You know how people talk about the silver lining on the other side of bad things?

I remembered learning what a good thing a memory can be, but I learned how much it can also be a curse.

And I remember that brought my heart back to my chest, and c.r.u.s.h.e.d. it. I still dream of you, and I wake up, covered in sweat, tangled in blankets, hands clenched in fists, choking because without you its so damn hard to just breathe.

There have been days when I have wondered whether I could run to you, walk to you, fly to you.

I would do anything to get to you. I would do anything to get back at you.

I can see it now. I'll kick and scream, I'll probably hit you, and hurt you and cry cry cry. But you know what happens in the end? The same thing that always happens. I'll nurse your injuries. I'll watch you smile, and you'll have won. I'll touch your skin, and I will ruin myself once again. I will be the most perfect mess, the most wonderful imbalance of counter-productivity, the happiest kind of personalizationalized juxtaposition. The kind that makes up words and feelings, and heal all your wounds, but can't really ever heal anything inside of you.

Most people never find the silver lining. But me? I lost it.