Overlording for Dummies
By: Death Hammer the 27th Esquire of Hellfire
Hello! Congrats on picking up the greatest super villain self help book to ever grace the planet! That said, I can only assume that by leafing through this book you are either an aspiring conqueror or simply a frustrated delinquent. If you are the latter, f*ck off, this is book is for winners only. To become an overlord, you need to have the right stuff. It takes more (but not much more) than a set of spike ridden armor and a narcissistic personality to conquer a civilization. Behold!
The Right Stuff
Spike Ridden Armor x1 (Chapter 1, Apparel)
If you are going to be an apprentice of mine, you better do it old school. If I catch you dressing DC style I will impale your transvestite ass with my Lance of Distaste. Spandex is for watered down super heroes and queers; if you want respect you roll armor clad. If you are a woman, do what you want. Keep in mind though, sex appeal might score a movie deal and a cover shoot, but even if your thong bikini/masquerade mask combo is woven with steel fibers (more practical, but it sounds uncomfortable) its still going to leave you with a slew of weak points.
Minions x How many minions you currently have, then squared (Chapter 2, Task Force)
Minions are important, they serve as scouts, body shields, cannon fodder, and mascots. You can even train them to channel surf for you when your remote's batteries die. That said, you need to choose well. Interns, Zombies, Canadians, and Mole People are destined failures right off the bat.
Base of Operations x1 (Chapter 3, To Ice a Landlord)
A fortress is acceptable, but a massive 40 story floating cannon studded castle of death is what's going to earn you your Hasbro play set contract. Concentrate on the sinister vibe, but don't forget to arm it properly to "dissuade" trespassers.
Bible on a stick x1 (Chapter 4, Irony and Narcissism)
A Bible axe makes for good irony. Also read the books of Job, Exodus, and Revelation vigorously to kickstart the villainous thinking process. The seven plauges, the bowls of wrath, genocide, and bettin' with Satan, the Big Man has a pretty impressive resume there for a sinless deity. However, if you wanna rule the world, you gotta kick it up a notch. God has seven bowls of wrath? You up it four and you damn well gloat about it! Remember, it doesn't count if the intended victim deserves it. Shank a diplomat, club a priest (not a pope, chances are they're more villanous than you), or punt a puppy; hardcore stuff along those lines.
Action Plan x1 (Chapter 5, Thinking it Through)
Yes, you only need one evil scheme. Unless it's just part of a greater evil scheme that really isn't considered as a single evil scheme because it is merely a compilation of several dozen other smaller weaker schemes. Because chapter 5 is a while away, I'm going to give you a bit of advice:
You know that doomsday device you're working on? You know, the one with the labeled on and off switch? Yeah, switch the labels around and make a mental note to yourself. Or rewrite it in Braille... Remember, the off switch is destined to cause you more irritation than any police force or caped crusader.
Of course, these are only the essentials to get you off the ground. You still have to have to steal and torture the damsel, do lots of pillaging, and compose your own theme song before anyone truly takes you seriously. Luckily enough for you this book covers all of those hot topics as well. That brings the Introduction to a close, now on to the Legal Drivel...
Death Hammer the 27th Esquire of Hellfire is not to be held accountable for any success/failures inspired from this book. Death Hammer is also not responsible for any side effects caused whilst reading this guide. Side effects include but are not limited to: Random fits of maniacal laughter, ringworm, joint stress, ranting, uncontrollable trolling tendencies, split personalities, having your shoulder angel replaced by a secondary shoulder demon, and death. All material in this book is not copy righted and free to plagiarize due to Death Hammer's stinginess.