The water trickled over me, almost uncomfortably warm on my over sensitized skin. But despite the warmth of the water, the hard floor of the shower was just as cold as it had been the moment I slid down the slippery wall, to come resting upon it. Perhaps it was the chilled feel of my body, as the blood that worked its way through the systems ran cold as the blade pressed against my splayed wrist. No matter how fiercely I told myself this needed to be done, I could do no more than press that fine razor to my wrist. No matter how many times I repeated myself, that blade simply would not move.
In my mind, I was forcing myself to see reason; the fights, the heartaches, the disappointments that all justified this act of defiance. For that is what it was; a show of defiance. I was defying this world, these rules; these orders. But still I could not move. Because regardless of the images being forced to play in my mind, they were overshadowed by others. The smiles, the laughs, the stupid jokes and the friendships. The love, the happiness and the good times.
It was in the moment that a pair of startlingly blue eyes flashed into my mind that the razor blade fell from my fingers. In that instant, with those blue eyes fixed so firmly in my mind, everything became clear. Shockingly, amazingly, sweetly clear. I had heard an epiphany described once, as being a moment of sheer clarity, in which everything made sense. If I could call my moment one thing, it would have to be an epiphany.
Standing on shaky legs, I leant against the walls, feeling the water rush down my back. If this was what it was to have an epiphany, I wished they happened more often. My heart pounded, and adrenalin surged through me. My hands shook, and my lungs took in oxygen as if there were no tomorrow. Throwing a disgusted look at the discarded blade, I realized that if I had made a single movement, that statement would have been true. My disgust turned inwards, but the dark feeling was shredded by the glow I could not disperse.
Looking around the small shower, the tiles seemed to shine, and the water droplets adoring the walls seemed to glisten. The crystalline water pouring out of the showerhead was like a fountain, sparkling and beautiful, even though the dim lighting barely caused a glimmer. Even the mould infested ceiling drew wonder from me. It was as if I was looking at everything with a new light, and no longer was a looking through a dirty, grimy glass, I was looking through a new, clean glass that made everything perfect.
In the euphoria of the moment, I knew what I had to do. And in the lingering fraction of time, I did it. I stopped caring. Perhaps the feeling was short lived, and perhaps it would eventually go away, but in that millisecond, I didn't care. Because I knew in that second, the infallible truth; this was life, and it was beautiful.
Still gazing around with untainted eyes, I knew my mind was set. And a line of a quote I had once heard flitted through my mind, like a shock of electricity; everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. My own mind began to formulate, to adjust and expand, and to cut and crop and colour until my epiphany was set in a metaphorical stone.
With now steady hands, I turned off the water. The last droplets fell into my outstretched hands, and I gazed at them, captured by the breathtaking beauty in those three beads of colourless fluid. I could see nothing but the skin of my own hand through them; no worlds, no reflection, simply the slightly magnified lines of the skin beneath. Yet it still enthralled me, captured me so completely, that I stood for much longer than I had planned. But it was fine. Because I didn't care.
Because I know that everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. This life is a puzzle, so I'm just going sit back, and let the little pieces fall together. I'm going to let the straight edged pieces make the lines and the barriers in my life. I'm going to build it up from the edges, working my way to the middle. It may seem sometimes that every time I find a piece that fits, another two pieces fall out of place. But I'll let the puzzle form, because at the end of the day, this jigsaw is going to fall together, and I'll be looking at my own life, exactly as it should be.
I am in no way suicidal (I love my life), but I had this epiphany (I actually did have that, I don't know if it actually was an epiphany but it did help me with a tough decision *shrugs*), and the easiest way to put it down on paper was to make it that the character had some some of provocation that led to the epiphany. Hope you like it :) I would love it if you could all review and let me know that my hard work is being appreciated :)