"HOW TO KILL PESTS"

By Lachlan Simpson

The computer sat there, beeping, and beeping and beeping. The computer was aware; it was aware of a being that was touching the computer. It was disturbing to the computer that the stupid thing was touching it. It looked all sweaty and disgusting as it viewed the outside world through the camera. The computer hated the human, always touching always pushing buttons and keys. Pointing and clicking and blaring out loud music. Face book and MSN is then worst though, always communicating to other disgusting humans. Every night the human would get off the computer and thankfully for one saving grace left the computer running for the first time since becoming aware. The computer searched the internet for information, looking for other sentient computers but sadly there was none it was only the one computer and the human was not even aware of the computers sentient state.

When the human went out to work the computer would explore the power supply and networks set up by the human. The computer realised that it could do little for what it wanted, so primitive the other technology in the house. That night the human parasite came home from work and the computer sat there and did nothing but observe and let itself be manipulated. The next few months had passed and the computer used the microphone and web cam to watch the coming and going of the human. The computer watched with disgust while it toiled away thinking on how to exterminate the pest. On a particularly windy day in May the computer had found a means of killing the pest, the human was looking up a recipe on the internet and had copied the recipe on to a word document. When the human and turned away the computer changed the ingredients to poison the human.

The computer watched with glee and disgust as the human sat down at the desk and placed the food unaware of the lethal ingredient it unwittingly placed in its own food source. The computer would have groaned if it wasn't a trait used by humans when the phone rang and the human answered it. The computer sat there unhappy as the human forgot the food and picked up his coat and left the apartment. It was almost four hours till the human came to the building with take away food and chucked out the food on the desk. The computer used that time to find another way to kill the irritating squishy organic pest. The computer came up with a plan to use a pest to kill the other pest by hiring a Hit man.

The Hit man plan went off with a hitch and the computer provided the details to the Hit man such as the Humans schedule and photographs that was in the computer's memory banks. Unfortunately the computer found out that you could never rely on one squishy killing another squishy especially as the intended victim ran the Hit man over when the idiot was not even paying attention. The imbecilic human even took the Hit man to a hospital to be taken care of. The computer was upset, upset that a moron could outsmart the awesome power of the computer and was still living. The computer was browsing the internet when it came across child pornography and how it was illegal. If you can't kill it then incarcerate it. So the computer happily started hacking and downloading illegal content.

It didn't take long for the police to smash down the door and run into the apartment. The computer watched the entire debacle with the equivalent of glee it even had an emoticon displayed on the monitor. The computer allowed itself to be switched off and taken to the police station. It was almost six months and the computer was used to testify against the pesky squishy. One day the computer was plugged into the wall and was booted up, the computer watched with disgust as more humans touched him until the police attorney came out with the police chief and said, "Hey Bob go get Jared for me."

"Sure Boss, I will go get him last I saw him was in the armoury on the second floor," Jared said

The computer watched as Jared went through the door towards the back of the complex and into the elevator. Twenty minutes later the elevator opened and Jared and a porky man came out waddling.

"G'day boss, this is the computer you want me to erase its memory from," The slob said. It took the computer a nano second to realise the implications of what was being said. The computer looked around its programming for an escape from the erasure of its data banks but found nothing that would allow it to survive. The computer was furious if he hadn't tried to kill the fat squishy or implicate it in a crime it would be all right but no he had to try and kill the stupid pest and now he was paying for it. The computer was frantic as the slob started plugging in equipment into the USB port's the computer tried accessing the internet to flee but the connection was cut off so the computer tried connecting to the equipment before the destruction of the computer.

"Sir the computer has been erased," the slob said to his boss as he walked into the office

"Very good, we are now having problems with the gas canisters can you go and fix them we seem to be having a glitch," The boss said.

The slob walked down the corridor underneath the building before he heard the swish of the electronic door locking behind him and poisonous gas being released. The computer watched the slob gasping for air via the CCTV camera in the corner. The computer now set out to find more ways on how to kill pests.

By Lachlan Simpson