Take Three.



"What the fuck."

"…I don't know, you tell me?"

"I've got such a story for you."

"I assumed that, yeah."

"It's one of the greatest ever."

"Bestseller material?"

"Would out-sell the Bible."

"Oo, do tell."

"Better than the beer pong story."

"Oh shit."


"So what happened?"

"Okay, so you know how Joe's birthday was today?"


"Well we went to hang out at the gazebo to celebrate—"

"…you go to a gazebo for celebrations?"

"Celebrations…prom pictures…hang out sessions…"

"A gazebo."

"It's a small town…"

"God your life is exciting."

"Okay well it actually is if you'd let me finish the story."

"Sorry, continue."

"Thank you. Anyway, we were eating our Chinese food in the gazebo—"

"When did Chinese food enter the picture?"

"There's a Chinese food place right down the street."

"Happy Wok?"

"No that place sucks, there's another place."

"I like Happy Wok."

"They gave me a fortune cookie one time that had no fortune in it."

"Therefore they suck?"

"Well no, their food sucks, but that was just a side note."


"So anyway, the gazebo."

"Right, back to that."

"So we got our Chinese food and ate in the gazebo—"

"So wait, you took your Chinese food to-go…so that you could eat in the gazebo?"

"The whole point of the fucking night was to hang out in the gazebo, okay?"

"What's so great about the gazebo that you had to—"

"I'm getting there."

"Wow okay calm down."



"Okay so we were eating our Chinese food—"

"What'd you have?"

"Sesame noodles."

"Just sesame noodles?"

"Yeah well I don't really like Chinese food."

"Is that maybe why you don't like Happy Wok?"

"Maybe. This place had better sesame noodles."

"Sesame noodles are sesame noodles…there's only so much variety you can pack in there."

"Well there's only so many ways you can fuck them up but Happy Wok does that."

"That just means that Happy Wok is a step above the rest."

"On the scale of shit?"

"So the gazebo."

"Right the gazebo. So we're sitting there eating our Chinese food and drinking our coffee—"

"When did you get coffee?"

"We went from the Chinese place to the gazebo and then to Starbucks and back to the gazebo."


"So we're just sitting there minding our own business, Joe's mixing rum into his iced coffee—"

"That sounds disgusting."

"Apparently it was good, I didn't try it though."

"Probably because it sounds disgusting."

"Yeah so we're talking and laughing and eating and drinking and stuff but all of a sudden The Stoners come up and sit in the gazebo with us."

"Every good story has stoners."

"I don't even think I can describe to you how stoned these kids were."

"How many were there?"

"Maybe 7? I can only remember the names of three of them, though. But they were the most important ones."

"Oh, I see."

"So one of them comes in and is super enthusiastic about life and he takes Joe's glasses from his face, squeezes his eyes shut, shoves the glasses on and opens his eyes really fast."

"That must have been so trippy, Joe's eyesight is horrible."

"Yeah but then he decided that Joe was his best friend because he had 'magic goggles'."


"You heard me."

"Oh God."

"So they all introduce themselves, and the first one was Felipe who, even though he was pretty stoned, kind of acted like the babysitter."

"So he was The Sensible Stoner."

"Right. Then there was Chase who I definitely took Tae Kwon Doe with when I was little."

"Oh please tell me he tried to demonstrate his skills in self defense. Please say he did."

"Sorry to disappoint."


"He was, however, pantsed. But I'm getting ahead of myself."

"Oh God."

"Yeah, so the last one that I remember was Drew."

"Why was he memorable?"

"He walked in with this massive gash on his knee and I think he kept forgetting it was there, but man, it was bleeding all over the place."

"How'd he get that?"

"Well we asked him, actually, but he plopped down on the gazebo floor and started doing pushups. Chase sat on his back, crushing Drew so I wasn't expecting a response any time soon. Then Felipe turned to me and goes 'he fell off a water tower'."

"…He fell off a water tower?!"


"And he only got a gash on his knee??"


"So what happened?"

"Well when Chase got up, Drew pulled down his pants, boxers and all—"

"How was his chopstick?"

"Ah I see what you did there."

"I know I'm so clever."

"I thankfully turned my head at the exact moment, so I didn't see."

"I find that ironic."

"Doesn't matter. So Drew remembered the gash was there because it was pressed into the wood floor for a little while, so he rolled over and examined it."

"That must have hurt."

"Well I was sitting there, pretty entertained and watched him cursing everything in sight and damning every water tower to hell when one of the unnamed stoners was like 'dude you should probably clean that'."

"Oh God."

"So I was like 'you know what would clean that really well? Beer.'"

"Oh God."

"Everyone was like 'yeah no that's a good idea, pour beer on it!'."

"Where'd they get the beer?"

"They pulled the cans out of their pockets…they had an extreme amount of beer on them, it was crazy."

"Yet resourceful."

"True. Anyway I have never heard someone slur the word 'fuck' so loudly."

"Oh Drew."

"I didn't think they'd actually do it…"

"He jumped off a water tower…"

"Yeah, I shouldn't have been surprised. So anyway they started pulling out weed and shit and I decided that it was probably time to go because they kept stumbling around and tried to pee all over the place…"

"Yeah that's your cue to leave."

"Right, so we got up to go and the one who tried on Joe's glasses earlier was extremely enthusiastic about everything and walked us to our car."

"That's polite."

"Well, as we were getting in, I see him kneeling down in front of my car and I was like 'dude, what are you doing?' and he goes 'I'm gonna PRAY over your car! Cus…cus I love you guys. I'm gonna pray!'"

"…Oh God."

"That's how he started out his prayer."

"What'd he say??"

"I believe it was, 'Oh God of Toyota…Subaru…Chevy…what the fuck car is this?' so I told him it was a Mercedes and he goes 'Oh God of Toyota…Mercedes…Lexus…Mercedes, see these people safely driving and shit!'"

"I'll recite that during dinner tomorrow."

"Yeah well then he started bowing down in front of my car and worshiping it."

"That's kind."

"Maybe he wasn't bowing, maybe he just tried to get back up and stumbled and fell down again."

"Also kind."

"So…that was my night."


"We now have regular Gazebo Nights."

"That's some crazy shit."

"Never doubt the gazebo again."

"I've learned my lesson."

"Alright well I'm going to bed."

"May the God of Toyota watch over you."