Chapter Thirty-Seven

I moved through the next week as if moving through a thick mist. It had never been this bad. At least, not since Dylan. Dylan the first time, I mean. The second time had just been the cherry on the cake. It scared me a little, because while my past depression had been partly biological, most of it had been situational. Surely I wouldn't have sunk so deep into my funk if everything hadn't been so fucked up. At least now I wasn't dealing with my own self-esteem and an expired crack addiction.

I told Josh I couldn't go to lunch twice because I didn't think I'd be able to act normally. He'd ask questions, and I'd have to avoid them, and it would just be one big mess. I didn't want to talk about this. Not because I didn't trust Josh, or that I thought he couldn't handle it. I just didn't want to talk about it. When I opened my mouth and said "Thad is going back to Alabama," it would make it true.

However, I couldn't ignore the baby shower. I guess it wasn't so much a baby shower as it was a time for a bunch of family members to get together, give Josh baby shit, and drink wine. While babies didn't exactly thrill me, I knew there was no way of getting out of it. I'd have to go, because this was Josh's big moment. This child was going to change everything, and I had to support him.

At least Josh's family was there. They always cheered me up because they were so normal and functional. My mother came with me, because if there's one things mothers love, it's babies. She even bought a gift, probably to make up for the fact that I didn't.

"You could have bought something," Mom told me on the way to Josh's parents' house.

"Mom, Toys R' Us is like Nightmare Central. Everywhere you turn there's some piss-poor parent giving in to the temper tantrums of their little brats over some stupid Barbie doll."

"I remember when you threw a temper tantrum over a Star Wars lego set," Mom said with a small smile.

"Ugh."

"I dragged you out and put you in the car and told you we weren't going anywhere until you calmed down."

"You still bought me it."

"As a reward for calming down."

"No wonder I'm such a brat."

Mom slapped me playfully and grinned. I tried to return the smile, but I just didn't have it in me.

Josh's mom gave me a hug the moment I walked through the door, then my mother. My mom loved Josh's family just as much as I did. She too had lacked a functional family growing up. I remember one time my mother and Mrs. Moreau got a little tipsy and told each other all about their sons' coming out. That was a particularly mortifying moment.

"Where's Josh?" I asked.

"Oh, he's upstairs in his room messing around, I'm sure. Alicia, did you lose weight? You look great."

"Hush," Mom giggled. "You always say that."

I headed upstairs, taking the stairs two at a time. It was deserted, but I heard a laugh come from Josh's room. I opened his door without knocking, which was probably a bad idea.

"Fuck you, TJ!" Josh blurted, then looked up at me. He was lying on his back on the bed, head hanging down over the side. TJ was on top of him, straddling his waist, looking very comfortable. I noticed Josh's face was flushed, but that might be from his head hanging upside down over the side of his bed. A few of the buttons on his shirt were undone, and they both looked a little ruffled.

"You know, there's a whole house full of guests downstairs and you guys are making out," I said flatly.

"You don't know if that's what we're doing," Josh said with a smile. "We could be . . . uh . . . talking."

"Uh-huh."

"Way to spoil my fun, Justin. Geez." Josh struggled to get up and couldn't. TJ grabbed his arm and helped him up to a sit. TJ slipped off of Josh's lap, but he did so reluctantly. Josh smoothed out his shirt, then turned to face me.

"You decided to show up, for once." Josh tried running fingers through his hair, but that only made his hair look more messy.

"I've been busy."

"Uh-huh." Josh stood up. TJ seemed content on lounging on the bed, looking between me and Josh. I came to realize that TJ enjoyed watching our interactions more than he did joining in on them.

"Whatever."

"You bring me a gift?"

"No. My mom did."

"Some friend you are."

"I got you a card," I said half-heartedly.

"With money?"

"No."

"Look at this boy." Josh turned to TJ, motioning to me. "The nerve." He turned back to smile at me, but the smile dimmed when he stared at me for a few seconds. "Hey, something wrong?"

Trust Josh to know when I wasn't feeling too well.

"No, I'm fine." I stepped back out of the room. "You and TJ have fun. Your mother says to be downstairs in five."

*

I hated Josh.

The shower was a success, and everyone had a lot of fun. Except for me. I tried. I drank a little and wolfed down some of Mrs. Moreau's excellent cookies. I complimented Christine on her brand new neon green streaks. I let Adrien cuff me on the shoulder and laughed at one of his bad puns. I fake-punched Hayden and said hello to Sabrina. But my heart wasn't in it, and every time I was starting to feel a little better, I looked over at Josh and TJ. They weren't lovey-dovey like I usually was with my boyfriends, but there was definitely something there. One of them would make a joke and the other would laugh and return with something equally as charming, and they'd crack up together. Josh wasn't about to cuddle, but you could tell TJ was much more touchy-feely. He'd put an arm around the back of the couch behind Josh, or ruffle his hair.

It made me sick. And not the nauseous kind of sick, because it was actually cute. It made me heartsick. I needed to talk to Thad. I couldn't talk to him. And he was going to leave at the end of the month. And, because life was unexpected and guaranteed to fuck you over, he probably wasn't going to come back.

After some of the festivities had died down, Josh found me washing my hands in the kitchen.

"Hey, you alright?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Because I know you, and I know how you look when you're depressed. I've catalogued the expression ever since you . . . ya know."

"Tried to off myself."

"Yeah."

"I'm not suicidal, if that's what you think."

"I never said that. I just . . . what's wrong?"

I decided to tell Josh, only because the kitchen was empty at the moment. I told him everything, from Thad's nana finding out about us and Thad's inevitable departure to Alabama. Luckily Josh didn't try to make a joke. He knew a serious problem when he saw it. His face remained somber the whole time.

"I'm sorry, Justin," he said after I'd given him the whole story.

"Figures." I looked down at my shoes. "This shit always happens."

"Well, I—"

Mrs. Moreau popped into the kitchen at that moment. "Oh, Josh, I'm letting you know Asel and Duncan just arrived."

"What? I thought Asel said she couldn't come."

Mrs. Moreau shrugged. "Well, she's here. They're both in the living room." Then she disappeared.

"Justin, why don't we talk about this later? Sorry, I just gotta talk to—"

"It's okay. Later's fine."

We went to the living room. Duncan was bent over, talking to a hyper Hayden, who clutched two action figures. The woman I assumed to be Asel was seated quietly on the couch. She was very big around the middle, though she looked a lot like Duncan. She had straight, stylish black hair, cut just below the ear, and the same pretty features, from the almond-shaped eyes to the straight nose and full lips. She turned to Josh and me as we entered.

"Hey, Asel." Josh gasped as he saw a small dark-haired girl emerge from behind the couch. "Katya, what do you have all over your face?"

"Icing!" Katya exclaimed, holding up a half-eaten cupcake.

Duncan looked up. He nodded at Josh, then turned to me. He looked like he was about to approach, but then Hayden asked a question and he was forced to answer.

When it became apparent Josh and I weren't going to talk in the immediate future, I prepared to take off. I told Josh I'd call him, then headed for the door. Duncan stopped me right before I went out.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi."

"You alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I snapped. I hated that my mood was even apparent to an ass like Duncan.

"Just asking, geez. It's just you look . . . different."

"Don't worry about it." I looked back at the living room. "Why did Asel bring Katya?"

"She didn't. I did. I've been baby-sitting her today. Asel doesn't do much with Katya."

"Oh. How does she feel about this baby shower?"
"She's happy about it. She likes Josh. She thinks he'll be a good father." Duncan's eyes wandered to TJ, who was now seated beside Adrien, watching ESPN with a bowl of chips and a beer.

"You miss him?" I asked.

"Who?"

"Josh."

"I talk to him all the time. Why would I miss him?"

"I mean, do you miss having a relationship with him?"

Duncan shrugged. "TJ's a much better match for him. You can tell TJ really likes him. And not like I did, which was as a friend."

We were silent a moment, just watching Josh kneel down and help clean all the icing off of Katya's fingers. I took a deep breath.

"I'll see you later," I said. I stopped right before stepping outside. "Oh, and Duncan." I turned and poked a finger at his chest. "Pull that drunken molesting shit with me again and I'm going to shave your mohawk off while you sleep."

Without waiting for his reaction, I marched back to my car.

*

I snuck back to Thad's house one more time. At this point, I didn't see why I bothered. But I had to see Thad. Even if I knew it was leading to a dead end, I missed him so much. I'd dreamt of him last night, and then couldn't fall back asleep when I woke up at two a.m. I kept imagining his arms around me, his soft breath on my neck, whispering to me in that silly accent of his. I wanted him so much. I didn't care if it didn't make any sense and would only hurt me further. I had to see him.

"Back seat," I told Thad as he reached for the passenger door. He gave me an inquisitive glance, but did as I said. I slipped in on the other side.

"Justin, I—"

I didn't let him finish. With a gasp of desperation, I launched myself at him, taking his mouth with mine and practically crawling in his lap. He didn't even pause. I was even shocked by the quick response, the way he took my waist and held me closer, opening his mouth with a loud moan. I twisted him around and pressed him down against the seat, climbing into his lap and pushing my groin against his. Thad took a handful of my hair and yanked me down, his lips nearly missing mine. Instead the flat expanse of his tongue hit the corner of my open mouth before stumbling over to hit the target correctly. Holy shit, this was hot. Maybe this was what we'd been missing: a week of uncertainty and misery apart.

I lifted myself just enough so I could grab Thad under both his knees. Then I shifted him up so the heels of his shoes were against the window ledge. This gave me just enough space to settle in between the V his thighs made. As if to prove that I didn't quite have the upper hand yet, Thad reached around and took two handfuls of my ass, shoving me down against his crotch with almost enough force to hurt. I let out a loud "Mmf!" of both shock and lust.

Like, holy shit.

"Thad?" I whimpered. It wasn't really a question, but the way my voice went up in the end sure made it sound like one. I was finding it really hard to think at this point, because every time I tried to come up for a breath of air, Thad followed me, releasing one of the hands on my butt to take my head and pull me back down to his mouth. I found that if I moved my hips down, Thad would move his hips up, and it was like how fucking angels frotted, I swear to fucking God. That didn't even make any fucking sense and fuuuck. You get to a point when you're so focused on moving your hips that you forget how to kiss, so you basically end up just slobbering all over the lower part of that person's face, which was what was happening at the moment. I didn't care. I think I was talking too. Was I? It wasn't really speech. It was kind of like I was attempting to prounounce what I wrote after slamming my head repeatedly against my computer keyboard.

Thad was pulling off my sleeveless shirt the wrong way, pushing it down my arms so that it pooled around my waist. I was glad, though, because there was no way I was taking the time to pull it off my head. It would be a good idea to actually unzip the pants and use our hands instead of humping each other like morons. But that would mean upsetting the rhythm, and the rhythm was pretty damn fine. Fucking damn fine.

I came way too early but didn't really care enough to be embarrassed. Thad came shortly after. I collapsed on top of him, breathing heavily through my mouth as I shoved my face into his shoulder. I realized my lips were pressed against bare skin. I had, at some point, pushed his shirt all the way up to his armpits. I didn't remember doing that.

"Well," I gasped. "Hello to you too."

Thad chuckled.

I lifted my heavy head and looked at Thad. His glasses were gone, lost at some point during the fray. His lips and the skin around were puffy and red, as well as slightly wet with saliva. His whole face was flushed, and his hair was curled slightly with sweat. I couldn't help but get a little turned on. I slid up and kissed him with the same passion from before, except with less drool.

"Thad," I whispered, pulling back. "Thad, when are you leaving?"

"June second," he said softly. "A week."

I whined in my throat and dropped my head into the curve of his neck. "I love you."

Thad struggled to sit up. I sat up so he could. He pulled his heels off the window ledge and lowered them to the seat. I didn't get off his lap. My lust was renewed as he glanced around looking for his glasses. I wanted him so badly. He couldn't possibly understand how much. When he twisted back around, glasses in hand, I pressed another open-mouthed kiss to his lips.

"Justin—"

"We don't have much time," I gasped against his mouth. "Thad. Baby." Each word was punctuated by another kiss. "Can you please fuck me? Please?"

"Jus—"

I didn't let him answer. I kept kissing him. He didn't seem to know what to do, push me away or let me continue. He seemed to lose some of his resolve as I continued, and circled his arms around me. I let go of him just long enough to tear my shirt from my torso. I pulled out the condom that I'd stored in my back pocket. Then I lifted myself up onto my knees and worked at undoing my pants.

"Wait." Thad's hands covered mine.

"What?" I asked. Then I smirked. "Want it the other way around?"

Thad looked up at me imploringly. That wasn't a lusty gaze. That was a "let's talk about this" gaze. I didn't like it.

"You don't believe that I'm telling the truth," Thad whispered.

"Huh?"

"I told you. I'm going to come back for college. I promised that."

I sighed and sat back down on my butt. "I'm being realistic, Thad. That's all. Shit comes up. You shouldn't make promises like that."

"I have been waitin' for college my whole life. College is more important to me than anythin' else. And God strike me down if I'm gonna go to a college I dun want." He clutched both of my hands in his. "I'm comin' back. You gotta believe me, Justin."

"What does this have to do with sex?"

"Everythin'." He pulled the condom from my hand and glanced at it. "I'm keepin' this."

"What are you—?"

"I'm gonna show you how serious I am 'bout this, Justin." He pushed the condom into his pajama pants pocket. "We're gonna have sex the moment I get back."

"What." This wasn't funny.

"I'm serious."

"Thad, what does the condom have to do with it? Don't use a condom any older than a few months."

"I'm keepin' it as a reminder."

"You can't be serious, Thad. Come on. It's not fair, and you know it. Even if you do come back, that's a year and three months. Do you really want to wait that—"

"If it means you believin' me 'bout comin' back, yeah. It is really worth it."

"What makes you think that holding out on me will make me believe you?"

Thad pressed his lips against my collarbone, then pulled back. "Cuz I really, really, really want to make love to you."

I believed him. I don't know why, but the look in his eyes at that moment convinced me that he was telling the truth. It was still bullshit though. I'd waited long enough. I couldn't wait a year and three months for him. Okay, I could, but I definitely didn't want to. He was right here, looking so fuckable, his glasses askew, his shirt wrinkled, a small tent returning to his pants. I bit my thumb.

"You're so full of shit," I told him.

Thad smiled. "Trust me."

"Thad . . ." I slumped. "Thad, please don't do this. Come on. For once, stop thinking so much about what would be special or whatever and let's just do what we want. I—I really want you. Like, what we just did. Was that hot or what?"

"Imagine what it'll be like after a year and three months."

"No. No, I won't. I fucking won't. Thad, you fuck me right now or I—I—I'm giving you back that afghan you made me."

"Justin, if you believed me—"

"—I'd still be pissed! A year and three months? Holy shit."

"Justin, I ain't sayin' you need to . . ." He took a deep breath. "I gotta be honest. I dun think . . . well, I won't be able to call you much when I get to Alabama. Nana's gonna be monitoring all my phone and internet use. She's gotten rid of my cellphone for good. As far as I know, I'm grounded til I graduate. Which means we ain't gonna get to talk to each other. Or anythin'. I dun think . . . I dun think we can stay together when we can't even talk. I mean, I'll definitely stay loyal to ya, since I ain't really interested in anyone else." His face saddened. "But I know you, and I know you won't be able to go a year and three months abstinent and loyal to me."

"Thad, please don't—"

"I'm serious. I dun expect you to do that. I dun want you to do that. I ain't gonna expect you to—to stay loyal to me." He took a deep, shaky breath. "But I do want ya to believe in me, and wait for me." He grabbed my hands. "Believe me when I tell you I'm comin' back. If you find some perfect guy you fall in love with while I'm gone . . ." He closed his eyes a moment, as if in pain, " . . . then I'll understand. But if you think you can wait long enough for me, I'm still gonna want you when you come back, and I'm still gonna love you just as much as I do right now. This whole sex thing is my promise to you. Okay? You understand?" He reached up and slipped a hand through my curls.

"Yeah," I whispered. "But I just—I just want you so much now . . ."

"I dun want the last thing between us to be the one thin' you can get from any other man in this city." He picked up my hand and kissed my palm. "I want the last thing between us to be somethin' unique."

"I can't get Thad sex from any other man in this city," I said.

"You just ain't gonna give it up, are you?"

"Of course I'm not! I love you. I don't know about you, but I make fierce love to the men I adore. That's how I prove myself. That's how I fall deeper in love. You use words. I use body language. It's like . . . it's like letting you leave without proving to you how much I love you. It's as if you said 'I love you' and I just said nothing. I can't let you leave without proving that to you."

"You dun need to prove anythin' though. I'd love you just as much like this as I would if we had sex."

"Still, Thad. Still."

Thad shifted, then took my head in his hands. "Justin, I dun need anythin' from you right now. I'm gonna wait as long as it takes, but I'll come lookin' for you. Even if I have to hijack a plane or ride a bike, I'm comin' back."

I looked away. A year and three months without Thad sounded so impossible. I'd been counting on some memories of us making love to tide me over. But now that wasn't going to happen, and Thad was telling me to fuck other men while he was gone. Did he even realize the guilt that came along with that? Would he want me to tell him the details? I just couldn't not tell him when—if—he came back. He'd said before that he didn't like the idea of sharing me. I didn't like the idea of fucking a guy while being in love with someone else. I also didn't like the idea of waiting a year and three months for Thad to come back. I trusted Thad, but promises weren't concrete. They could be ripped apart with a single event. What if his nana died? What if she convinced him that being gay was bad? What if he ended up visiting a campus in Alabama and falling in love with it? What if he found someone else, a smart funny girl like Sam?

I just didn't know.

Thad slipped his arms around me and hugged me, pressing his face tightly against my collarbone. I sighed and rested my cheek on top of his head. My chest tightened, and tears rose in my eyes. I was going to lose him, except that this time it was my fault. If I'd just let Thad find some girl his age, someone his nana would approve of, he'd get to stay in California and pay in-state tuition, which was half that of out-of-state tuition. He wouldn't have to worry about being too smart for me, too prudey, too nerdy. But I had to have him. I should have just let him go. I should have just let him go when it was just a stupid crush, instead of full-blown infatuation. I could have just dated Duncan, someone like me, someone broken and carrying too much baggage. Someone who would fuck me and ignore our relationship's problems. Someone who would fail.

I was good at failure.

I walked Thad back to his window. I helped him slip inside before he turned around and kissed me, taking my head in both hands as if holding a life raft. Every time one of us paused to pull back, the other would lean closer, trying desperately to stretch each minute longer. Don't leave now. Not yet. Just one more second. One more moment, and I'll leave. One last breath. One last kiss. One last I love you, and I swear I'll be ready to go away.

"Happy twenty-fifth birthday," he whispered.

"It's still four days away," I replied.

"In case I don't have any other chance to tell you."

We stared at each other for a few seconds. I waited for him to start crying, but it was me who started instead. Thad kissed each one, pulling me as close as he could, considering he was leaning out the window.

"I promise," he said.

I couldn't say anything but, "I love you."

"I love you too." Finally he pulled back, sliding his glasses back down onto his nose. "I'll be back."

Even after all his reassurances, I didn't believe him. Maybe I wanted to, and maybe I attempted to force myself to believe him. But deep, deep inside, I didn't. It was that part of me that had already prepared itself for heartbreak. After all the men in my life, after Jake, my first boyfriend, and after Dylan, my first love, I realized that whenever problems arose, it was best to just step away. The more invested you made yourself, the more it hurt when it all came crashing down. Just walk away now, and save yourself.

So that's what I did.

I walked away.

End of Part 2

A/N: Check back in a week or so for the next part. :) Or you can author alert me. Whatever is easiest for you. But make SURE TO GO TO THE NEXT PART FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. THIS IS NOT THE END. I don't want a thousand messages complaining about this being the ending when it's not. :/ Puh-leez. I love happy endings in my angsty soap opera slash. XD And I PROMISE the ending will be happy and Thad-filled. So don't be angry, puhwease. *pouts * Part 3 will not be a year later. It will immediately follow this part, because I think Justin needs some time to really figure himself out. Thad too. There will be drama, so you'd better be ready for it. XD

Also, what should our Emo Cowboy be called for the third part? He's already been Nerdy and Frustrated. I'm thinking Conflicted perhaps? Troubled? Feel free to leave suggestions. :D

So many reviews! Thank you all so much. ^^ You all wonder why I write drama: probably because I get the most reviews when I make everyone miserable. ;)

Replies to unsigned reviews:

kristen: I apologize. :( I promise there will be definite JustinXThad goodness in the future. I guess all you can do is be patient and hopefully enjoy the third part?

Leanna: Now, people seem to think that because I'm not from the South, I have no right to criticize and that it "really isn't that bad of a place" (says people who do not live there either). But everyone I talk to who is from there actually hates it. XD I'm not saying it's wrong for everyone, and I'm not denying that it's a friendlier and slower lifestyle, but for those of us who crave acceptance and progress, it's not right for us. And this is why it's not right for Thad, and definitely not for Justin. I'm sorry your relatives are all so racist. DX I can't imagine how much that has to suck (luckily my family is pretty open-minded, and don't get me started on how much my mother loves Mexicans. XD). Good luck with college and your family. :)

BTW, I may not live in the South, but western PA is very conservative as well (outside of Pittsburgh, at least). My hometown consisted either of old people, relatives of billionaires, or rednecks. Anyone dark-skinned or non-Christian is often treated with hositility. I had to deal with ignorance and close-mindedness every day in high school, so I know Thad's frustration.

Kip: I promise the ending will be happy (and yes, Thad will be there). :( So don't get too sad. It can only get better from here.

Anonymous: Oh yes, there is a happy ending. :) I love happy endings, at least ones that aren't HORRIBLY cheesy. XD OOOOOOH yeah, you can bet that Duncan's going to be all over this. DX Though Justin's self-control has impressed me thus far. :D

pinkywink: Thad's nana is a paranoid one, that's for sure. XD I think her overbearing nature is driven more by her fear of "losing" him than anything else, though of course her behavior is counterproductive, since this just makes him want to leave more. XD But you know, a person's behavior doesn't always have to make sense . . .

You know, I could have ended this story much easier, but you're right: ending this story would make me very sad. XD I kind of want to take it further, just to stay with Justin and the gang a little bit longer.

Thank you for the review! ^_^