Hetalia Axis Powers Ramblings

A/N: Just some madcap situations between countries. Sit back, enjoy !

Scene 1--Canada Messes With China

Canada: Hey, America !

America: What's up, Canada ?

Canada: You know how you're always going on about me not knowing how to have a good time ? Well, (haughtily) I'm going to show you I can have fun !

America: (aside) This should be interesting.

Canada: Watch ! (tittering, dialing China on the phone)

China: Herro ? China speaking. Who is this ?

Canada: Chickety china. The Chinese chicken. Do you sell them ?

China: No. Who is this ? Seriously !

Canada: Chickety china. The Chinese chicken. You have a drumstick and your brain starts clicking. Do you have any of those ? (snickering)

China: No. America, I know it's you on the other end ! You can stop playing around now.

Canada: (pouting) You're no fun at all.

China: Aiya. I'm hanging up now. Stupid crank caller. (dial tone)

Canada: I swear China has no sense of humor.

America: China's much funnier than Thailand or Vietnam, certainly. (seeing Canada sulk) What's wrong, Canada ?

Canada: Even China doesn't recognize me.

America: (pats his back) Don't worry about it. (beams) Have some pancakes ! (has freshly made pancakes on a platter, covered in maple syrup and sugar)

Canada: Breakfast…for dinner ?

America: Yep !

Canada: It looks…incredible.

America: Go on, eat up !

Canada: (eating) It is incredible. America, this is DELICIOUS !

America: See, I know what you need. Stick with me, kid, and the world will be ours someday.

Canada: Wait a minute, what ?

(scene fade)

Scene 2--What Did America Ever Give to the Rest of the World ?

America: Come on, France !

France: I really don't want to be seen anywhere near this English twat.

England: Hey, I'll have you know I saved your ass twice during the Great War AND World War 2.

France: I really wish you would stop reminding me of it.

Germany: He's right though.

Italy: But we all got our butts kicked by America.

America: Bingo ! And don't you guys forget it !

Spain: This place looks dingy…

Italy: Are you sure this place has been inspected by the FDA ?

America: Don't worry ! Everything's fine. Now come on. Don't be such cowards.

Germany: Cowards ? (a bit angered) No one, and I mean NO one calls ME a coward.

(goes in first)

England: (following) Ugh, does everyone in here have to be riffraff or some sort of thug ?

Italy: Germany, I'm scared… (hugging him)

Germany: Italy, it's fine. I'll protect you as always.

Italy: (gleefully) Yea ! (kisses his cheek) Tee hee.

France: (shudders at the country music) Does this jukebox play any jazz ?

America: 'Fraid not, France.

France: (shrug) C'est la vie, eh ? Might as well live and let live.

America: (waiting to be waited on) Oh, hey ! I already know what I want. A big, juicy cheeseburger and French fries. Oh, I also want a coke.

French: Crepes. And water.

Spain: I'll stick with the taco salad, since you have no gazpacho. (sighs pitifully) And a Dos Equis. Obrigado.

Italy: PASTA ! As usual. And a glass of red wine. Por favore ?

Germany: Potato pancakes, sour kraut and bratwurst. Oh, and a Heineken if you have any on tap.

(Waiter nods and goes off and puts in their orders)

France: I was thinking about what a great country I am. I mean, so many fantastic contributions have come from me.

Germany: (lowers head) Here we go again.

Spain: Ugh, I hate it when he gets nostalgic.

America: Yeah ? What did you ever give to the world that we couldn't have done better ?

France: Take government…

Greece: (meekly from the side) Actually, government was our…

France: Can it, Greece ! Art, culture, fine wine and cuisine.

America: Yeah, well. (flustered) We have incredible food here too !

France: (amused) Like what, America ?

America: Pizza !

Italy: That's from my country.

America: Erm…Tacos ?

Spain: That would be Mexico.

Mexico: (from the back) Si, es verdad, amigo.

America: Cayate, Mexico !

Mexico: Si, senor ! (gets back to work)

America: (angry) America has done plenty for the world and given the world many incredible things in return. I mean, look at our automobiles !

England: Actually, automobile manufacturing began with me, you dipstick.

Germany: And we, as well as Japan, perfected the art.

America: Oh, hell !

France: Did you know we even gave the world the 69 ?

Spain: France !

Italy: Ooo, really ?

France: Oui and French kissing. It's quite lovely, maybe you should try it.

America: Well…well…We gave the world the missionary position !

(All the countries are shocked)


(scene fade) Scene 3--Dinner With Switzerland

America: (impressed at the dining arrangements) Super ! This place is really swanky, Switzerland !

Switzerland: (not wanting to boast) Oh, I do what I can.

England: I'm happy I could make it as well.

Poland: I'm pleased for once I was included as well.

Switzerland: Lichtenstein insisted that you came, and we thought it would be nice if Russia joined us.

Russia: Greetings comrades. Ah, hello, Switzerland. Lichtenstein. (kisses her hand)

Lichtenstein: (blushing) He's quite the charmer isn't he ?

Switzerland: (leaning over) Don't fall for it.

America: Switzerland ! You're one of my favorite countries ! I love your little Swiss army knives and your cheese. You know, the one with all the holes ? Does it come that way out of the cow ?

England: (patting America on the head) Ah, my little brother. Always the life of the party. Loves to make jokes.

Switzerland: Ah, a jokey-joke ? Ha ha ! I like you more already. (pausing) You should really come to my country sometime.

America: (gleefully) I can't understand your accent.

England: Loveable brother, you never change.

(Scene change)

Scene 4--America the Otaku

America: So, I decided to visit Japan and give myself some cultural enlightenment.

Japan: Welcome back America. What brings you here ?

America: I want to learn. Teach me.

Japan: Oh ? Is that so. What would you like to learn ?

America: About your culture. About this thing…called anime. And manga.

I've already tried your cuisine. It's magnificent. I especially adore sushi. We have that in my country, only we call them California rolls.

Japan: Fascinating. I'll teach you all you wish to know. Come, let's go sing karaoke.

America: (raised brow) Karaoke ?

(shift scene)

Japan: (singing karaoke to his end theme in Hetalia)

America: That's astounding. Your voice is so pure…so beautiful ! (wipes tears from eyes)

I'm sorry. I got a little bit overklempt !

Japan: You already know about our video games. Here are some manga, and some of our latest anime series.

America: (looking them over) Most of these have really cute girls in them. But why such big breasts ?

Japan: (blushing) Ahem. Such a thing seems to be in vogue these days.

America: I don't mind that. Bring on the big bosomed females !

Japan: Have you been hitting the sake too hard again, America ?

America: (furrows eyebrows) And what if I have ? (hiccups) Sock it to me !

Japan: (lowers head and sighs in exasperation) I'm taking you home so you don't make an ass out of yourself.

America: (singing 'Star Spangled Banner' at the top of his lungs on the karaoke machine off key, getting dragged off stage)

(Scene fade)

Scene 5--Scotland's Idea of Sport

England: I think it's rather kind of big brother Scotland to have invited me for some friendly competition.

Ireland: Absolutely. How long has it been since we played against each other ?

Greece: Last world cup, of course.

Spain: I think I was victorious.

Germany: (sulking) We were so close.

Spain: There, there. There's always next year.

Germany: True, true.

America: Look who else is here ! Finland and Poland. Nice !

Poland: Hey, everybody.

Finland: Isn't it great to have some guy time alone again ?

Poland: I hear that ! So, where's Scotland ?

Ireland: He's running a bit behind.

Scotland: (catching breath) Sorry about that, lads. Norway and I had business to attend to, but I'm here now. Let's play golf, shall we ? England, and Ireland you caddy.

America: (stifles a giggle)

Ireland: (muttering) I always have to caddy for Scotland.

Greece: So, the objective is to hit the ball into the hole ? Seems easy enough. (takes a swing and first swing is actually quite good)

Finland: Impressive, Greece.

Greece: (showing off biceps) I have been working out.

America: (looking at stomach self consciously) That's nothing ! Watch a pro at work.

England: Ah, this should be priceless.

America: (his shot is fantastic but lands in a sand-trap) Oh…HELL !

(All the other countries laugh, even Germany, who is stifling giggles)

Germany: Sorry, but you're just so hilarious when you're mad.

Italy: Germany-san has a point.

America: (crying a little) Oh, shut up, Italy.

Scotland: Heh, I'll show you all how this little game is played. Observe. (his shot goes directly from where he stands into the hole) Eagle, nailed it !

Ireland: (to America) Don't let it get you down, America. After all, I don't really think of this as a sport anyway.

Scotland: (enraged) What…was…THAT ?!

Announcer: Do to the amount of violence in this scene we had to censor Scotland's reaction to Ireland's foot-in-mouth disease.

Greece: The moral of the story is never to insult Scotland about his idea of sports.

Ireland: Aye, true. Ow.

(scene fade)

Scene 6--World Conference

Sealand: (sighs) No one ever recognizes me at these conferences. (sigh)

Australia: Don't feel bad. Some people think I'm Austria. Don't know how they get us confused. I mean. Look at Austria.

Austria: (glimmering/shimmering, looking cool and suave, as usual)

Sealand: You look nothing like him.

New Zealand: Hey, look ! It's Norway ! Sweden, Switzerland, Estonia, Hungary, Belarus, Latvia…Seems like everyone's here.

Norway: (greeting everyone, looks at Sealand) Who are you again ? Sea World ?

Sealand: (grumbles) It's Sea LAND. SEALAND, dummy !

England: Woah, easy there, lad. No need to get so upset.

Sealand: Norway's being mean again.

Norway: Sorry, I just call it like I see it, kid.

Sealand: (flips out)

Germany: (takes one look at Sealand and he stops dead in his tracks) What's all the ruckus about ?

Estonia: Well, Germany…Norway here upset Sealand.

Germany: (sigh) Can't we have a conference in peace for once ?

America: Yeah, dudes ! (singing) All we are saying is give peace a chance !

Norway: (chagrined) Ok. OK ! I'm sorry.

Germany: Ser Gutt. Now shall we get this meeting underway ?

France: Oui.

America: As usual I will go first.

Sweden: Why not me ?

Switzerland: (shrug) Don't look at me, I don't make the rules.

America: We fixed the oil problem !

Cuba: (whirls thumb around in air)

England: Glad to hear it old chap.

America: We're still working on the whole global warming thing.

Sweden: (aside) Good luck.

America: What was that, Sweden ?

Sweden: (nervous) I mean, ah-heh. Nothing ! Nothing at all.

France: (singing 'The World's Address' over America's prattling)

(Everyone else notices and joins in)

(scene fade at the end of the song)

Scene 7--Bacon ?

Canada: Hey, England !

England: What is it, Canada ?

Canada: (beams) You actually recognize me !

England: Yeah, well…You are different than other countries after all. You did have the Winter Olympics.

Italy: (yawning) Hey, what's going on, everybody ?

Germany: Ja. Care to fill us in ?

Canada: Great, everyone's here just in time to witness comedic gold !

England: Just what are you up to, Canada ?

Canada: Watch. And learn. (fries up bacon in a skillet)

America: (dreaming of burgers, French fries, shakes, etc.) Bacon ? Bacon ! (runs)

Gotta get that bacon ! Yummy bacon, savory bacon, crispy bacon !

Canada: Who wants a strip of bacon ?

America: Me, I'd get it myself but I'm too much of a slacker ! (hopping up and down)

Canada: (gives bacon to America)

America: Om nom nom nom nom ! It's BACON ! (squeals)

(Other countries nearly die laughing)

America: What ? What's so funny ? Do I have something between my teeth ?

Come on guys. You're being mean !

(Scene fade)

Scene 8--Alcohol Around the World

Canada: He said, 'Do you know what I do when I see a milkshake ?" And then do you know what America said ?

Australia: (laughing) Nah, mate ! Tell me !

Canada: He said, "I drink it up ! I drink your milkshake !"

Australia: God, America's such a character !

America: Hey, Australia ! Canada ! What are you talking about ?

Canada: (meekly) Erm, nothing ! (laughs nervously)

America: Since it's nearly New Year's Day, I was thinking of celebrating. Anyone want a beer ?

England: I'll take a pint.

Australia: Same here.

Scotland: Scotch, if you don't mind.

France: Fine wine.

Italy: Ooh, now that I can definitely go for right about now.

America: What about you, China ?

China: I'll pass. I'll have some tea.

Russia: Oh, come on, China ! Have some Vodka with me ! You'll like it.

China: Remember what happened the last time you gave me Vodka ?

Russia: Da, you were such fun ! Tee hee.

China: (grumbles) Pass.

Russia: Spoiled sport.

Greece: I'll stick to Uzo as usual.

Japan: Sake, please.

America: You know what they say, guys. Wine is fine, liquor is quicker.

Ireland: Ain't that the truth.

Russia: But Vodka will make you plotza.

Greece: And Uzo makes you shout OPA !

America: Here's to another year with newfound possibilities ahead of us.

(They all toast with boots from their own countries)

Ireland: (Singing Auld Lang Sine until he passes out)

England: (looking concerned)

Scotland: Don't worry, little brother. He does this every year and suffers little for it.

Scene 9--The Finale

America: (looking at all his friends) I'd like to teach the world to sing and hang with it a while….I'd like to buy the world a Coke, and then the world would smile…

(Everyone joins in and sings and dances)

Russia; Oh, I've got a better one ! (begins singing Tuk, Tuk, Tuk and dancing)

Greece: I never knew Russia had moves like that.

Latvia/ Estonia/Lithuania: Go Russia !

Spain: Impressive, impressive.

America: Hey, I've got another one ! (Takes Italy's hand) Come on !

(Sings "Love Train")

France: Oh, I just love this one ! Perfect choice ! Unconditional love, baby !

Japan: (Sakura Wars theme playing) And thus, through the magic of song, the entire world was united in peace and harmony.

Cuba: (aside, not dancing) Yeah…right.

(Fade scene)

(Cast Bow to the 'World' version of Hetalia)