You scare me, you know that? I bet you don't know it, because if you knew, you wouldn't do things to scare me. Or, that's what I tell myself. Truth is it doesn't really matter how frightened everything you do makes me, because you'd probably do it anyway. Goddamn you.
I wish you'd listen. I wish you knew that I don't want you to make mistakes. I wish you knew that I'm not some perfectly mature adult. That you don't have to match up to me; that you don't have to give up trying. That's what I think you do. You deliberately do shit just to get the point across that you're not going to be good.
You know when I found out what you did, my heart skipped a beat? It skipped another when you broke your leg. When you were hopelessly in love with that girl. When you broke up with that other one. You really ought to save my heart those beats, Honey; I could donate them to some heart in worse condition.
I only wish you knew what you did to me. I wonder, if I did something as stupid as you do, would your heart skip a beat? Would you worry about me? Would you have that chilling nightmare that I had? I could never admit it to you, Dear, but I did have one.
I was with your sister in the living room, sprawled over the floor with the TV on. The night was dark and the rain poured down on the other side of the window. I don't know how, I don't know why, but your parents came in, draped in soaked dark rain ponchos, clutching each other and sobbing desperately. Your mom finally choked out that you died. God, that was embarrassing to admit. I could only tell Lina, not meeting her virtual-eyes.
See? It's all your goddamn fault, you ass. You know I love you. You know you're that big brother that I cried to Lina I never had. You know you don't have to be me, okay? You just have to promise me you'll think of me next time you want to do something stupid. Well, I would make you promise that, if you actually read this. But you're not going to because I could never in a billion years admit that god-awful dream of mine. Lina said it just right; it pulled on my heart strings just a little bit. So do you.