God's Publicity Team Gives Advice

Simon Diamond Cramer

"Religion is dying in the cell phone

generation," I hear our red-faced

elders moan, and blame it on our

ADHD Net-crazed video-game

culture. Sure, electronics are corrupting

our souls just as rock and/or roll

corrupted theirs, but it's not like

they'll apply the Twelve-Step

Program to the Internet.
No, the real issue? God needs

to take a bit of time off lording

over the cosmos and head on over

to business school to get his degree

in marketing. Think Vatican II,

but before the Church decided

that the tried-and-true capitalist

pig-dog idea of knowing your

audience wasn't exactly gospel

material. So come on? I'm ready,

waiting for the for the future of

religion! Waiting for TorahChan,

for Nirvana Dot Net, for Ultimate

Gospel Fighter II: Nihil Obstat Extreme

where Jesus combos Moses using

a giant cross as a bludgeon. It's just

technology, after all, and we can't

expect any major religions to pick

up on its existence until at least

fifteen years after the fact.