Scientists agree that climate change theory is "heresy"
Tree-hugging, pot-smoking slackers, or "scientist", as they call themselves, have long argued that Earth's temperature has been slowly rising over the past century due to human actions. However, we may see a change in this, as leading "ecologist" Richard B. Hines experienced a revelation that caused him to question for the first time the dogma imposed on him by his fellow slackers.
One Blowfish reporter was able to infiltrate their hidden compound in the misty jungles of Borneo by disguising himself as one of these so-called "scientists". After a series of wacky and occasionally heartwarming hijinks involving a puma and a pair of beach balls, our reporter was able to secure an interview. Speaking from a totally neutral scientific perspective, Hines said, "So I used to think that heightened levels of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases released by human activity trapped energy from the sun in the atmosphere, thus incrementally increasing the planet's overall temperature while causing the weather to become more chaotic and damaging on a global scale. Then I went to church and learned in a sudden epiphany that God hates science. I've been trying to convince my slacker colleagues that God hates them as well, and it's been going pretty well so far."
Based on preliminary reports consisting of random internet-based polls and a magic 8-ball, it seems Hines is correct, both about his effort to convince "scientists" that global warming doesn't exist and that God hates science. One of these internet polls was actually relevant, and was directed toward the general population of self-proclaimed "scientists". The result: 80% agreed with the statement, "Global warming is heresy and anybody who believes it will burn in hell." We don't talk about the remaining 25%.
Oh, and as for how we know that Hines has managed to convince all of those so-called "scientists" that God hates them? God told us so. Easy-peasy, right?