I want to change.
I tell myself that every day, if not every minute. When I'm sitting on those hard, plastic chairs with my hands playing an invisible piano on the sturdy wood where my homework lies. It would be okay if I played piano, but I don't. Never did.
When I'm sitting on my bed in the summer with tons to do but no energy to do it.
I want to be a different person.
I'll have dreams about being someone new. I'll think it every moment of the day. I'll whisper it to myself when I sit in movie theaters. I need to change.
I'm tired of never getting things done. I'm tired of not being good at music. I'm tired of forcing myself to talk to people. I'm tired of telling myself this and never doing something about it.
I'll wake up feeling optimistic and energized; I'll do my chores. I'll eat breakfast. I'll take a five minute break. I'll empty the dishwasher and make my brother some Kool-Aid popsicles. I'll eat lunch. I'll take a nap. But when I wake up, it's gone. My motivation is no longer there for me to believe in and I can't continue the schedule I've been desperately trying to follow for weeks. I can't practice for marching band. I can't review my French. I can't learn the guitar or read a book. All I ever do is eat and write and sleep.
I'm tired of it. I want a change.
I want to plant a tree. I want to bake coffee cake; cook Italian. I want to play Scrabble. I want an abundant vocabulary. I want to make a movie. I want to sing in the shower. Most of all, I want to have enough time in the day to do all this; but you can't have time because it just tick-tick-ticks out of our grasps.
The one who has a lazy smile and warm eyes.
I want to be that person.
I want to be the girl in the books I read, with the out-of-this-world characteristics but big heart. I want to be loved and hated for legit reasons. I want to be able to do what I think, instead of think of what I want to do.
I know who I am now too. Depressing and angry for no reason; timid. I know lots of things. The sky is blue, the grass is green, i comes before e except after c. But I don't know me.
I want to stop worrying about what other people think, because they don't make me. I want the TV to stop controlling my brother. I want to quit my computer addiction. I want to look someone new in the eye and say hi. I want to compliment strangers; make them feel extraordinary. I want to comfort and solve problems and just sit there if I need to. I want to give good hugs and bright smiles. When someone turns to glare at me, I want to smile warmly.
I don't want to be this lazy. I want to think of a change and make it. I don't want to procrastinate. I want to put homework first and internet second. I don't want to be angry all the time. I want people to understand I like being alone 6 out of the 7 days of the week and feel okay about it. I don't want my parents being another problem for me. I want to set them both down and discuss their actions without being called disrespectful.
I want to speak my mind. I want to be wise but carefree and learning. I want to be respected but I want people to know I make mistakes.
I don't want to be a leader or a follower. I just want to watch the marching feet go by and do what I need to do; and if that requires leading or following along the way, so be it.
I want to be important to the people I care about. Not expendable. Useless.
Tonight I'll fall asleep feeling cynical and depressed. In the morning I'll tell myself I can make a change. Maybe, if I'm lucky, the cycle will stop.