Why?

Isn't this the word that stumps anyone? Lest it be on it's own, or incorporated with another question to make one big question. For example. Why are you so weird? Why can't you help your problem yourself? Why do you have to be so different than everyone else? Why did I end up being stuck with you? Why couldn't I have a normal child instead of you?

These are the questions that are thrown in my face. Day after precious day. That one word haunts me, because I can't answer the only person in my life that I have. That same person that I don't want to disappoint, but sadly do. That person, is my mom. I love her to bits, but sadly the feeling isn't mutual. Instead of the love I want and need, no, dream of, I get these unanswerable questions from her.

I'm Emerald, and I have a disorder. Social Phobia, to be exact. Some people call it Social Anxiety, but I reason more with the former, because that is exactly like spelling out my problem. I have a fear: Phobia. Of people: Society as in being Social.

Okay, to people who aren't really getting what my problem entitles, and why it's is a big problem, let me help you out. See, when I get called on in class, or even out in the halls, I freak out! Not in the "AHH! Everyone run for your lives! A crazy- madwoman is loose! " sense, but more so of the "Get so scared I flee from the scene" sense. Though, that is only one of my many problems. I have no friends. I can't talk to anyone, because it scares the heck out of me! Therefore, I can't explain to people that I have Social Phobia. The kids in my school know me as the quite girl, who never talks to anyone. Some think I have Autism, and that I do not have the ability to talk. I prefer that, than what the other kids think, the majority of the school, which is, that I am just plain stupid. To let you in on a little secret. I am smart. And, I am not just saying that to sound arrogant, or egotistical, but really I have the highest GPA in my whole school.

Now, hopefully some of you are thinking, "If she is so smart than shouldn't her mother be proud of her, and see past her problems?" Thank you! Seriously. This is why I have tried to succeed academically, because I am trying to make my mother proud, but she is not one to be proud of grades. Sure she would hate me even more if I was flunking everything, but that is, because I would only be causing her even more problems.

Speaking of school, I am going to be a senior this year! That's right last year of high school! Woot woot! Okay... On a more serious note, I am still really nervous about the first day, tomorrow. The thing is, I have always been nervous on every first day of school. Well, it is more of that I am nervous of the whole first week of school. The reason being, because of my Social Phobia, and that through the whole first week I am going to have episodes, meaning running out of the classroom when called on, and having panic attacks if I am touched by anyone, for they are not yet trusted. I am finally okay with taking attendance, because all I have to do is raise my hand, but sure I break out in a cold sweat doing so. Every time I dash out of a classroom, or lets just say as my Therapist does, an "episode", my mom has to be notified. Then, she goes on telling the teachers about my disorder, and they usually avoid me. What really gets me though, is that every time I come home from school, and know that my mom has been called atlest once about my behavior, I can't look her in the eye. I know the look she would give me. Not one of sympathy, but of disappointment and exhaustion. Sometimes there is the slightest twinge of hate. That is the main reason I can't look into her eyes. I don't want to see the only person that I depended on, in my entire 17 years of life, hate me. This has always been a sore subject for me, and I have never told anyone, not even my therapist, who I don't even talk to in the first place.

How ironic. So, I go to my therapist every Thursday, but she doesn't help me what so ever! I mean come on! Isn't she supposed to be the one with the fancy degree from Harvard, or something? Every time I go there, and sit in front of her, while she shoots off questions for a whole hour. The thing –which she should know – is that with my "disorder" I have a fear (phobia) of talking to people (social), who I distrust, and let me just tell you, I am not going to trust that sour-puss. Her face always looks like she is sucking on a lemon constantly. Always pinched and very… untrustworthy! Yeah…

Holy smokes! –Yeah, yeah I know I sound like an old granny – It's 2 a.m.! I have to wake up for school in four hours! Whoa… I am screwed. How long was I thinking about all of this? Oh no. That reminded me, that tomorrow, actually more like today, is the first day of school!

Argh! I don't feel so good now… and I sound like a pirate.

Great…