Hetalia Axis Powers Ramblings
A/N: Just some madcap situations between countries. Sit back, enjoy !
Scene 1--Canada Messes With China
Canada: Hey, America !
America: What's up, Canada ?
Canada: You know how you're always going on about me not knowing how to have a good time ? Well, (haughtily) I'm going to show you I can have fun !
America: (aside) This should be interesting.
Canada: Watch ! (tittering, dialing China on the phone)
China: Herro ? China speaking. Who is this ?
Canada: Chickety china. The Chinese chicken. Do you sell them ?
China: No. Who is this ? Seriously !
Canada: Chickety china. The Chinese chicken. You have a drumstick and your brain starts clicking. Do you have any of those ? (snickering)
China: No. America, I know it's you on the other end ! You can stop playing around now.
Canada: (pouting) You're no fun at all.
China: Aiya. I'm hanging up now. Stupid crank caller. (dial tone)
Canada: I swear China has no sense of humor.
America: China's much funnier than Thailand or Vietnam, certainly. (seeing Canada sulk) What's wrong, Canada ?
Canada: Even China doesn't recognize me.
America: (pats his back) Don't worry about it. (beams) Have some pancakes ! (has freshly made pancakes on a platter, covered in maple syrup and sugar)
Canada: Breakfast…for dinner ?
America: Yep !
Canada: It looks…incredible.
America: Go on, eat up !
Canada: (eating) It is incredible. America, this is DELICIOUS !
America: See, I know what you need. Stick with me, kid, and the world will be ours someday.
Canada: Wait a minute, what ?
Scene 2--What Did America Ever Give to the Rest of the World ?
America: Come on, France !
France: I really don't want to be seen anywhere near this English twat.
England: Hey, I'll have you know I saved your ass twice during the Great War AND World War 2.
France: I really wish you would stop reminding me of it.
Germany: He's right though.
Italy: But we all got our butts kicked by America.
America: Bingo ! And don't you guys forget it !
Spain: This place looks dingy…
Italy: Are you sure this place has been inspected by the FDA ?
America: Don't worry ! Everything's fine. Now come on. Don't be such cowards.
Germany: Cowards ? (a bit angered) No one, and I mean NO one calls ME a coward.
(goes in first)
England: (following) Ugh, does everyone in here have to be riffraff or some sort of thug ?
Italy: Germany, I'm scared… (hugging him)
Germany: Italy, it's fine. I'll protect you as always.
Italy: (gleefully) Yea ! (kisses his cheek) Tee hee.
France: (shudders at the country music) Does this jukebox play any jazz ?
America: 'Fraid not, France.
France: (shrug) C'est la vie, eh ? Might as well live and let live.
America: (waiting to be waited on) Oh, hey ! I already know what I want. A big, juicy cheeseburger and French fries. Oh, I also want a coke.
French: Crepes. And water.
Spain: I'll stick with the taco salad, since you have no gazpacho. (sighs pitifully) And a Dos Equis. Obrigado.
Italy: PASTA ! As usual. And a glass of red wine. Por favore ?
Germany: Potato pancakes, sour kraut and bratwurst. Oh, and a Heineken if you have any on tap.
(Waiter nods and goes off and puts in their orders)
France: I was thinking about what a great country I am. I mean, so many fantastic contributions have come from me.
Germany: (lowers head) Here we go again.
Spain: Ugh, I hate it when he gets nostalgic.
America: Yeah ? What did you ever give to the world that we couldn't have done better ?
France: Take government…
Greece: (meekly from the side) Actually, government was our…
France: Can it, Greece ! Art, culture, fine wine and cuisine.
America: Yeah, well. (flustered) We have incredible food here too !
France: (amused) Like what, America ?
America: Pizza !
Italy: That's from my country.
America: Erm…Tacos ?
Spain: That would be Mexico.
Mexico: (from the back) Si, es verdad, amigo.
America: Cayate, Mexico !
Mexico: Si, senor ! (gets back to work)
America: (angry) America has done plenty for the world and given the world many incredible things in return. I mean, look at our automobiles !
England: Actually, automobile manufacturing began with me, you dipstick.
Germany: And we, as well as Japan, perfected the art.
America: Oh, hell !
France: Did you know we even gave the world the 69 ?
Spain: France !
Italy: Ooo, really ?
France: Oui and French kissing. It's quite lovely, maybe you should try it.
America: Well…well…We gave the world the missionary position !
(All the countries are shocked)
America: YOU'RE WELCOME !
(scene fade) Scene 3--Dinner With Switzerland
America: (impressed at the dining arrangements) Super ! This place is really swanky, Switzerland !
Switzerland: (not wanting to boast) Oh, I do what I can.
England: I'm happy I could make it as well.
Poland: I'm pleased for once I was included as well.
Switzerland: Lichtenstein insisted that you came, and we thought it would be nice if Russia joined us.
Russia: Greetings comrades. Ah, hello, Switzerland. Lichtenstein. (kisses her hand)
Lichtenstein: (blushing) He's quite the charmer isn't he ?
Switzerland: (leaning over) Don't fall for it.
America: Switzerland ! You're one of my favorite countries ! I love your little Swiss army knives and your cheese. You know, the one with all the holes ? Does it come that way out of the cow ?
England: (patting America on the head) Ah, my little brother. Always the life of the party. Loves to make jokes.
Switzerland: Ah, a jokey-joke ? Ha ha ! I like you more already. (pausing) You should really come to my country sometime.
America: (gleefully) I can't understand your accent.
England: Loveable brother, you never change.
Scene 4--America the Otaku
America: So, I decided to visit Japan and give myself some cultural enlightenment.
Japan: Welcome back America. What brings you here ?
America: I want to learn. Teach me.
Japan: Oh ? Is that so. What would you like to learn ?
America: About your culture. About this thing…called anime. And manga.
I've already tried your cuisine. It's magnificent. I especially adore sushi. We have that in my country, only we call them California rolls.
Japan: Fascinating. I'll teach you all you wish to know. Come, let's go sing karaoke.
America: (raised brow) Karaoke ?
Japan: (singing karaoke to his end theme in Hetalia)
America: That's astounding. Your voice is so pure…so beautiful ! (wipes tears from eyes)
I'm sorry. I got a little bit overklempt !
Japan: You already know about our video games. Here are some manga, and some of our latest anime series.
America: (looking them over) Most of these have really cute girls in them. But why such big breasts ?
Japan: (blushing) Ahem. Such a thing seems to be in vogue these days.
America: I don't mind that. Bring on the big bosomed females !
Japan: Have you been hitting the sake too hard again, America ?
America: (furrows eyebrows) And what if I have ? (hiccups) Sock it to me !
Japan: (lowers head and sighs in exasperation) I'm taking you home so you don't make an ass out of yourself.
America: (singing 'Star Spangled Banner' at the top of his lungs on the karaoke machine off key, getting dragged off stage)
Scene 5--Scotland's Idea of Sport
England: I think it's rather kind of big brother Scotland to have invited me for some friendly competition.
Ireland: Absolutely. How long has it been since we played against each other ?
Greece: Last world cup, of course.
Spain: I think I was victorious.
Germany: (sulking) We were so close.
Spain: There, there. There's always next year.
Germany: True, true.
America: Look who else is here ! Finland and Poland. Nice !
Poland: Hey, everybody.
Finland: Isn't it great to have some guy time alone again ?
Poland: I hear that ! So, where's Scotland ?
Ireland: He's running a bit behind.
Scotland: (catching breath) Sorry about that, lads. Norway and I had business to attend to, but I'm here now. Let's play golf, shall we ? England, and Ireland you caddy.
America: (stifles a giggle)
Ireland: (muttering) I always have to caddy for Scotland.
Greece: So, the objective is to hit the ball into the hole ? Seems easy enough. (takes a swing and first swing is actually quite good)
Finland: Impressive, Greece.
Greece: (showing off biceps) I have been working out.
America: (looking at stomach self consciously) That's nothing ! Watch a pro at work.
England: Ah, this should be priceless.
America: (his shot is fantastic but lands in a sand-trap) Oh…HELL !
(All the other countries laugh, even Germany, who is stifling giggles)
Germany: Sorry, but you're just so hilarious when you're mad.
Italy: Germany-san has a point.
America: (crying a little) Oh, shut up, Italy.
Scotland: Heh, I'll show you all how this little game is played. Observe. (his shot goes directly from where he stands into the hole) Eagle, nailed it !
Ireland: (to America) Don't let it get you down, America. After all, I don't really think of this as a sport anyway.
Scotland: (enraged) What…was…THAT ?!
Announcer: Do to the amount of violence in this scene we had to censor Scotland's reaction to Ireland's foot-in-mouth disease.
Greece: The moral of the story is never to insult Scotland about his idea of sports.
Ireland: Aye, true. Ow.
Scene 6--World Conference
Sealand: (sighs) No one ever recognizes me at these conferences. (sigh)
Australia: Don't feel bad. Some people think I'm Austria. Don't know how they get us confused. I mean. Look at Austria.
Austria: (glimmering/shimmering, looking cool and suave, as usual)
Sealand: You look nothing like him.
New Zealand: Hey, look ! It's Norway ! Sweden, Switzerland, Estonia, Hungary, Belarus, Latvia…Seems like everyone's here.
Norway: (greeting everyone, looks at Sealand) Who are you again ? Sea World ?
Sealand: (grumbles) It's Sea LAND. SEALAND, dummy !
England: Woah, easy there, lad. No need to get so upset.
Sealand: Norway's being mean again.
Norway: Sorry, I just call it like I see it, kid.
Sealand: (flips out)
Germany: (takes one look at Sealand and he stops dead in his tracks) What's all the ruckus about ?
Estonia: Well, Germany…Norway here upset Sealand.
Germany: (sigh) Can't we have a conference in peace for once ?
America: Yeah, dudes ! (singing) All we are saying is give peace a chance !
Norway: (chagrined) Ok. OK ! I'm sorry.
Germany: Ser Gutt. Now shall we get this meeting underway ?
America: As usual I will go first.
Sweden: Why not me ?
Switzerland: (shrug) Don't look at me, I don't make the rules.
America: We fixed the oil problem !
Cuba: (whirls thumb around in air)
England: Glad to hear it old chap.
America: We're still working on the whole global warming thing.
Sweden: (aside) Good luck.
America: What was that, Sweden ?
Sweden: (nervous) I mean, ah-heh. Nothing ! Nothing at all.
France: (singing 'The World's Address' over America's prattling)
(Everyone else notices and joins in)
(scene fade at the end of the song)
Scene 7--Bacon ?
Canada: Hey, England !
England: What is it, Canada ?
Canada: (beams) You actually recognize me !
England: Yeah, well…You are different than other countries after all. You did have the Winter Olympics.
Italy: (yawning) Hey, what's going on, everybody ?
Germany: Ja. Care to fill us in ?
Canada: Great, everyone's here just in time to witness comedic gold !
England: Just what are you up to, Canada ?
Canada: Watch. And learn. (fries up bacon in a skillet)
America: (dreaming of burgers, French fries, shakes, etc.) Bacon ? Bacon ! (runs)
Gotta get that bacon ! Yummy bacon, savory bacon, crispy bacon !
Canada: Who wants a strip of bacon ?
America: Me, I'd get it myself but I'm too much of a slacker ! (hopping up and down)
Canada: (gives bacon to America)
America: Om nom nom nom nom ! It's BACON ! (squeals)
(Other countries nearly die laughing)
America: What ? What's so funny ? Do I have something between my teeth ?
Come on guys. You're being mean !
Scene 8--Alcohol Around the World
Canada: He said, 'Do you know what I do when I see a milkshake ?" And then do you know what America said ?
Australia: (laughing) Nah, mate ! Tell me !
Canada: He said, "I drink it up ! I drink your milkshake !"
Australia: God, America's such a character !
America: Hey, Australia ! Canada ! What are you talking about ?
Canada: (meekly) Erm, nothing ! (laughs nervously)
America: Since it's nearly New Year's Day, I was thinking of celebrating. Anyone want a beer ?
England: I'll take a pint.
Australia: Same here.
Scotland: Scotch, if you don't mind.
France: Fine wine.
Italy: Ooh, now that I can definitely go for right about now.
America: What about you, China ?
China: I'll pass. I'll have some tea.
Russia: Oh, come on, China ! Have some Vodka with me ! You'll like it.
China: Remember what happened the last time you gave me Vodka ?
Russia: Da, you were such fun ! Tee hee.
China: (grumbles) Pass.
Russia: Spoiled sport.
Greece: I'll stick to Uzo as usual.
Japan: Sake, please.
America: You know what they say, guys. Wine is fine, liquor is quicker.
Ireland: Ain't that the truth.
Russia: But Vodka will make you plotza.
Greece: And Uzo makes you shout OPA !
America: Here's to another year with newfound possibilities ahead of us.
(They all toast with boots from their own countries)
Ireland: (Singing Auld Lang Sine until he passes out)
England: (looking concerned)
Scotland: Don't worry, little brother. He does this every year and suffers little for it.
Scene 9--The Finale
America: (looking at all his friends) I'd like to teach the world to sing and hang with it a while….I'd like to buy the world a Coke, and then the world would smile…
(Everyone joins in and sings and dances)
Russia; Oh, I've got a better one ! (begins singing Tuk, Tuk, Tuk and dancing)
Greece: I never knew Russia had moves like that.
Latvia/ Estonia/Lithuania: Go Russia !
Spain: Impressive, impressive.
America: Hey, I've got another one ! (Takes Italy's hand) Come on !
(Sings "Love Train")
France: Oh, I just love this one ! Perfect choice ! Unconditional love, baby !
Japan: (Sakura Wars theme playing) And thus, through the magic of song, the entire world was united in peace and harmony.
Cuba: (aside, not dancing) Yeah…right.
(Cast Bow to the 'World' version of Hetalia)