Dubai (That's where hard work gets you. :D) – February 16th 2027

Dear my fourteen year old self,

It's 2010 for you; well that was quite a year.

Being your age was tough, and believe me, it doesn't get any better for awhile. I should know, I've already experienced it.

Don't worry though, university isn't that far off, and you are going. I don't care what you think, you will be going. It may not seem like it now, but education is important.

Anyhow, here are my ten top words of advice for the next few years. Please, abide by them.

1. Be nice to the boy that stalks you, yes that one. He comes into a lot of money in a few years, and it'll pay off.

2. On New Year 2012, don't be alarmed by the massive thump and the house shaking. It's not the end of the world; the dog just ran into the conservatory door because there was a cat in the back garden.

3. Stop obsessing over David Tennant. As much as you're going to be hurt by this, I have to say it. You're never going to be with him.

4. Don't try a cigarette. You're allergic to them and you don't want to spend a night in hospital with Mum yelling at you for doing it. She doesn't stop for six hours straight.

5. Don't fall in love with Mr Syms, your fourth form geography teacher. Biggest Mistake Ever. Trust me on that one. He's very nice and understanding about it though. (He's gay, so don't even hope.)

6. You may hate the idea of alcohol right now, but that soon changes. At Jack Burn's eighteenth birthday, don't drink from the jug labelled 'water'. That's a joke. It's actually vodka. And let me tell you – that night was not pretty.

7. Lay off the KitKats will you? You may not put on weight now, but you'll feel it in a couple of years. Healthy chocolate is invented in 2013 though, so you can go crazy then.

8. At the Green Day concert in 2016, camp out a few days before and be at the front of the standing area. You get wacked in the face by a random guy. Scream for all you're worth. The consequence will be one of the best things that ever happened to you.

9. Don't be upset when you go out with the boy from next door and he comes out the day after. You didn't turn him gay. He just needed to test himself to be sure.

10. And finally, the most important: Don't tell your chemistry teacher that you hate him on the last day of sixth-form. He becomes your father-in-law.

You better listen to me.

You, age 31. x

PS. Get Dad to bet his life savings on Number 23 in the Grand National next year. It comes in first with 50/1 odds.