I kind of feel like I've been doing this for so long that I'm starting to guess the same words all over again. My fingers are numb, kind of like they were just pulled out of the freezer even though I actually just pulled them out of a white glove.
That's probably the only bad thing about reformatting your computer - what you forget to save. I saved all the important documents and photos, but I want to scalp myself because this is the second time I've forgotten what email/passwords I've used due to them being automatically saved onto whatever websites I use. And this is me. I don't use my legit email address for anything other than the basics.
Hi, I've just been dug up from the dead, pretty much. I'm sure today's stomach flu is somewhat the equivelant to yesterday's plague. Feeling nauteous 24/7 is definitely not my idea of fun. I guess the pink vomit was pretty cool, if something about sick could be cool.
Most definitely the worst three days of this year, so far.
Last night, Toy Story 3 but lately I'm too much of a stressed person to really enjoy things to the full extent. Kind of like an adult, really. I went with my boyfriend, naturally, and we thought we'd leave early but to leave early you really need to leave early early early otherwise you're stuck looking for a fucking parking spot for the next five christmas's.
That always makes me stressed and bitchy. I feel bad 'cos I take it out on him and he deals with it so easily. I think that's why we go so well together. I think I can annoy the shit out of most people, and it annoys me when people won't do things the way I want when I really want them done my way. And he knows if I say something has to be done my way, I mean it.
Sometimes, it's like I could impale him with a large and painful object, and he'd brush it off and make it seem humorous. Maybe he just doesn't understand when I'm stressed. Maybe he's just a male and not good with these sorts of emotions.
But that's not really true at all, some men have feelings. I had restaruant dinner with Chris. It's the kind of dinner you take someone out to on a date except it was completely innocent, we are just friends. And he said to me "doesn't it bother Anton that you're here with me?" And I realised how much that question was worth.
We thought maybe the lad doesn't have emotions. I think he just doesn't understand that getting hurt or cheated on does stretch out further than the cinema screen. He's not an idiot though, I think he's just in a bubble. Yep, I'm going to say he's in a happy bubble, a happy unsuspecting bubble and that's the way I like it because he never asks questions and gets suspicious.
I also got stressed over where we were going to sit in the cinema. Anywhere other than the back in the centre is generally a crime. Unless it's some bullshit you come to "watch" so you can mess around behind the curtains or, well you know.
Lucky we have the same sense of humour though. We put our feet up so no one with their huge frizzy hair would sit in front of us. Some Asian's sat right beside's Anton's feet and he kept lightly tapping his shoes in their ear. He then kept saying things, you know, "things". Like "oh, what a big hole!" and many other assorted comical lines and manly relaxation noises that made me laugh, and made the Asian couple move down about one thousand seats.
I had two full on dreams as well, so it was a pretty big night of sleep. One was about how I was living in a sky scraper with some friends and I kept saying Asian's were gonna bomb us and no one one believed me and it came true. So during the bombing I ran like forest gump and Balinese people kept shooting me with beer caps and water. The second dream was almost raunchy. I got held captive by some indescript man. I was kept in one of his room's a long with two older larger women he had saved for himself many years ago, I think they kind of liked him. I guess I was the fresh taste. I went a long with the man and I think part of me enjoyed it in some sort of stockholm syndrome style. He took my mobile phone off me so I couldn't get away but somehow I used my nintendio dsi lite as a form of communication, or something. Because over time my boyfriend found me because he tracked the location of my dsi. he was a hero, apparently.
I'm hungry. Vegetable soup is cooking, or at least I hope.
I think I'll get to writing tonight. I might as well write something worth selling some day. somehow I don't predict the discount store salvaging me for the rest of my life. oh, how I don't like thinking about that, what I'll be doing in the future, next year even. I can't bare the thought of studying. Why? because the assignments, the people, everything.
College would be just like school only a lot harder, I'm sure. I remember the school assignments. And how none of them had anything to do with the subjects I was studying. Oh, and how no matter how good my assignment grades were, the exams would strike me down a notch because I'm not one for memory games. And I kind of made a mockery out of the english exam in year 12. Apparently no one has a sense of humour these days and writing in a comical fashion is highly unorthadox. I don't care though. I don't need a graded piece of paper to tell me I'm intelligent or not, I'll let you work that out for yourself.
I have no idea what to do with my life and it scares me more than anything. Maybe I wasn't designed to do anything. Maybe I was designed to win lotto or something, yeah. I'll tell you I'm not a naive person but honestly sometimes I think I'm convinced my life will just come together like pieces of paper sticking without glue. Subconciously, of course.
I should really feed my poor starving fish, they've had a bad run when I was sick. I was too nauseous to move from my bed position to sprinkle a few bland fish flanks into the smoky tank - according to my slightly strange mother it looks like the fish are swimming in mud. That's not true. And I use the word "slightly" in a light context.
I would go and fetch some dinner from the pot but honestly, I don't feel comfortable in my own house. Like, why me? Why all these strangers all the time? I like it so much better at my dad's house because it's just him and he likes riding solo but for some reason I decided living with my mother's bullshit was better than spending unlimited amounts of money on petrol just to get to work and see people. I want another middle aged person to shake my mum by her shoulder's and tell her this is not fucking normal. I should ask Anton to get his dad or something to do so. I'm a skeptic when it comes to marriage but marriage is more normal than this.
Why does my mum act like an 18 or a 21 year old when she's almost 50? It's beyond a midlife crisis, okay. And it's beyond a joke. I've told her this but, you know. I think when I've moved out properly I will tell her straight out that her life is beyond something you find in a movie or a book. Because it won't matter how much she rages because I don't live her. I dunno, both of my parents are pretty unusual really. I guess that's why I look back and realise I've ef'd up so much. Sad thing is I will probably end up like the both of them combined, which is hard because they are both at opposite ends of the stick. I'm fucked, though. Why am I talking about my parents? This wasn't meant to be depressing.
I think, I dunno.
I have soup now, it's good. My mum made it actually, which is a shock because she never cooks because she's never home and when she does cook once a fortnight when she's home it's something I refuse to eat. It sounds like I'm talking about my mother again but really I'm explaining my food life.
They've inserted all these brand new speed and red light cameras all a long roe highway near my work. Life clearly loves my existants. I mean, I've never been done for anything, let alone pulled over, which is lucky, considering I use to ignore the speed limit when I first got my license. But for some reason they insist on all this new equipment. Everybody speeds and no one listens to the speed limit - except for me now because I don't want a fine or no license - but that's besides the point - I'm sorry but no one cares about your speed cameras or whatnot, people are always going to do 20km/h's over.
I sat at the opposite traffic lights watching the camera. It must have flashed about twenty cars who were speeding. None would know 'cos it flashes the back of them.
My boyfriend just called - briefly. Turns out he got the job. Of course I'm happy for him but it's not fair that it was so easy for him. Is it bad to be jealous of your partner? I'm sure it's normal. Just keep it locked away.
I'm going to get some more soup.
I've got the same song on repeat "Against Me! - How Low". It's the one song on the album you dislike because it sounds funny until you realise how much that song makes sense. And then you can't stop listening to it.
Last friday night I watched a documentary. Yes, I have spent the last two friday night's at home and yes I do enjoy some documentaries. It was about the collumbine high school massacre of '99 (I think 99?) it doesn't matter. A part of me thought it was brilliant. That sounds awful but you wouldn't understand. I don't think it was right to kill any of the teachers, or the innocent students, in fact I think it's wrong to kill any one but none the less these two kids were bullied out of their brains, apparently full of 'goth culture' and I'm sure there would be no better 'fuck you' then to gun down and ruin the school.
Oh I could say more on it, but I'm getting full.
So full I'm going to end this rant... here.