IS IT PAST? ("YOU AND I")

***

Dear C. (C for coward),

Is it past? Our love. So Soon. Seems like it was one minute ago when you last told me the words you softly whisper to her right now. Lying. Pretending I was nobody to you. Wearing your mask like this, you take her hand and continue your lovey-dovey journey. As you walk her slowly, I become sick of "you and her". I distinguish the same places where you led me on the first day that "you" and "I" became "us". When we promised we would be together forever. Instead, we were together for barely one year. Or was it less than this?

Continuing to stare at "you and her", I become bitterly disgusted. Your gestures are the same as they were while you were with me.

I follow you, I approach you, but you won't see me. And I wonder if she knows about me. About what I used to call "us". You sure know how to pretend. You kiss her with such passion that it makes me wonder if "us" is such ancient history. You tell her sweet words of love with so much excitement that it makes me question my sanity.

Wasn't yesterday the day "us" became "you" and "I"? Has time compressed inside of my mind? How could you let go of our love so easily? You broke all of your promises that you so willingly made to me. All of them in a single day, that was yesterday. And then I wake up to find you with some other girl, sticking to each other so closely, as if the little part of me that was still in your heart has been completely replaced with her. My, that was fast. You switched from me to her with the speed of light, dare I say.

Seeing your candy-coated behaviour when you are with her makes me want to forget you. You're holding her hand with the same innocent sweetness you held mine. I see myself as a mirror of her. You tell her lies. Or is it the truth? Will this time really be forever? Or will you dump her the way you did with me?

I can't imagine what would hurt more, though. Having lied only to me and telling the very truth to her... or lying being a part of your very own -- original, I must admit -- personality. Indeed, if you really are a coward-type of liar, I must admit to myself that your personality must be unique. "I have never met a guy like you in my whole life," I'd like to shout ironically at the top of my lungs. But I can't do this either. You were my first love. I've, indeed, never met a boy like you... nor different from you, because you're the only one I've ever met. I can't forget you, I can't beat you. How on earth can I still love you?

So she has green eyes. So you don't like brown-eyed girls anymore. You can't look into any eyes that remind you of me anymore. It would make you feel miserable, wouldn't it? I keep fantasising. I imagine you calling her by my name. Oh, how would that be? Sweet revenge can be read on my lips right now as I think about it.

Would you, by chance, ignore your huge ego calling and come back to me with humility? What would my reaction to this be? Am I strong enough to say "no"? Of course, I would enjoy your desperation. No matter what, our love is over. I would never go back to you. Maybe I could give you a second chance, but I have my pride, you know. I have an ego, too. It's not as huge as yours, but it still exists. My pride will never forget what you've done to me -- the miserable way in which you broke up with me.

You didn't leave me a letter. You didn't call me. You told your friends cowardly that you just can't be with me anymore. I smirk, having the picture of you and your new asset in my mind. So you probably got tired of the colour of my eyes and decided that you can't face me. For all these months that I've been by your side, this is what I get. I find out that we're not a couple anymore... from your friends. And the next day I see you falling in love so quickly that I often have the feeling that this is a nightmare.

I look at you for a moment, and you look back through me. So you don't know me anymore. I'm just "past" for you, that is all I mean to you. Your "present" is her. And I bet your "future" is another girl you will meet. And the history will repeat; you will break her heart, cheat on her and replace her with that other girl.

In the end, we're nothing more, nothing less than strangers who once used to kiss and hold hands. How pathetic.

As I keep on walking, I ignore you. I have just thrown you into my past. You're not worthy of being part of my present, nor of my future. Girls like me shouldn't cry over cowards like you.

This is the last time I think about you, I promise to myself. You don't deserve being a part of me. These are my last words addressed to you.

So long and be happy.

Yours truly,

the girl that's history to you