They say it's better to love and to have lost than to never have loved at all…or something like that. I think that, that is total bullshit. It's fucking hell to watch the girl-or guy- you're in love with, being with someone else. If I never loved a girl then I wouldn't have to see her walking around with someone else.
A lot of fucking tools at my school date a new girl practically every month-or week. And most of them don't give to fucks about if the girl moved on or if she's still into him. Seriously, if there was love in that relationship then you couldn't be just friends after. But then again seventy percent of high school bull shit relationships are just about sex or just having someone.
Which is why I don't date, I'm proud to say that I'm 18, a senior and I've never had a girlfriend. But hey I'm not loser; in fact I'm probably cooler than you. Actually I know I'm cooler than you. Yeah that's right! But it's okay, don't be sad- it's hard to reach my level.
I'm on the football team, swim team and baseball team. All varsity baby! I'm also ugly and hideously fat- just kidding.
"Landon, you're so strong!" Giselle giggles. Giselle Amhurst is my-female- best friend although it seems like we're dating or have dated or have something going on, we really don't. Completely platonic, I swear.
"So strong I should be in a circus!"
"You're strong but not buff sweetheart." She gives me a 'oh please' look.
"True…plus most strong men have that curly mustache. But I do have muscle-"
"Yeah, okay you have baseball arms but it's not like Sam's. Plus you're too tall to be muscley."
Sighhh, Jasey told me she loved my baseball arms.
"Oh sorry," She grins sympathetically as she sees my pained expression, "You really should just talk to her."
"No, I won't. I can't." I state adamantly.
"Oh come on, if you did you'd get her back for sure!"
"I'm not going to ask her out anyway G."
"Why not!" She screeches, "You have to. Well…once she's you know…"
"You can say that she has a boyfriend, everyone already knows." I add bitterly. It's not fucking fair. Okay actually I do know it's fair. Chase got her fair and square…in fact very few people even actually knew anything was going on between me and Jasey. Probably, just me, her, Giselle and probably Janice, Nate, Wyatt and Cole knew. I never talk about my love life. Ever but Giselle could apparently tell how in love I was by the look I gave her- she said that it was near impossible to tell though and she wasn't even sure. What can I say, I have an amazing poker face.
I'm sure she told Janice, considering they're best friends and tell each other everything and well she's always around Nate, Wyatt and Cole and they're such good friends it would make sense. Often people would suspect that Jase and Nate or Cole had something going on but after a while you see how it could never happen.
But then again maybe she wasn't even sure something was going on…even though I did tell her that I love her. You never know though, maybe she perceived it as a friendly love. Apparently there's a difference between 'I love you' and 'I'm in love with you'.
"Okay fine, she has a boyfriend. And they're very affectionate and often around you- maybe she wants you to see her and him together!"
"Does she want to make me miserable? If so, she's excelling. " Girls, complicated creatures.
"No- well kind of. Maybe she wants to make you like jealous or something. You know since you totally just cut off talking to her and acted as if nothing happened." Giselle slowly looks at me and the look just screams 'what to totally fuck up, failure'. "I mean really! You have her in your grasp and you didn't do anything! And it's Jasey, very few guys could even come close to snagging her."
I scoff, "Oh like you would've done better. You're relationships don't even last a week." Giselle is always happy and bubbly, she's extremely flakey and doesn't like commitment and she's just really too nice. Except when she's with me and Colin and one of us messes up something romantically- she takes romance seriously, but only if it's someone else's love life.
"That's because I'm different. I go through guys all the time. You never had a girlfriend. And I mean you and Jasey are so cute for each other- it's just so right. Like seriously, she's so outgoing and cute and pretty and like like funny and weird. You're not afraid to say something and you're cute and hunky and weird. She's weird, you're weird- you two be weird together! And it's like a good weird, so if two people who are good weird come together then you'll be like amazing. Seriously."
Me and Giselle stop walking as we see Colin laughing and walking through one of the side entrances with Jaseyand Chase. Damn it he's holding her.
"Yo bro!" Colin calls out.
"Hey broski!" I yell back. I walk towards them and Giselle follows, dramatically clearing her throat.
"Jasey! You look so cute today- like always." Giselle beams at Jase- she loves Jase and thinks she's so great.
It's true, Jase does look so cute.
She's five foot three, has green eyes, dark brown hair, pale skin, long eyelashes, skinny and curvy, has the best lips I've ever seen and cute as a button. Or a bunny, since buttons aren't cute.
"Whaddup J-Z!" Kendal greets as he pats my back.
"Kendal you're not black." Jasey laughs bluntly.
"Whateverrrr," He rolls his eyes, "How's things with your boy here?"
"Good." She says nonchalantly. For a veryyyy brief moment I can see the confusion on Chase's face. Stupid Chase, he doesn't get that she doesn't like talking about her love life…just like me. Except she's willing to talk sometimes while, I, on the other hand never do it. Except just this one with Giselle. Basically I'm stuck without a paddle and I need Giselle's help. Crap, I never thought that, that would happen.
"Jase, wanna walk around with me and Landon?" Giselle suggest.
"Chase can come too." Giselle smiles. I bet she's trying to show me how much of a screw up I am, damn her.
"Oh, uh sure." Jasey says apprehensively. Chase intertwines their fingers and the four of us head off.
"Seriously, you two are so cute." Elle gushes, "I swear, do you like watch his games?"
"Yeah," Jasey laughs before giving me a quick glance, "I mean I don't mind basketball but once baseball season starts ugh."
"I know! I totally hate baseball too."
"Yes! Like I hate how too many of my friends play baseball."
"Agreed." Giselle laughs, "Landon, what do you think?"
"I love baseball." I add looking away. Oh the memories of fighting with Jasey over baseball and lacrosse. We could sit on my couch for hours just talking and cuddling. God damn it and she wasn't even my girlfriend- if I was that happy without dating her imagine what it'd be like if we did date. Fuck I'm such a screw up. Damn you Giselle for being so right, right now.
"Me too man." Chase comments.
I make a slight nod and just keep quiet as the fucking jealousy consumes me. I bet they fight about baseball lacrosse, and I bet Chase gets to kiss her all he wants.
"Hey." Colin greets. I don't tear my eyes away from Jasey and Chase sucking each other's faces off.
"Hey." I growl. And to think, I used to be so good at keeping my emotions in check.
"Woah yo, what's eating you?"
"Nothing." I sigh frustrated. I rub my forehead and swivel around my bottle of water.
"Liar," Colin laughs, "Seriously what's wrong? And I never ask seeing as you never want to talk about it, but this seems legit."
"It's just- nothing. Annoying people who shouldn't be all over each other, let alone dating."
"Dude, Jasey and Chase? They're cute though." I look up and Colin is eyeing me wearily.
"Yeah well whatever I don't think they're fucking cute."
Colin makes and 'ohh!' face, "Oh I get it. You're jealous."
"No. I'm not." I add quickly, "And if I was I could so get Jasey."
Colin snorts, "Uh huh sure you're not. I was suspicious at first but now I know you're jealous."
"What, no you weren't."
"Yes I was, dude you never are angry. Plus I can see the way you look at her- before she started dating Chase too. You always look at her so…lovingly like really gentle and shit, then when she's with Chase you look like you want to rip his guts out."
"No Jasey is just an annoying bitch."
"No, not lies. I'm right. She's a bitch and I'm not jealous." Okay so maybe Colin is right but whatever he can't know. I don't want my jealousy to be so public and I don't want everyone to know that I'm in love with a girl who's taken and that I could've had but don't. It's just stupid and annoying. This situation is an annoying bitch not Jasey.
"You think that this situation is an annoying bitch not Jase." Damn Colin for knowing me so well.
"So what?" I growl lamely.
Colin chuckles and shakes his head. He gets up and walks over to Jasey and Chase and they stop kissing. Jasey smiles at Colin then the three of them look at me. I feel my heartbeat pick up and Jasey's smile fades. She looks down momentarily and says something to Colin. She shakes her head and I sigh, running my hand through my hair. Man I need a haircut. My hair is almost long enough for me to see when I shake my head- which means haircut time. If you can see your hair then it's time for a cut- if you're a guy that is.
I look back up and I see Jasey looking at me and her big green eyes blink and her lashes touch her cheek. God I love her face.
I watch her full lips move as she talks and she sighs. Colin walks back over with a sympathetic look on his face and Jase and Chase get up and leave.
"Dude, talk to her."
"No, I can't. If she wants to talk to me then she'll talk to me."
"Brohan, seriously that's what she thinks. She says that if you want to talk to her you will. If you both wait for the other to talk first then you're never going to talk!"
"I know I should fucking grow a pair and talk to her, but whatever. I'm not going to. She's got her guy and it's clearly not me."
Fuck I knew it! You so love her. What happened?"
"Nothing-a lot- look I just don't want to…relieve that right now."
"Whatever floats your boat."
God I place fourth in my last race since I had that little…angry episode at lunch. Seriously, I never get angry and now my mind is all over the fucking place. What the fuck is wrong with me?
"Hey! Dude lookin' hot in your swimwear."
"Totally broski. Such a lady killer."
"Yeah maybe you'll be attractive enough that one day you won't have to kill the ladies."
"Hah hah." I roll my eyes sarcastically, "So what's up Colin?"
"Just wishing you luck. You bombed last time- you never place less than second."
"I know! Whatever, I'll kick ass this time."
"You know it aquaman."
"Most definitely." I laugh.
"But uh hey do your phone? I need to call someone."
"Yeah I'll get it."
I weave my way through the crowd of people and head to the locker room. I make a turn and stop.
"Hey," Jasey says quietly. She's sitting on the bench right by my bag, "Colin told me you needed some…good luck."
"W-what." I say lamely. Way to go me.
"You've never did badly when it comes to sports, not even when your grandfather died. Nothing fazes you and yet you place fourth last week?"
"Yeah…I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Landon why can't you just admit it?"
"Admit what?" I try to play coy.
"That maybe you miss me? Or maybe I actually mean something to you?"
"Look, it doesn't matter. Shouldn't you be with your boyfriend?" I sneer.
"Oh come on Lan, you think you can play the unfeeling card on me? I know you better than that."
"Okay. Okay, fine! You want me to tell you how I'm feeling?" I shout.
"Yeah I do! Ever since that day you won't tell me anything. You won't even talk to me and you barely even look at me!" She yells, standing up.
"Yeah well it's hard to fucking look at you when I can see how you can clearly go on without me and move onto someone new. It's not like you talk to me anyway! And trust me I do look at you Jasey I fucking stare at you when you're not looking and it's become so obvious I'm sure that everyone in your class can tell that I'm fucking love with you."
"Oh yeah? How come I can't tell?"
"Maybe because you're so fucking…untrusting. Or just- just fucking stupid! You know what after all that time and all the times I tell you I love you, you still don't believe me!"
"How can I believe you when even though you say you love me, you go and flirt with other girls and you don't even take me out on a date or even ask me to be your girlfriend?! You leave me there to wonder if you really have any feelings for me or if you're just playing with me!" She stabs my chest and I grab her wrist.
"Okay fine! Jasey fucking Richards I'm in love with you, okay?! I fucking love you. And even though I'm in love you with I can't have you and I can't even fucking ask you out even if you were single because no matter how much I'm in love with you I'll still believe that you'll find someone better. That you'll leave me and I'll end up like this- broken and desperate to be with you! Are you fucking happy now!?" I bark, getting very close to her face.
"No I'm not happy! I'm fucking glad you're a jealous mess but I sure as hell wish you'd tell me these things before! Before I actually cried over a boy for the first time and before I had to wonder if you actually cared and before I thought you were only playing with my feelings!"I drop her wrist and she puts her hands on her hips. I see the slight pink on her face for admitting that she cried. I don't think anyone has seen Jasey cry except for Nate.
"You cried?" I say gently. We're standing so close I can almost feel her heartbeat…or maybe it's mine because my heart is about to jump out of my chest.
"Look that doesn't matter…"
"Jase, you never cry."
"Yeah, well you never lose either."
"Not until I lost you." Jasey takes a deep breath and looks down. Carefully use my calloused hands to lift her chin and her green eyes meet my blue ones. Naturally she places a hand on my hip and I do the same.
"I missed you." She admits.
"I missed you like you couldn't believe."
Slowly I lower my face so our lips are almost touching but she pushes me away.
"I have a-"
"Yeah, yeah right." I shake my head. God I'm stupid- I'm so fucking stupid.
"No- you were right to do that. Sorry. I-we need- I uh need to go my race is soon."
I rush out of the locker room and Jasey follows.
"Hey you two-" Colin greets.
"Save it." I tell him.
"Everyone in the next race please line up." A man announces. Thank you karma.
I jog through the crowd and get in place. I slide my cap on and I look down at my swim pants. They're black and go to my knees, easily mistakable for trunks- which is a benefit of our teams uniform.
"Swimmers take you places! 3…2…1!" A shot goes off and I jump in. I swim as fast as I can and with all my force without paying attention to anything. All I think of is to just keep moving and before I know it I look and hit the wall with my hand. I take my cap off and I see the person to my left hit the wall moments after I.
"In first place, Landon Marshal, second, Jason Martinez and third Cody Stevenson!" I climb out of the pool and I get enveloped by hugs and cheers.
"Landon oh my god! You did so great!"
"Like totally, I know isn't he just the best?"
"Landon you're such a hottie, I'm so glad you got like first!"
I give them all sad grins and smirks before telling them I need to go somewhere. One girl even attempts to follow but I manage to shake her off.
"Hey bro, you never managed to tell me what happened." Colin says, sticking his hands in his pockets.
"Stuff." I sigh lamely.
"Really, what kind of stuff?" Colin asks with a smirk. He probably thinks something sexual or at least physical happened.
"Not that kind of stuff. We talked and said somethings…"
"Things. Look can we not talk about this?"
"Dude, seriously Landon. You broke a school record and scored first, you've been so down you haven't even been able to appreciate it."
"I know," I sigh, "I just really…I don't know."
"You so love her. Does Elle know?"
"Nah I can't tell her, she'd make too big a deal."
"It is a big deal!" Colin shouts, "Seriously."
"Cool it blondie." I swear even though he's a nice kid, when he gets frustrated or mad you can tell why he's a hockey player.
"Yeah well- wait shut up!"
"You're the one-"
"Shh!" Colin stops and nudges me. I look up and Jasey is looking down while she's talking to Chase, while he looks frantic. She stops talking and Chase's mouth moves furiously and she stops him. She walks away with a perturbed look on her face- right past us.
"I wonder what that was about." I say.
"Oh damn! She broke up with him!"
"What, how do you know?"
"I don't but I can just tell."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Whatever!" Colin yells, "We'll ask Giselle later- she's bound to know any gossip."
I sigh as I finish up my science homework. What a drag. I mean my day got a lot better since it's true that Chase and Jasey broke up but I don't know I guess it's just because I know she's single. She's single and any guy can go after her now. And then I don't even know if I'll be able to ask her to be my girlfriend. She knows most how I feel but then I'm just confused. God damn, I feel like a chick.
The doorbell rings and abiding by the rules of the house, closest to the door gets it.
"I got it!" I shout.
I slowly shuffle to the door and ruffle my hair, "Hello-"
"Hey." Jasey greets.
"Jase! Oh- I uh- Jasey-"
"Look I just wanted to tell you that-"
"You and Chase broke up? Yeah I know…I didn't know if- I couldn't tell-"
"Landon, can I have that kiss now?"
"No, I heard you it's just…" Before I could finish Jasey put her hands onto my neck and pulled me down onto her lips. Oh sweet Lord, the way her lips feel…the way they taste…my heart literally stopped.
All too quickly she pulled away.
"This doesn't mean that you're automatically my boyfriend. You have to work for that now."
"I wouldn't expect any less from you." I smile. She'll be the death of me.
A/n: Wahooo! Right before Halloween I just finished this up. I hope you like itttt!
Please review! It'd be the world to me(: