Things that winter were a complete blur. The only thing I can seem to remember is that Kyle and I broke up. Why, you ask? Oh, I'm going to let you have a go at this one. Got it yet? Yes. You're correct! I was because of Christopher.

Things between us had gotten better. . . and worse. He made me so angry that I wanted to scream, but at the same time I was just so damn happy to be with him. I didn't understand what was going on, and still don't to this day.

He had become my bestfriend, and in a way, the only person I came to trust. When we were together, it was no longer awkward. It was as it should be; natural. With Kyle, it wasn't. I always had to try to find the right words to say, or the right thing to do to please him. I couldn't ever seem to get it right.

I had come to terms that I loved Christopher. He seemed to call me 'love' all the time, so I came up with the nickname 'child' for him, because love was 'his word'. God, that boy makes me smile.

In December, I wasn't quite sure what to do. I was still trying to get over Kyle, who had only broken up with me a couple of weeks ago, but at the same time, I wanted Child so bad. It was like, if I was having a bad day, I could text Child and everything would be okay again. He made me smile, but its not possible that a smile could've taken all my pain away. Nothing seemed to but. . . to slice that knife over my wrist after chugging down whatever alcohol that was near enough..

Now, don't yell at me. I told you I was going to tell you the cold hard truth. It all started about a month after Child told me he was cutting. I couldn't seem to comprehend why he would do something that stupid, but after a certain day in November, I hurt so much that I didn't know what to do. I saw my razor and just. . . cut. It wasn't like anything I'd ever felt before. The physical pain took away all that I'd been feeling mentally. I could take a full breath of air, my vison cleared. For one quick second, I was completely happy. You know how they say happiness never lasts? Well, people, that is so true. After I was done, reality stuck me once again. I knew I had to cover it up. I knew I couldn't tell anyone, not even Child. You know, I was so afraid that someone would find out that I even put concealer over the scar for a long time. Now, I look down at the tens of scars I have dotted over my body, and I feel so stupid. Oh, so very stupid.

Like I was saying, a blur. I don't remember doing anything but laying on my bed escaping into a book and eating chips. Nothing anyone ever said seemed to sink in. I was letting myself slip into a deep hole, and I just kept digging it deeper with every sip of vodka and slice of my flesh. I was thinking about suicide, not realizing that I needed to stay here. Not just for me, but for my family, my friends. I hated myself. The way I looked, the way I talked, the way I feel for boys, even for the way I played my music. I couldn't find a way out, and I was scared.

One night, I was taking to one of my good friend Brianne about something. I was trying to help her. I wanted to help others, because I couldn't find a way to help myself. She was talking about her friend that really liked her named Corey.

Alright, let me tell you some things about good ol' Corey. He is a giant. I'm not kidding! The boys 6'7! He has short brown, curly hair and deep brown eyes that seem to look into your soul. He cares for all people, no matter what class or what problem they may have. He is smart, smart as in he read and understood the bible at the age of eight. You could go to him about anything, and I mean anything. He became my teacher, you could say. No, he didn't tutor me after school with science, even though I may have needed it. He taught me things about real life, things I wouldn't have known about if it wasn't for him. There was one little catch, little stupid freshman me fell for him, the junior that was in love with my friend. Now, I was a good girl and kept it quiet for a while, but he could tell that something was up. He always could. I told him, he told Brianne, and then, I lost a friend. She was one of the few I was really close too. We used to go out for coffee on Saturday nights, listen to bands together, and we always had a blast.

After I lost Brianne, Corey started talking to me less, and less. We used to text all night, every night. I remember the day that he said I didn't need him as clear as crystal.

I was sitting in my mom's new Ford Edge with the air conditioning on full blast, waiting for my mom to finish getting ready so I could to go ride my horse. It was hot, even with the air on. I sent Corey a simple hello, and he started going off on me. About how I didn't need to text him 'every minute of the damn day'. That's when I realized something; I didn't need anyone to be happy.

I know this hasn't been that long, but I'm done. I think this needs to end. I believe that everyone learns something their first year of highschool, and me? My lesson was to learn not lean too much on people. To sum everything up, yes. I went out with Child. We never kissed, and still haven't to this day. Now we're best friends like we always should have been. I still talk to him every night, still say the wonderful 'I love you's and yes, I still like him. But instead of sitting here, writing about this, I'm going to go out and do something. Go have fun. I want you all to listen to me, loving someone shouldn't hurt. Ever. If you're meant to be, it will, and I promise you, find a way. And to be honest, my name's Abbigail Marie Speiser, and I am for once happy.