i struggle but for what? watching myself fail
in the face of your success

is ruining what little life
i have left
coursing through my veins
at what feels like a million miles per hour

moving like molasses in january

but still unable to focus
stuck between too-fast
& not enough class

too much time on my hands
but never enough to get through this

i'm at the breaking point,

honestly,
you mean nothing to me

but still

i let it run the course of my life—unable
to survive
by my own means; completely relying
on some(nonexistent)thing

always waiting & hoping & praying

for the end to be near—unsure
of my footing,
i slip & i fall

tumbling

into a darkness where
nothing's real, nothing can hurt me.
you can't touch me. you can't
hurt me (now)

thinking you'll come back soon

but then at the same time
putting what's left of my energy
into annihilating any evidence that you
ever existed

because

you were never there for me
when i needed you & you
left me knowing

it would hurt me more
than telling the truth ever could
but

i was your first love

& (i tell myself) you'll never forget
the first time you told me & you'll never
be able to walk away from
the last night you were there to hold me.