I woke up this morning, after torrential dreams, and I feel worse than yesterday. I guess it's not going away yet.
October 2nd, 2010
So here we are, now.
She's brought me to the very bottom,
And locked the cellar door.
I'm no longer in the midst of falling,
And it's no longer faint in the back of my mind.
It's strong and I have no one to go to.
Who could understand this creature?
Who could really know?
I feel as if I've landed in quicksand,
And the longer I dwell here,
The deeper and deeper I sink.
And this can't be real.
It just can't.
Why me? Why would this make sense?
It's not supposed to be real,
It shouldn't be.
Why am I the one that's helpless?
I thought I could hold up against this oncoming storm,
Thought I could be strong and never let her, it take me down.
Maybe there's a simple solution to all this suffering,
But for now, it's far away and unreachable.
For now I have nothing to hold onto,
And I've been stripped of my shield,
Left to rot in the desert wind.
Everyway I try to think of it,
It just drags me deeper down.
It can see me, as only bones and flesh,
Takes the weakest part,
And controls me; kills my mind.
I don't know what to do!
And still, I refuse it to be real.
If it's an unnamed problem,
How could I ever find a solution?
I'm scared of how long this thing will be with me,
I'm scared that I could never grow up,
With that ghost at my back.
I'm scared, that I'll never be normal,
And I won't be able to go on.
I'm scared of myself, and the things I don't understand.
I've been stripped to nothing,
But a broken child at wits end,
Hiding in the corner,
For the last soul saviour.