This is what I'm going through, this very day.

July, 29, 2010

There's a hole in my stomache, wrenching out all feeling and replacing it with numbness. I feeling I know all too well. Today I hae eaten a few sunflower seeds, a chip, some sour candy that burns my tounge so that I won't eat anything without pain, and a few crackers. I have three new cuts on my arm by 10:00 AM. I've started reading my favorite books again, getting lost in the fictional word of Harry Potter eases the pain. My mother isn't helping. I found out that she refused to tesify against her boyfriend that raped me. She's still with him. I know it. They always text eachother and call eachother. She's also making fun of my weight gain. Even when she's about a hundred pounds more than me. I've worn my new jacket that I got from Kohl's to hide my cuts from my grandmother. Her heart is much too frail to see my pain. Almost too frail to know what I'vebeen put through. She bought me an 80 piece art set, 64 crayons, and a scetchbook. I like drawing. I mostly draw realistic roses, or hearts on crosses with thorny vines holding it in place. I haven't showered in weeks. My face is dirty, for some reason the inside of my lips are black. My mother complains when I take showers, saying I use too much hot water. When really, I use ice cold water, which helps with the pain. I've looked at the disgusting pictures of anorexic women, but it doesn't stop me. Nothing will stop me. Not even if Alan Rickman suddenly fell through my roof and made love to me. People think just because I'm thirteen, I don't know what life is about. They don't know that I have been raped, starved, abused, neglected, thorwn into houses with vultures, and raped again. I know I need help, but in Colorado, all they do is stereotype you, and only believe what your parents say. Which makes it all the much worse.

I wish I could cut my mother's heart out with a spoon. I also wish Alan Rickman would threaten me with a spoon. :P