I just wanted to be like Sid Vicious; I swear that's all I wanted.
The gelled up hair, the tough-guy attitude, and that crazy sneer were all I ever wanted. I needed to be just like him, from his appearance all the way to his crazy core to establish myself in this world. To make people notice me the way they noticed him. That's all I wanted.
But now I'm lost. I can't find myself underneath all the grit and grime I built up over myself to become him. I don't know who I am anymore and I can't see a way out of this heroin-induced nightmare.
I don't have any friends because Sid didn't either; just a brod who was as self-destructive as him, and I don't even have that. I'm alone down here and all I want now is to get out.
But I can't. I'm trapped; the tourniquets I used around my arms have me tied down, forcing those needles into my arm and injecting that fatal drug back into my system the minute I think I'm clean.
I don't want to be Sid Vicious anymore; I want to be me. I want to live past my 21st birthday and experience all those things he didn't have time to.
So what's stopping me?
I feel possessed. I'm so far gone there's not a trace of who I was left. It's as if I'm hollow, and I'm filling in the gaps of my being with whatever remains of his soul. He's living through me, trying to use my boy to relive the life he destroyed.
Step off, Sid; this is my life, and I refuse to let you dictate how I use it anymore. I saw greatness in you, and I idolized you to the point of no return, but now I see how you really are, and I don't want to be that. You were pathetic, stupid, and too strung out to even realize what was going with the people around you, and I can't bear it any longer.
It got so bad for you that you went so far as to kill the one you loved the most, and couldn't even remember doing it. I can't be like that. I refuse to be that. I refuse to be you, Sid, even if that is what I wanted at one point in time.
I'll get through this, even if the outcome looks bleak right now. I won't be the next Sid Vicious.