No words can entirely describe the thoughts that are running through my mind due to one of the most critical decisions I will ever make in my life. Such a crucial situation can only be caused by one emotion, (the basis of everything good in this world) love. This flame is not a new one, but rather an old one that has grown into an out of control conflagration. It is up to me now whether or not I enter into a relationship that I had put everything into previously, only to be shut down so many times that I have lost count – my estimate says five times. Her offer is not one that I am unfamiliar with.
Try to understand that I am madly in love with this woman, but I also wonder if she feels the same about me, or is hoodwinked by the illusion of a passion she knows I have for her in an hour of desperation of a failed attempt at another different romance. It wouldn't take much for this conflagration in my heart to burn out of control and render me helpless yet again, in its uncontrolled path. If I were to reject such an offer some may feel that I am taking the easy way out, but if I were to accept the offer others may feel that I once again am a fool entering a lost cause. If she had asked not even that long ago prior to this date, I would accept faster than my heart could beat, but now I am not at a definite answer. Either choice I make I can end up regretting, or I can be content having made the right one. I am a firm believer in the old saying: "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I also believe that the philosophy in my heart knows better in this circumstance than any philosopher of the past, present, or future. Nothing other than my heart itself must dictate the final decision. My heart knows better than any part of me, for my brain has no understanding of such a passion, and my body is lustful and biased by instinct rather than by virtue.
Some may think of me as a hypocrite for such a decision that ultimately is rejection, while others would think me as the old fool of an old game. Either way a decision must be made – and my thoughts should be limited to the content of my heart rather than what others who are ultimately unaffected by the decision would say. I leave my heart to take control of my thoughts and words, for whatever the cost may be.
Nobody had ever hurt me so much as she had hurt me several times over, however nobody could bring me as much joy as she did many times over. Then again the joy she gave me could only be short lived in the eye of a long drawn out hurricane that would drown me once again after its eye's passing. Its direction was random and always the eye would come back and leave. Somehow it never lost its power. Never before have I yearned for somebody's love as much as I have yearned for hers, but never could she be satisfied with what I had to offer.
This is far from a clear cut decision. Never before was I enough for her to love as much as I loved her with the numerous other chances she had given me. To what avail would there be this time if I so chose to find out? Before I always was missing something, since then I have gained nothing. I am well aware that she within the period between the last attempt and the present that something in her may have changed the way she sees me. There is nothing I have not considered when it comes to the past or the present and what I know of the past and present, leaves me undecided. Therefore my decision needs to be based off of what I see in the future based off of whichever decision I choose. That is the only way since I could not make a decision based off of the facts of the two formers.
There is no doubt in my mind that I will forever bear in my heart a mark she left me that I will never forget no matter what I choose to do. There is also no doubt in my mind that no matter what I choose there will always be a mark left by me in her heart that will always make her think of me in certain circumstances. But what kind of impression will I leave upon her is the question that is most important in making such a decision. I say mind in the first two sentences of the paragraph to use the correct idiom in order to be grammatically correct according to English language standards, but really what I mean is that my heart knows those thoughts to be true. I can easily determine that in my future (no matter what my decision is) will be filled with ups and downs. As I have previously stated, either decision can lead me to regret or a cheerful countenance in my future. If I were to accept her offer again – and I was to be burned – there is no doubt that the cycle could repeat itself so many times that I was to be a fool countless more times than I already have been. If it were to land in success – then there is no doubt – that I would have the most joyful countenance of any man to ever live. I understand entirely that if I were to reject her offer – and never again feel such a passion or anything stronger for anybody ever again – I would forever regret my decision and live a solitary life. On the other hand if I were to reject such an offer – then with no doubt – I would have the chance to start my life fresh in pursuit of renewed happiness instead of waiting upon something to go right. She too would have the same such opportunity upon the realization that I reject her offer only because I love her so dearly as to want her to have what is best for herself. We each could find new people who would be better for us creating a high – not induced by drugs, but rather by something more essential to an enjoyable life; a gift that is so precious – that gift and source of an incredible high being that same emotion that brought me into this conflict, love.
I define love as: a divine emotion that bonds two or more people together in such a way that a person always feels connected to the one(s) they feel such an emotion for because it changes them in one way or another. That doesn't begin to sum up what love really is, but it is the best I can do with words at the time being, which simply is not enough credit for such a potent emotion. There is no doubt in my mind that I will always love her, and there is no doubt in my mind that she will always love me, but as what will she love me. My definition leaves a broad gamut for levels of love. She may very well love me as a lover or more likely, a good friend. There are so many levels to love that love becomes complicated and easy to mistake, but all levels of love are essential to having a life that is worth living.
So I must base my decision now on how much I have come to believe she loves me. After everything I have been through with her, which has been far more than everything I've been through with anybody else I have come to a conclusion. Even if it is a month from now, sixth months from now, or even six years from now and beyond, she will come to realize that I am not the one she will love as much to forsake all others until death when we part. I believe at most I am the closest person she has met so far to being such a person that she will take her vows with on her wedding day. Even if I am short one thing that other person has that will be her groom – even such a small thing as miniscule as immeasurable by the smallest possible scale – I have no right to take that small thing away from her. That one small immeasurable quality that somebody else has makes that person more worthy than me for her. I will always cherish her place in my heart – where the conflagration has burned and the hurricane has stormed – where a mark will always stand in her memory. The two of us just were never meant to be. I do not wish to hurt her, but find it necessary in order to move her forward in pursuit of where she needs to be. As a person who loves her I must do so or otherwise be a swindler, even more unworthy of her love. I have decided to extinguish the conflagration and leave the storm with no source of power as it fades away. The mark in my heart that shows the evidence of what we have been and will continue to be to each other, will be one that I will eternally cherish and be nothing short of proud when I visit the memories. As I watch the light from the blaze weaken and finally extinguish, and see the hurricane finally die, the suns brings a new light, as we both go in search of new opportunity far off or even close by. I only pray that a better life faces us both in light of my final decision.