I was left to cry there, waiting outside there, grinning with the lost stare, that's when I decided, why should I care, cause you weren't there when I was scared, I was so aloneā€¦

October 18th 2007

9:44 AM

I have to pee really badly from the medium hazelnut iced coffee that I drank, but I'm stuck on the bus. I wrote a poem for a contest on a poetry website. I wrote it in my favorite coffee shop. I like it because of its good coffee and multiple outlets for plugging my laptop into. I forgot to charge my cell phone though.

I have calm feelings about this morning, despite the anger in the poem I wrote. The poem was about Aliza and how much she helped me, but then how much I hurt because she left me. She was supposed to come back from vacation this week, but she's sick. I want to be able to see her before I leave forever. I want to see her so badly that I hurt.

October 22nd 2007

It's so easy to make mistakes. It's so easy to one day end up making a big mistake that takes minutes to occur, but then messes up the rest of your life.

I almost made that kind of mistake last night while I was on the roof of the boy's three story house. If I had jumped, I might have ended my life, or I might have paralyzed myself, or I might not have actually gotten physically hurt but instead deemed too mentally unstable to live at home.

I could have screwed up everything everyone, including myself, has been working for this past year and four months.

As of today it's been exactly a year and four months since I arrived at the Sterling Center.

I could have screwed up all the plans with one single moment, with one single jump from the roof of a three story house.

I ponder this as I sit on the bus on the way to my community college. No one around me knows. It's just like another ordinary day to them. "Business as usual" is the way that Eva phrased it.

I had a little stint on the roof, an ambulance ride, and an ER visit, and it's like nothing ever happened. It's like I wasn't even close to dying.

The nurse in the ER thought I looked really young. That made me happy. I love how in my head I'm constantly jumping around from topic to topic.

Last night was scary. I didn't want to go on that roof. I didn't want to let the voices in my head that no one else can here, dictate my actions, but I was scared and sometimes I do think that dying is better than being sucked in to an alternate reality.

The leaves on the trees are all different shades of colors. It's fall, the season for change. Change is coming too. Big changes.

October 25th 2007

9:45 AM

With every sip of iced coffee that I take, I feel more like pouring into me. Soon I am so far from the trapped, scared, and inhibited person that I was last night. Soon I am able to strike up a conversation with the person sitting next to me at the bus stop.

Last night I was so stuck inside myself that I couldn't even verbalize my feelings to staff and the other kids at my program that I've known for such a long time. Today, with caffeinated goodness swirling through my veins I am bubbly and eager and sociable enough to talk to a complete stranger. It's odd, but that's me. I'm odd.

Wednesday's my last day at the Sterling Center. What a scary thought. I think I'm more scared than excited about leaving. I guess somehow, in my mind, I equate leaving the Sterling Center with leaving my childhood behind. I don't know where that idea came from, but it's there.

I finally get to meet with Aliza again, after weeks of not seeing her. At 4:00 PM today we have an appointment. I feel like it will be weird seeing her again and I don't quite know what to expect from her anymore. The last time I saw her was that day at the park, the day I almost died. I'm scared and feel like that day might have somehow damaged our relationship. I'm scared but looking forward to seeing her both at the same time.

October 26th 2007

9:34 AM

I finally met with Aliza again. It was weird, I was nervous and didn't quite know what to talk about because our whole relationship changed since I started seeing Annie as my new therapist. I can still call Aliza for phone coaching until I officially am discharged from the program, so that's good. I plan on using her if I need to this weekend.

I talked a little bit about what happened that day that I overdosed in the park. Aliza said that she was really scared. What she described happening on her end really did sound like it would be a scary situation. She went back to her office and called the hospital. She couldn't get them to tell her much though. All they said was that they couldn't give her details, but it was very serious and they were moving me to the ICU immediately.

Then Aliza was all alone at the center (everyone else was at the park) with no one to talk to about what was going on and she had to call my mom and tell her how sick I was and how I took all those Aspirins.

She felt better after my mom was able to talk to me briefly while I was still in the ER, but for awhile there she was just sitting alone in her office feeling scared and sad for me and not knowing what was going to happen.

It hurts when I have to think that I did that to Aliza who I really love, care about, and feel strongly about, but it's good to know that she's okay now and not angry with me.

I wish I could talk to her about what happened on Monday night, but I guess I'm supposed to talk to Annie about that. When I talked to Annie on the phone for coaching, she made it really clear that we could only do skills coaching on the phone and that talking about Monday night would have to wait until next Monday's therapy session.

It's all bottle up inside of me right now though and I don't want to start foaming over and exploding everywhere. Therapists and writers both always use similes and metaphors and I do it too. I guess that means that I'd be good at either job.

It's weird that I 'm going to the community college on Friday when I don't have a class scheduled, but I have to go to finish up my pottery project for my ceramics class.

My hands are starting to get tired and cramp up from writing. This is why I always prefer to write on a laptop. Oh well, I should be at the college soon. I remember my old therapist always used to tell me that I'd have an easier time in college. I think she was right.

The amount of therapists and therapy I've gone through in my life so far, is pretty high. It's kind of funny, but I have to say out of all my therapists so far, Aliza's been my favorite. In therapy yesterday we talked about how we've had a really deep, intense, and authentic relationship and it's meant a lot to me.

I wonder if I'll develop that kind of relationship with Annie. I have a feeling I will. Aliza pointed out that she knows that since I was able to develop that kind of relationship with her, then I have the capability to develop a similar relationship with other people. Still, Aliza was really special as a person and as a therapist.

October 29th 2007

12:17 PM

As I walk around on the streets downtown, my light-up sneakers make me smile. There was this guy on the bus whose voice sounded so much like Sam D's. I kept looking up to check if it was really him on the bus. I wonder how I'd react if I realized that it really was Sam D. I'm going to miss him when I leave even though the way he insisted on being right drove me crazy sometimes.

Sam D genuinely cared (cares) about me though and I recognized that. I'm not really going to miss Penny or even Ken, but I'll really miss Sam D, Eva, and Ashley (even though I didn't really know Ashley as well as the latter two staff. I think I'll write good-bye letters to the staff.

October 30th 2007

9:32 AM

I hug Snuggly, my teddy bear to my chest. Yes, I took him out of my backpack. I felt bad keeping him all cramped up in there and I though he needed to warm up under my jacket, and against my body in a hug. Besides, there's no Sterling Center staff around to tell me that I can't have him out in public. They won't have any more say in my life after tomorrow. If I think about that, it's kind of sad, scary, and thrilling, and freeing all at the same time.

Yesterday in therapy with Annie, we talked a lot about letting my anger out instead of ignoring it and not acknowledging it until it turns into self-hatred and comes out in the form of voices no one else can hear.

I am angry at a lot of things if I think about it. I'm angry at staff at the Sterling Center for not understanding everything. Actually I'm angry at most people for not understanding me better. I'm angry at Aliza for thinking she knows more about me than she does. Yeah. I'm angry. I'm angry at everyone who tries to push me to grow up faster than I'm ready to. I'm actually angry at most of the world.