Hetalia Axis Powers Comedic Cavalcade
A/N: And now for something completely historically inaccurate. Inspired by many things I have seen either in movies, commercials or every day life comes a comedy of epic and global proportions.
Scene 1--Baseball, the All American Game
Poland: Hey, guys ! I came as soon as you called !
Italy: Me too !
Greece: Check out Japan's huge baseball field. It's bigger than some of America's.
Germany: Don't let him hear you say that. You know how he feels about having the biggest baseball fields in the world.
England: (scoffs) Baseball was my invention.
India: And through it, we gained our independence from you.
England: (chuckling) You'll never let us live that down, will you ?
India: (as tenderly as he can) Nope ! Not a bit !
America: Hey, y'all ! Are you ready to play some good ol' American baseball ?
India: (to England) Should I tell him it's actually a modified form of cricket ?
England: Don't bother. Just play along.
Italy: But I've never played baseball, America.
America; What ! Never played baseball ! That's like saying you've never had apple pie !
Italy: (looks chagrinned)
America: I have got to introduce you to some American cuisine later on after the game.
Spain: Just watch out for America's team mates. Brazil and Dominican Republic can really play a mean game of beisbol, so I have heard.
America: I'm certain it will be a fair game. I think we'll be evenly matched.
Japan: (coming out with a servant robot) Welcome to Mushashi Stadium.
Greece: Who's your friend, Japan ?
Italy: Yeah ! She's so cuuuuuuute !
Japan: This is my maid robot, Number 7. Should you have a request for any sort of cuisine or task for her to do, she'll perform it.
France: Mmm…Sounds interesting. (saunters over to Number 7 and whispers to her)
Number 7: (blushing) Sir, I cannot comply in front of all these people.
France: Perhaps later, my little crepe suzette ? (kisses fingers)
Germany: France, you sly dog.
Japan: (coughs) Anyway, let's get right to the task at hand. Baseball !
America: Yeah ! Batter up !
("Charge" plays as America's team comes in. Japan is at the plate.)
America: (hits one and starts running) It's outta here ! Oh, yeah !
Russia: And without any steroids.
Italy: What are steroids ?
Russia: (patting Italy's head) Oh, naïve Italy. Steroids are something that make your Stromboli smaller, if you get my meaning.
Italy: Oh, then I should really lay off the macaroni for a bit… Eh heh.
Dominican Republic: I'll make you eat my dust, esse !
Greece: God, he's even worse than Brazil sometimes.
Turkey: Careful what you say, America owns him.
Greece: (gets a little upset) Focus, Turkey !
Dominican Republic: (knocks it out of the park) Bravo ! Encore para mi ! (flags nose at France on the way by)
(The rest of the game is shown to 'Take me out to the ball game')
Russia: It looks like we're tied. If I get a home run, we can win the game.
Germany: You can do it.
France: We all believe in you !
Turkey: (meekly) Go…Russia !
Greece: Suck up.
Russia: (stepping up to the plate)
Brazil: I'm striking you out…Easy as taking candy from a baby. (throws ball)
Japan: Strike one.
Italy: You're still in this, Russia ! I believe in you !
America: No matter how this game turns out, we're all winners in the end.
South Korea: (nodding head) Un-huh ! Make love, not war, everyone !
(Brazil throws another ball)
Russia: (swings bat)
Canada: Hey, batter batter ! Swing !
Canada: EEP ! Scary…
Japan: Strike two.
Brazil: All to easy, amigo… (tosses third ball)
Russia: (hits it and runs bases like his life depended on it)
Germany: Ah HA ! We won ! In your FACE, Allies.
Canada: No easy victory though, huh ?
Italy: Certainly not. Hey, I'm hungry. Where's Number 7 ? I could use some pasta.
Poland: Oi, ja. I hear you there. Perogis are calling my name.
France: (under bleachers with Number 7) Je 'taime mi petite chat…
(high pitched squeal of delight)
Japan: France ! Must you deflower anything in a skirt ?
France: (comes out from under bleachers with Number 7 who also has a cigarette) I have my standards, Japan. I'm not some common satyr if that is what you are referring to. Hmmph.
Number 7: France is a better lover than any of you will ever be. (giggles)
(All the guys look rather shocked)
Japan: Number 7 ! France, have you corrupted my innocent little robot ?
France: Oh, you make me sound like some kind of fiend. I did no such thing.
Number 7: But I wouldn't mind if you did, France-sama.
France: (titters) Can I take her home with me, Japan ?
Japan: (taking Number 7's hand) No. You may not. Sorry, please forgive me.
France: (shrug) Alas, it was fun while it lasted. Now who's up for eating ?
Italy: Pizza's on me !
Germany: And once again, in his charming way, Italy saves the day. (pats Italy's head)
Scene 2--Everyone, Dance the Hora !
Israel: Welcome to summer in Israel.
Norway: (smile) It's nice here, but a bit too religious for my tastes.
Greece: Can't you just enjoy the ruins and history ?
Norway: Ja. Sure. (aside) But I don't want to ruin my rep here. Finland and Denmark respect me for being an atheist, yo !
Israel: Oy, vey. Is Norway trying to sound American again ?
Israel: God give us strength.
America: Hey ! I just got here ! Did you miss me ?
Israel: Shalom, America.
America: Shalom, Israel.
Denmark: Let's get on with it. We're here to vacation. Not to chitchat. We do plenty of that.
Finland: And nothing ever gets resolved. (sighs sadly)
Israel: Come on, come on ! We have to celebrate !
Russia: Celebrate ? (cheerily) Celebrate what ?
Israel: Our many years together as friends ! Come, let's dance the Hora !
America: Israel, you watch your mouth ! You naughty girl, you.
Greece: She means circle dancing, you oaf.
America: (laughs nervously)
Russia: (takes his hand) It's ok ! Just dance. It's fun ! Whee !
(They all dance the Hora until America becomes dizzy)
Greece: And once again America's down for the count.
America: Dude, did someone get the address of that recession ?
Scene 3--Dance Dance Revolution
Japan: (enjoying a day out in the summer sun, swimming when he spots America surfing)
America: (Singing) Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world ! Cowabunga !
America: (lands on shore easily) Wahoo !
Japan: Impressive, America-san. When did you learn how to surf ?
America: New Zealand and Australia taught me the ropes. They're the real pros.
America: So why are you spending summer here, in my country ?
Japan: (bashfully) Pretty ladies in bikinis.
France: Although he could've had beautiful women in my country that wear nothing at all, but non….Japan is still such a prude, seriously.
America: (pays France no heed)
Japan: I wanted to ask something of you two.
France: Oh really ? What's that ?
Japan: It's all in good fun.
America: The suspense is killing me. Tell me already.
Japan: A Dance Dance Revolution dance off.
France: Ooh. Quelle interesante. How 'bout it, America ?
America: Always up for a bit of friendly competition. Let's do it.
("Roses are Red" plays in the background and France shows off sexy dance moves)
America: Oh, damn it all to hell ! I can't keep up with that !
Japan: Seeing that you've lost weight, I don't see why you can't.
America: Seriously ? You believe in me ?
Japan: Sure. You're a good friend, right ?
America: (touched) Thank you, Japan. (hugs him)
Japan: N-not in front of everyone, they're staring at us.
America: What's a little friendly hug between friends, eh ?
France: Beat that, America ! Humph ! (flips hair arrogantly)
America: (dancing to 'Hamburger Street', busting out b-boy moves)
France: Tres magnifique…
America: (sweating) There, I gave it my all. Now up to you Japan.
Japan: (does the Para Para)
France: (tries not to giggle but utterly loses it)
America: Oh, dear God ! That's hysterical ! Ah, my sides ! Can't breathe !
Japan: (stops dancing and loses the challenge, sulking) But the Para Para…It's in vogue now.
France: Ah ? (stifles giggle) So you say.
Japan: (not phased one bit) As a Warrior, I still have my Samurai pride. So you Europeans can just kiss my petite behind. (slaps butt)
France: It was still impressive though. We're sorry we laughed.
America: Tomodachi ?
Japan: (looking at their smiling faces) Ah, you know I can't stay mad with the likes of you two clowns. Tomodachi ! (Hugs them)
France/America: Erm…Not while others are watching. They'll in they we're ey-gah.
Scene 4--Cuba Hears Spirits of Dead Animals
Sweden: Welcome to my dinner. I hope you enjoy your stay. (glares at America)
America: Sure. (shock) Why is…Cuba here ?
Sweden: I invited him.
America: (a little afraid) Oh, God. Give me strength.
Canada: Ooo, this mansion is so…glorious. So ginormous !
(Austria's playing Chopin in the background)
Italy: Such beautiful music. Oh, hey guys ! Glad you could make it.
Germany: When do we dine ?
Sweden: Soon enough, soon enough. Switzerland is our real guest of honor today.
It's his birthday.
Poland: Gene double everyone !
Austria: If it isn't Poland. Good to see you again !
Sweden: (clinks glass) Welcome all. Norway, thanks to his generosity has offered us a smorgasbord of foods from all nations.
Norway: Eh, it's nothing. It's what we do best. (gleams)
Italy: I can't wait ! I'm starving !
Austria: Everything looks delicious.
America: So…much…food….I'd better be careful.
France: Just stick to the salad and the lobster and you'll be fine.
America: Oh, shush, France.
France: What ! I'm only trying to be helpful.
Cuba: (hands over the lobster) I'm receiving a message from beyond.
Canada: You…ok, Cuba-san ?
Cuba: Where am I ? Where are they taking me ?! No ! I'm locked in a crate ! I can't breathe ! I can't see…My claws are tethered shut !
(Everyone looks at each other in horror)
Cuba: Now what ? No. NOOOOOOOO ! Aiiiiiiieeee….It's hot ! Boling ! (Screams and sputters desperately) (resumes normalcy) Huh ? What did I miss ?
(Everyone pushes plates aside, scene fade)
Scene 5--Italy's Odd Quirk
Switzerland: Thanks for taking me to the store, Italy.
Italy: No problem, Switzerland.
Switzerland: (turns on the radio and some rap song plays, he bobs his head)
Italy: (changes channel to Scritti Polliti)
Switzerland: Seriously ? (points gun at him) Do you want to die ? Change the channel.
Italy: Si ! Si ! Of course. (does so, jittery)
Switzerland: (irritated) Why must you drive like an old woman ?
Italy: I'm a cautious driver. You should see how Germany drives on the Autobahn ! Scary fast !
Switzerland: We're not going to make that light. Punch it, Grandma !
Italy: (slams down foot on gas pedal) AMERICA !
Switzerland; Break, break, break, break ! Ohhhhh, crap !
Italy: (Slams into store) Well, we're here aren't we ?
Switzerland: Did you say "America" when you hit the gas pedal ?
Italy: (catching breath) The whole thought of speed greatly arouses me.
Switzerland: (blank stare)
Scene 6--Irish Ballads
England: Are you always in a pub over the weekend, Ireland ?
Ireland: Yeah ? What of it ?
England: AA. Ever heard of them ?
Ireland: Har de har har, England. (getting pulled up by Scotland to sing some Irish ballads acapella with Russia) And the boys all got pink eye and were sent home from school while their Harry Potter books were burned.
England: You really do enjoy singing those ballads, don't you ?
Ireland: They're full of rich history !
Scotland: And whiskey, scotch, sex, death…
Russia: All my favorite things tied into one.
England: Oh, Lord. Not you two as well.
Russia: You don't like my singing ? (glare)
England: N-n-n-no ! You have an angelic singing voice. Let's just enjoy our afternoon in peace, shall we ?
Russia: Drink Vodka with Scotland and me, like the old days. It'll be fun !
England: (does so)
(They all sing "Whiskey in the Jar" at the end, doing some Irish jig and laughing their behinds off, scene fade)
Scene 7--Breakfast Confections
Belgium: (singing) Do you like waffles ? Yes, I like waffles ! Do I like pancakes ? Yes, I like pancakes ? Do I like French toast ? Yes, I like French toast. Doot doo doo, can't wait to get a mouthful ! (dancing)
Canada: (stopping the song in the middle of Belgium's adorable dance) You can't have breakfast pastry without (glistening and modeling like Vanna White) maple syrup.
Belgium: (reaches out)
Canada: (slaps Belgium's hand) Non ! You may not have this unless you say, "Canada's the greatest country in the world !" "Vancouver Olympics kicked butt !"
Belgium: Well, they were pretty good.
Canada: Nuh uh-uh. Say what I told you. Please.
Belgium: Canada is the greatest country in the world. Vancouver Olympics KICKED ASS ! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! (Runs around with Canadian flags)
Canada: More than what I wanted, but your offer is graciously accepted.
Belgium: (eating to an instrumental version of 'Do you like Waffles')
Canada: My GOD he eats even worse than America does. (backs away slowly)
('Halloween' by Aqua plays in the background)
France: (dressed as Inspector Closseau) Holland looks hot this year, don't you think ?
Holland: (talking to Denmark, Sweden and Norway)
German: France, you show some manners. (turns around and watches Holland shaking her rear to the song) God bless Holland.
Italy: Hey, Germany ! Whatcha think ? I'm a Luigi !
Germany: As expected, but wonderfully done.
Italy: You're a goatherd. Again ?
Germany: I like Lederhosen. So ?
Italy: It suits you, Germany.
America: Hey guys !
(Other countries freak out)
America: Why…so…serious ?
Italy: Doitsu ! Save me !
America: Am I really all that hideous as the Joker ? Come on ! I'm not all that scary.
Japan: (holds up a mirror, trembling behind it)
America: (screams like a girl, running away)
(All the other countries laugh. Scene fade)
Scene 9--Paper Pusher
Italy: (at the desk humming Italian songs)
Germany: Why must you be happy doing crappy work at a crappy job ?
Italy: It's a job, right ? I mean, look at America. America is still jobless. Poor guy.
Germany: I don't see why you're always so happy-go-lucky all the time though.
Life isn't all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.
Germany: And stop humming, it's friggin annoying !
Italy: (meekly) Sorry. (looks hurt)
Germany: (sigh) I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say what I did. I'm just having an off day.
Italy: It's alright. Don't worry. We all have days like that, even I do.
Germany: I've never seen you have one though.
Italy: Oh, I do. When you're not looking. I'll get WW II flashbacks.
Germany: (shudder) Ugh, don't remind me.
Italy: When all else fails, the dullness and repetitive nature of work stupefies the mind into mush. (tapping away on the keyboard and singing) I'm a happy little paper pusher, pushing the papers along. Ooooh, yeah !
Germany: (joins in) I'm a happy little paper pusher pushin' papers til' dawn !
Italy: Sing it, Germany !
Germany: And I'm a good l'il corporate doggie, pushin those papers along !
America: (touching England's hair) You're hair's so…soft.
England: Alberto V05 hot oil.
France: (flipping hair sexily) For the most stubborn of coifs, and the most luxurious of hair.
It completely transforms dull…
England: Into dazzling. (teeth glimmer)
Scotland: ACH ! My eyes !