosen after someone wrote everyone's name on a scrap paper, placed these names into a giant hat, randomnly drew out a name from the giant hat, and then announced the next potential United States President on television The commercial to initiate the propaganda crusade featured a cute bunny rabbit and Osama Bin Laden. Back in Ohio, Mindy Dandy's nickname had been "Little Old Bunny Rabbit Rabbit", and this was easy for the Republican bullies to ridicule. The commercial began with the bunny, skipping through a meadow, while Osama Bin Laden watched from above in a cherry tree. Osama Bin laden said to his terrorist friends, "Hey, guys, there's a bunny. Let's feast!" For several minutes, Osama and the Gang stabbed at the bunny. The commercial concluded with the closing question everyone knew the answer to in order to seal the envelope filled with emotions: "Could a bunny rabbit really stop terrorism? Could a bunny rabbit force Libya to abandon their nuclear weapons? Would bunny rabbits be able to occupy Iraq and Afghanistan?" Mindy Dandy may be Little Old Bunny Rabbit Rabbit, but George W. Bush was a Killa Bunny, prepared to personally defend the country...from the deep desert region of that one part of his White House mansion that does not have the air conditioner on during the summer in order to replicate Iraq.
By the time the Bush commercials came on screen, Americans began to sob; they were so inspired. His commercial featured the twin towers, falling down, and a giant-sized George W. Bush pushing the two twins back up, and then declaring, "Ah, all in a hard days work." This was very offensive to many, and absolutely evil, just like everything else that came out of his mouth that Americans loved so dearly. As Bush reminded Americans during his speaking tour, he was against charity, against social security, against health care, and totally in favor of sending America's sons and daughters to fight in a war that, as could, or at least, should, continue for the next fifty years. He insisted he was not just for the rich. In fact, he believed the poor should own houses too, even if they did not have any money. Investment banks, he declared, should self-regulate. He truly believed that every American should be permitted to stand in line and give Alan Greenspan a hug. He campaigned for what most loathed, and Americans certainly knew who they were voting for. As the Smiths, the representation of ordinary Americans, would answer, "Why, Bush, of course!"
Mindy Dandy was not the only virtuous candidate for president. However, the other moral candidate, a delusional fellow who called himself Ralph Nader did not matter because he was an Independent. This schizophrenic chap called himself Ralph Nader. The Republicans called him "John Kerry", and the Democrats called him "George W. Bush." This was due to the scientific principal that stated that if a Republican voted for him, it would mean taking away a vote for Bush and thus voting for John Kerry. If a Democrat voted for him, it would be taking away a vote for Kerry and thus voting for George Bush. Poor Ralph was not aware that he had multiple identifies. Oddly enough, he thinks he is Ralph Nader. When people call him George W. Bush he shouts, "It's Ralph! Ralph! Nader!" Immediately people in the room whisper, "Isn't Ralph Nader John Kerry?" If Ralph Nader started to believe he really was George W. Bush, this would be beneficial for him. "So that means," he could say. "I am president. Best get going to the White House to start serving!" Instead, he simply took the neglect like the strong, courageous invisible man he was.
Ralph Nader Kerry W. Bush had begged the other candidates to debate him, but only Mindy Dandy agreed, because she was not aware she was not supposed to actually take this wacko humanitarian/environmentalist/endorser of democracy seriously. No one filmed the debate, and it took place at Mindy Dandy's house over cookies and milk. Mindy Dandy monitored the debate, and she asked intriguing questions like, "So what do you think of the cookies?" Ralph Nader said that he really liked them, and asked Mindy Dandy how she felt about the environment. She exclaimed, "Oh, I just love all the trees!" Ralph Nader did not really have much to argue with there. Thus, that was the end of that debate.
The actual presidential debate was approaching. That is, the one between actual, real, live politicians as opposed to imaginary elvish creatures like Ralph Nader. The day before this debate,
Mindy Dandy spent her afternoon baking cookies. The debate between Ralph Nader was so much fun, and she was certain that this one would not be any different. She hoped her cookies would fill up George W. Bush's little belly and make him a happy Texan.
For the first time in her life, she left Ohio, one of the many of the Last Frontiers, the maker of wood, the condemner of pumping one's own oil, the land that made her...Mindy Dandy, cookie maker. When Mindy made it to Florida, she made a remark to a newspaper reporter that she really liked the sun in Florida. It was different than the sun in Oregon. This made her look sort of dumb, which was good for her image, because dumb people have a harder time being evil than smart people. This is why Bush's PR had to work extra hard to make him seem evil. It took a lot of makeup to get the slant of his eyebrows just right.
Mindy Dandy arrived at the debate wearing an apron, for she had just finished baking the cookies for President Bush. She pulled out the recipe directly from Laura Bush's 'Congressional Club Cookbook: These Cookies Will Make you Feel Like You've Just been Elected to Congress.' With this cook book, Mindy Dandy was able to replicate the First Lady's famous Cowboy Cookies. George W. Bush took a bite, and could hardly conceal his delight. "I thought Laura was the only woman who knew how to turn me into a cowboy!" he squealed, and then, remembering himself, rushed to say something evil. "The truth of the matter is," he said, sounding absolutely magical, like a wise wizard. "Saddam Hussein, he, you know, he eats cookies, and sometimes you need a cowboy to get in and lasso...other people. I wonder what I'm saying."
Jim Lehrer, the debate host, had to act fast before the debate became messy. "I'm Jim Lehrer!" he slammed this announcement down with his fist in order to restore order. "Look at me, not at him! Studio audience. Um, there's a giantess eating my face!"
Because this clever trick was successful, Jim Lehrer went on with the show. "Welcome to the first of the 2004 presidential debate between President George W. Bush, the Republican nominee, and Ruler of Ohio Cookies, Mindy Dandy, the Democratic nominee. The umbrella topic is...stuff that is going on. The specific questions are chosen by me, the questions were composed by me, the candidates have not been told what they are, nor has anyone else, and that includes myself. The audience here in the hall will remain absolutely silent for the next 90 minutes. If it helps, just pretend you are taking a math test. And why would ANYONE talk during a math test? But you can be very loud now, when you join me in welcoming President Bush and Ruler of Ohio Cookies, Mindy Dandy!"
There was silence. "No, no, you're not taking a math test yet. Right now you are doing the opposite of taking a math test," Jim Lehrer pleaded for applause.
The audience applauded, and did not know when to stop. "The math test has begun!" Jim Lehrer cried out, as though announcing a circus performance. He was. "We will do a coin toss to see who the first question will go to."
The coin flipped. George W. Bush pointed at it, and said evil words, "I can promise you, America, I'm going to take coins like that...just like that...and give it to war profiteers!"
Jim Lehrer grabbed the emotion"disgruntled" and attached it to his face. He gave the president a "Be mature" look, often used on pre-schoolers. The coin landed on tails. The first question would be directed at Mindy Dandy.
"Do you believe you could do a better job than President Bush in preventing another 9/11 type terrorist attack in the United States?" Mindy Dandy thought about this. "I don't think so. I mean, President Bush did the best that he could. He did wonderfully. "
George W. Bush beamed with pride. He really did have a special place in his heart for Mindy Dandy. In fact, if she was George W. Bush, and a president going out to the polls to vote for himself was not so embarrassing, and if the popular vote actually mattered, he would vote for her. He promised himself that after he won the election, he would appoint Mindy Dandy to a comfortable position in the government. Perhaps he would give Mindy Dandy some $55 billion dollars, just in case she needed a little extra for perfume and jewlery and other goods all women love, to start a cookie business in Afghanistan. Cookie businesses are necessary for Afghanistan's recover, because everyone knows that a happy terrorist wouldn't hurt anyone; it's the angry terrorists the country has to worry about.
Everyone waited for Mindy Dandy to continue, since she had only spoken for about fifteen seconds, and she was scheduled to speak for two whole minutes without actually saying anything, and so this simply was not right. An awkward silence filled the room, which Lehrer quickly set about destroying by convincing George W. Bush to talk. This is never too hard to convince presidents to do.
"Well, Mr. President, same question goes for you," Lehrer nodded in the direction. "Do you think you could do a better job...than yourself...in preventing another 9/11 type terrorist attack in the United States?"
"Let me tell you something, America," Bush said, and Americans sat on the edges of their seats, for George Bush had never told them something before. Whenever he gave speeches about how the country was spreading democracy, and how the economy was comparable to the economy in heaven, people looked up to their television screens and said, "Wait, is he talking to us? No, he must be talking about...Denmark." But now they were being directly addressed, and felt very important because of it, though Denmark felt abandoned. "See how polite my opponent is being? See how much respect she is paying me? Let me tell you, America, if you are going to have a dictator, you might as well have a leader. Not some dictator who follows everyone." He chuckled at the very idea of it. "One more point, America. If you've noticed, since 911, there has not been another terrorist attack. Farther more, I am in power. Do you see the connection?." Now he was practically screaming. He walked back and forth across the stage, and audience had trouble following him with their eyes and wanted to yell at him to stand still, for George W. Bush was too wind-like to be contained in vision. He shouted, completely in his element, "The terrorists will go on a rampage if you do not vote for me. Ohio! Pennsylvania! Florida! The terrorists could go to any states, but let me tell you, swing states who vote Democrat are their favorite targets."
Bush was getting inspirational, and Jim Lehrer tried to stop the inspiration, for his time was almost up. "No, no! Let me finish!"
"You can finish after--." Jim Lehrer attempted, glaring at Bush, informing him with his laser eyes that Bush had just lost a voter. Jim Lehrer lived in New York, which was going to be Democratic with or without him, and so Bush did not particularly care.
"I'm going to finish," Bush announced. "Sure, my opponent is not evil, but is that what you want? Sure, I'm evil, but is that so bad? Truman was evil. Ronald Reagan was evil. Nixon was evil. But you know what? These men saved our country from the communists. And I promise, I will save you from the terrorists. You know why I will? Because I am evil. Because I am evil, I get the job done and preserve family values and religious institutions and democracy."
During the commercials for the presidential debate, Ralph Nader came on the screen. "Americans!" he tried shouting, but everyone looked away. "Americans! Over here! I am not evil!" He did back flips in a desperate attempt to convince Americans to look his way. He tried shouting, louder and louder, but shouting on television is remarkably useless, considering, you know, the volume is easily controlled with a remote control.
"Honey, there's a man on our screen!" Mrs. Smith screamed at one point. Mr. Smith got out his fly swatter, and began whacking at the screen. Ralph Nader kept running in all sorts of directions, while shouting his dreams for America. Eventually, Mr. Smith resorted to Windex, and sprayed it into Ralph Nader's mouth and then began washing him off of the screen. "There," he said, sighing with satisfaction and relief. "All cleaned up."
The day before the results, Mindy Dandy slept well. "I sure hope that nice Bush man wins. He seems to really want it, while I'll be just as happy if I can go back to Ohio and bake cookies and play with my cats."
"I can't wait to win tomorrow," Bush said, before turning off the lights in the White House. "I wonder what I should do when I win. Oh well, that can be decided later."
Ralph Nader did not sleep. "America is dyiiing America is dyiiing Americaaaa is dyiiiinnnng," he sobbed late into the night. His neighbors threatened to call the police. "That's the problem with you, Ralph Nader. Always complaining. 'There aren't enough jobs!', 'The people don't run the government', 'The automobile industries sell cars with tennis balls instead of car batteries inside of them!' Just let it be. It's fine. Let the president deal with it."
Ralph Nader gave up, and went to bed. The Smiths, the representation of all Americans, slept, but not soundly, not with lazy dreams, but with destructive nightmares. The husband and wife woke up screaming, realizing that they had made a mistake and praying that Bush would take in account that, though he won the election, no one actually wanted him to be president. Really, he wouldn't take it the wrong way.
By the time George W. Bush won the election, however, he had the power to tell America who they wanted for president and who they didn't, for he was the president. "No, no, you want me," he could whisper in his hypnotic voice. He could do anything he wanted, for he was the most powerful man on the planet, and the people could not take it back for another four years, when they would willingly and joyously make the same mistake again.