Bloom. Orlando Bloom.
Orlando Bloom. That despicably irresistible man.
I can't say which I saw him in first—Pirates of the Caribbean or Lord of the Rings—but I can remember almost idolizing him when I was eight. Or nine. Or ten. Doesn't matter when, but he was the favorite actor of my childhood. He was positively dreamy; so dreamy, in fact, that he made the terror of Lord of the Rings worthwhile.
Those movies weren't exactly young-girl friendly, or ate least not young-me friendly, what with the orcs and the ring wraiths and Gollum. Gollum. Nothing scares me more that rather pathetic wretch. Every time my brother did his Gollum impersonation I would jump up onto the nearest furniture with a shriek. (Though, I suppose, our tattered, old Chewbacca mask scared me too).
Pirates of the Caribbean didn't scare me as much—there was just the utter lack of hygiene and the idea of Elizabeth kissing Jack Sparrow (something I shall never understand when Will and Elizabeth are so perfectly adorable together). Pirates of the Caribbean, unlike Lord of the Rings, is a movie I am constantly up for reliving, rewatching, and reenjoying. Orlando Bloom always was unbearably sexy in that movie.
And that, when I'm in a right mood is the only movie in which he is unbearably sexy. (Leave it to Orlando Bloom to only be sexy when he's covered in a layer of glistening pirate grime). Will Turner I can't resist—but I should think I could resist Legolas.
I was in love (or as enamored as a nine year old can be) with Legolas when I was little—something my brother teased me about incessantly—but now I place it on the cleanliness and the flowing golden locks that my brunette self envied. As I grew older, and the time since I last watched Lord of the Rings grew, I rationalized. Legolas simply wasn't that great looking; all he had were highly plucked eyebrows and a bad hair coloring.
So, in my utmost subconscious, I laughed and pondered why anyone should love this elf so. Someone like my middle school drama teacher.
On the first day TV production or theatre the first fact that everyone learns is that our teacher was deeply in love with—you guessed it—Orlando Bloom, more specifically Legolas (I bet it was those tights). It really is something to walk into the whitewashed walls and carpeted floors of that public school classroom to find life-size cardboard cutouts of Legolas facing you, and an eccentric sixty/seventy-something year old teacher declaring she wanted to have his babies.
But who am I to judge? The girl in love with Ron Weasley and Mr. Bingley and Edmund Pevensie? Who am I to declare what is attractive before I sit down to watch the movie for the first time in six or seven years?
And what an awful, despondent prejudice it turned out to be.
The first time I saw Legolas, Orlando Bloom, on that screen, standing up so nobly to defend Aragon in that beautiful British accent, every barrier I had putup started to crumble, and continued crumbling through the next two hours. I really am a sucker for accents. (And the bow and arrows don't hurt).
Even when Legolas comes prancing in after the final fight scene in The Fellowship of the Rings—in which he did next to nothing—coming to a stop like a male model and the perfectly sculpted pout plastered across his, my heart was putty in his gorgeous hands, as loathe as I am to admit it. It really isn't fair; I couldn't even bring myself to fully censure his lack of help in fighting the orcs.
What magical charm does Bloom possess that makes him ordinary in a photo, but extraordinary in action on the screen? (My money's on the accent).
During puberty, I realized that blonde men just didn't do it for me (though now I say this, I'll probably end up with one) and I prefer my dark-haired men and gingers. During this renewal of the Rings, I can definitely say the dark-haired Aragon has grown on me significantly since the days when Legolas cast him in the shadows. (I always wished that Arwen would end up with Legolas, because he was prettier). However, Legolas remains in my heart—despite the horrid hair.
Stupid Orlando Bloom.