I only want my mind to be clear…I fantasize about my death…my suicidal dream…stop me from what I'm feeling now…my suicidal dream, voices telling me what I need to do…
December 19th 2006
An intense hunger rips through my entire body. I don't think the whole sensation is just a matter of hunger for food though. Although I'm sure that's part of it, especially considering that I vomited back up most of what I ate for dinner.
I think I'm hungry for something else too though, something I can't quite put my finger on.
It's Chanukah, the fifth night. I just came back this afternoon form the residential treatment program that I currently live at. I'm not really sure anymore, how I feel about living there.
A few months ago, if you asked me how I liked it, I would have said I hated it and wish I could live at home again forever. The thing is though, now, part of me likes it there. It's weird, I've been feeling really pressured and stressed lately and that makes me scared to want to be home. If I think about it though, I'm kind of always feeling pressured and stressed.
I found out today that my finger's broken. In a strange way that makes me feel really satisfied. I like having physical injuries. I guess it's because I'm tired of all my illnesses and injuries being inside where no can see them. People don't understand mental illness the same way they understand physical illness. It's nice to have some external proof that something's wrong. I like having a splint attached to make finger, I can wave it in people's faces and say, "see, I'm hurting and it's valid!"
December 20th 2006
I'm going back to the Sterling Center today. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess I just feel mixed.
I remember at the hospital I was at before I came to the Center we used to have these morning, 'community meetings'. At the meetings we would go around and each kid would have to say how we felt emotionally that morning. A lot of times the other kids would cop out of having to identify an emotion, by just stating that they felt, "mixed".
Feelings of sadness are washing over me right now. Anxiety is lapping at my feet. The lights in here are really bright doctor's office lights and they're making me feel kind of lightheaded and dizzy. Bright lights seem to do that to me a lot lately.
Right now I'm with my mom at the orthodontist's office. I had my appointment this morning, and now we're back for Tom's first appointment. It sometimes seems that Tom's developmentally and physically catching up to me really fast. That thought doesn't make me as sad as it probably should.
I want to be a little kid still. I want to be a little kid forever.
I'm so happy that today, when I went to Friendly's with Cora, they gave me a kid's menu and crayons. It's funny I'm actually the same age as Cora, but I look much younger. Even my face looks younger. I've practiced in front of the mirror, making me smile increase the babyish look of my face.
We're still waiting for Tom to get called in. I'm getting nervous that I'm going to be really late for the holiday party back at the Sterling Center. I want to be a little late, but not so late that the whole thing is over when we get there.
While I sit in the waiting room, I play a game. I try to guess the age, clothing size, and weight of the people in the waiting room. I look at the girl next to me. I hope she's heavier and bigger than me, but younger.
I'm a little obsessive and crazy, I know. I'm feeling kind of fat right now, but I feel that way a lot, plus I'm having my period right now. I bled all over my sheet last night, I hope no one noticed.
I really want to lie down right now and just rest. I think it's the bright lights in the office, that are making me feel so awful. Part of me wants to ask my mom for a PRN (as needed dose of medication), but then she'll have to tell the staff that I took one and they'll know that I don't always feel perfectly fine after a home visit.
I don't know which staff will be at the holiday party, probably all of them. I wish Penny wasn't going to be there though. I really don't like Penny. She makes me nervous.
The other night Penny lectured at me harshly just because I had a difficult time on the car ride back from activity. Later Penny apologized for being so harsh with me because she, "didn't realize how distressed you were."
Later Penny was talking to Ally and Eva in the hall outside my room, and I couldn't catch all their words. I don't know what they were getting at, but I think they were discussing their interpretation of what happened with me. I'm scared and nervous that they think badly of me because I had a hard time.
I feel huge all of the sudden. My mom asked me to take Tom to get a hot chocolate, earlier today, I told her I didn't want to though, because I couldn't trust myself to be safe and not hurt myself. I'm feeling even worse now, it's like a whirlwind is rising up from within me.
December 21st 2006
My glasses broke this morning and after many diligent attempts and work, Becky (the morning staff) wired the glasses back together with a piece or two of wire. After my appointment with the orthopedic surgeon who needs to look at my finger, we're going to the glasses store so they can fix my glasses.
I'm hoping really badly that the break in my finger is so bad that I need surgery instead of just the splint.
December 22nd 2006
I got a new splint, and it's wonderfully, my finger looks, and is, undeniably broken. I love it. I like that there's something completely and obviously physically wrong with me, I'm getting sympathy and everything.
Of course it's not nearly as bad as being physically and sexually abused, having horrible mood swing, smothering depression, suicidal impulses, hearing voices, seeing things that aren't there, being terrified or anxious all of the time, and having an eating disorder, but other people understand the pain better.
Personally I'd rather have a broken leg, or even a broken hip. Other people don't seem to understand that though.
I'm scared to share with Aliza (my therapist) all of my internal musings, because I don't want her to realize how clearly and maturely I think. She might start treating me differently and I'm terrified of change.