The (un)Official Fictionpress Drinking Game

I've been on this site off and on for some years now. One thing always holds true: this place makes me crave alcohol and – more importantly – the mind-altering effects alcohol produces. I doubt I'm the only one.

So I figured its time this place had its own drinking game.

Understand, I don't condone underage drinking (even though I tried it when I was a teenager), so I'll be a good little hypocrite and tell you small children to stop reading now. Go suck on your baby bottle. This is for big boys and girls only (decide for yourself if you're big enough or not).

Glad that's over with.

Now, the only thing you need are drinks and friends. If your friends aren't writers here, it's okay. Mine aren't. They can play along anyway, using your statistics when necessary. And don't waste your money on the good stuff. This site isn't worth emptying your wallet over. Just buy the cheapest beer, vodka, wine (boxed wine is good enough), and wine cooler you can possibly find.

Now, before you dare take a sip, do two things: eat some food and drink water! Seriously. This is how you tap-dance your way around hangovers, people. Food absorbs some of the alcohol, and water keeps you from getting dehydrated.

Don't say you haven't been warned. And since I gave that warning, I fully expect at least one idiot to drink on an empty stomach.

Happy dry heaves, genius.

Okay, here's the game's rules:

Down 1 shot of vodka for every meaningful review you got that day (gives constructive criticism, helpful tips, explains why they like/dislike it, etc.). Don't worry, you'll stay sober.

Have 1 beer for every 2 useless reviews you got that day ("I luv it, story wuz awwzome!2k?!"). You'll be drunk in no time.

Drink 1 wine cooler for every work of fanfiction you find on this site. This site isn't for fanfiction, and wine coolers definitely aren't for drinking. Wine coolers are disgusting. Just saying.

Guzzle 2 beers for every story you see that lacks paragraph spacing. You know, the ones with the two thousand word block of text clumped together? The reason half of you need or will need glasses? Yeah, those ones.

Take 3 vodka shots to the head for every C2/Community you've made here. Trust me, those things are useless. Nobody looks at them. If you created more than one, you deserve to be unconscious.

Gulp down 2 beers for every story you started and never finished. This site is not you trash can, people. Take your unfinished garbage and get it out of my sight/site! And ignore the fact that I never complete anything I put here . . .

Drink 2 wine coolers for every stupid forum post you've made. Every—single—one.

Sip 1 glass of wine for every year you've been here. After all, we and wine are alike. We both get more fine with time. I know I have, at least. And I'm more humble.

Sip 2 glasses of wine whenever you complete a story of 50,000 words or more. Drink up. You deserve it, you writer you.

(Bonus Rule) Drink 1 keg of any alcohol you want if you love Dice Darwin. Now, when you get alcohol poisoning and you're rushed to the hospital, be sure to say hi to all the pretty nurses for me. Thanks in advance.

That's the game. If this doesn't turn you into an alcoholic, nothing will. If you have any suggestions or additions to this list, let everyone know. I might make a part 2. If you're brave enough to try this, let me know how it goes. I'll be doing it myself at some point, so when it's all over I'll meet you in the ICU.

Oh, and a note: though I make fun of useless reviews, I actually heart them very much. So gimme.

This drinking game has been brought to you by someone who doesn't care about your health.