White Sparrows

Be the one to stand out. Freak is just a meaner word for unique.

But I'm too proud; to show my pain, too shy to cry your name. I watch you walk away from me, wishing I'd call you back. You were the only one who could save me. But you left me all alone. Broken and rotten, you walk away and tears fall. Love is the slowest form of suicide.

I use to love myself. Every day was a battle that I felt proud to survive. But today my world fell apart. Today I don't want to go on. Today sadness and nothingness filled me. Today he left me; breaking my heart, taking my soul and leaving me with hate filled words.

Writing my words from my heart on paper knowing they might be ripped. Knowing my words may not be enough and my world might end but I take this last chance for love.

It's been days now. Nothing seems to be going right. My family is falling apart centered on my aunt and my brother. This sadness fills me to the brim and doesn't seem to leave. I may be laughing but inside hides turmoil and chaos.

I laugh even though I want to cry. I smiling but on the inside I'm dying. The empty eyes that see too much even though they don't want to. Flames dance in the shadows of my shattered heart. I hold broken pieces close, cutting my skin. I bleed. In the moment I forget my pain.

They are getting divorced. My grandfather is dead. My grandmother dying. My brother hides in drugs. My uncle could really care less. My aunt is a worthless pest. And our family is breaking. I hide the pain for them hoping, begging it'll help. But we break more until we are barely held together and I find comfort, happiness and love in the blade.

I think I'll draw a picture, a picture with a twist. I think I'll use a razor blade, I think I'll use my wrist.

Today I broke again. They found the cuts. I sat for hours as the ridiculed me, screamed, taunted, glared and make me the bad guy. I feel the last bits of my heart break even now as I sit in my room. I build a wall around me, blocking them from my life.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it's sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early.

School started again and everywhere I go he is there. Smiling, laughing, like nothing changed. But my whole worlds changed. My walls crumble as he hugs her. Tears fill my eyes, I choke back a sob. He sees me and smiles brightly at the once bubbly girl now decked out in black, surrounded by pain. I run -tears stain my face, pain pulses through my veins. I need my escape, I need my blade.

I'm alone in the cold world. Lovely thoughts haunt me. I seek refuge in pain. Stuck in my mind, I listen to myself scream. I drive myself crazy with thoughts of suicide.

My walls fall and anyone who wants to see past them can. Those who don't can't. No one sees past them.

Today's the day. I'm running away and I'll never return. These will not be my last words but this is last time anyone may see me alive. Take a good look 'cause this is what you've done to me. Your words are carved into my skin, burned your perfect daughter into my skin. And you've broken me. This will be the last time I let you break me.

I feel sadness seep into the page. My words are filled with anguish and it hides the pain. Barely living in my fake world reality seems too hard. Filled with self-loathe I hate the broken girl in the mirror wishing she wasn't me.

I'm sitting in my room writing on the walls. This will be the last time I shall write. I'll make my words count and hope they last forever.

Dear Ashley,

There once was a time when I idolized you. I wanted to be just like you. You were this amazing person who helped me get past many things. But as I grew older you changed, you become short tempered and snapped at everything. You criticized me and ridiculed everything I did.

I still love you but you aren't my idol.

I remember the first time I stopped loving her. I just realized my brother smoked weed and all three of us were sitting in Ashley's room. Ashley's like you got any, turning to look at my brother he nods his head. They look at me and say they're going to McDonalds and they would be right back.

The time they left was 10. They didn't get back until 12 they didn't reek of weed. But as I got up to leave I saw the bandage on my brother's arm, turning to look at Ashley- she had one too. What they were doing was much worst the weed.

Dear John,

I know you need drugsto numb the pain. It helps and you were one of the ones who understood why I did what I did. You felt it too, the sadness that only self harm can fix. You need to understand that you have so much in front of you and you need to live on. Mom and dad could never live with themselves (or each other) if we both died. I know you need me as much as I used to need you but you have a life out there. Outside of this family you need to find someone who will need you like I use to need you. Stay strong my brick wall. Love you always.

My brother was my world but what can you do when your parents fight each other. My grandfather held this messed up family together and when he left he took our sanity with him.

Dear Nan,

You are an amazing person and I know no matter what you say about our crazy family and grandpa, that you love us and him. You and I have a lot in common and I'm glad I found someone with many different interests too. I love you very much and you shall be seeing me with grandpa, soon but not too soon.

I don't want to leave my family but I feel like I must. Like there is no other way. Writing was my escape before "it" happened. It still is it builds a world where everything is bent to my liking no one else's. It's just my slice of heaven.

Dear Charles,

You are one of the best uncles. You've bought me very expense gifts and loved me. But you are so wrapped up in your little world; you didn't even come to grandpa's funeral. We all loved him you weren't the only one. But I still love you because you are my blood. And you are amazing no matter what.

I stand back and look at my last piece, the second last thing that they'll remember. Downing the last of my whiskey, the room tipped dangerously. I jumped from the step stool landing cautiously. The room spun quickly and I fell to the bed.

Dear mom and dad,

I love you guys. It's tearing me and everyone else apart to watch you guys fight. There use to be so much love in our family. I hope you guys understand why I did this and it's not your fault it was just my time to go. I love you and always will please don't forget.

I lay on my back holding the blade in my hand. I felt the pain run through my vein. Tears ran down my face from physical, emotionally, and mental pain. And then I felt nothing.

Dear Damien,

I love you and I can see it in your eyes that you love me too. The passion we felt it's still there and I know you miss it. You gave it all away for her. At the time you had broken me but now this isn't for you. This is because I'm no longer needed in this world these are my last words. And I saved them for you. I love you and life shall go on no matter what. You shall love again and I'll miss you just as you will miss me. Until we meet again.

I love this world and myself let this be the last thing you shall know.

The door was thrown open and a tall blonde woman ran into a room. There was blood running down the walls and a girl lay dormant on the bed. She was tucked into the bed with her brown hair splayed across her pillow and she looked as if she was sleeping.

The blonde woman threw herself at the girl sobbing loudly as a tall blonde man stood in the doorway, reading the walls.

"Oh, no! Not my baby. Not my baby! Elitz please don't leave us. Elitz!" The women sobbed as she pulled the girl from the bed.

The door was swarmed and blondes poured into the room. The swarm of blondes surrounded the dead girl with brown hair cover in blood. They each read their letters and sobbed over Elitz. At the door a teenage boy with black hair and blue eyes stood by the door. In his hand he held his letter and scanned the walls again. You will stay in my heart and mind forever. But I'll let you go.

He turned from the room not hearing the others call his name.

Her voice resounded through his head, "I love you, Damien. But if I ever leave you let me go."

The room's walls flashed through his mind and he smiled to himself.

This is love and for you I died from it.

"And for it, I will let you go," he mumbled under his breath.

The End