I lie in bed, wrapped in my duvet. Within me are emotions so strong that my humble body doesn't seem worthy or large enough to contain them. I feel as though at any second these feelings will gush out of me, out of my mouth, my ears, my nose, my heart. And for a second they are almost tangible, like I could grab hold of them and hold them tight. They dance in front of me, bright pink constellations racing around my room.
Love. It's like being kicked in the guts, so powerful it's almost painful. This emotion isn't tame; I can't manage it into an understandable thing. It's inexplicable and incomprehensible. I roll onto my back and stare up at my swinging blue lamp shade. It occurs to me what a wonderful gift it is that I have been given. To think that I possess something so powerful that it save lives and rights wrongs and keeps the world spinning on it's cosmic axis and creates creation and heals and restores. How can I ever fully get this thing called love?
Now my mind as well as my heart is racing and I have to sit up because this is the kind of thinking that drags tiredness out of you. My hands somehow find my phone and I think about telling him all this. That he has rocked my normality and taken my breath away. That he is making me question the deepest depths of humanity and God about what I feel. I thought I had loved before but I know now I haven't even come close. Love isn't a safe little thing, it's something that takes you to the edge and then pushes you off. I can't text him all this though; I don't think all the credit in the world would let me describe it well enough.
Is it strange that every now and then… like right now… he seems to be right next to me? I know if I just turn my head he'll be there, always just out of my eye line. I reach out my hand and take his. We lean back, resting on the head board my Mum gave me because she thought that a bed doesn't look right without one. I rest my head on his shoulder and my eyes close. I don't want to open them again because I know when I do he'll be gone. But soon I can be with him. Maybe I'll tell him about tonight and everything I've felt but I don't think I'll find the words.