I thought I was stronger than this and that I could move on to something better,but i was wrong.
Have you ever tried to put into words how you feel? If you haven't trust me it's not the easiest thing in the world to do. Oh, if you ever happen to run across this stop reading here okay? This is something I'm writing not for you but for myself. If you choose to continue reading, I'm warning you we could lose what little friendship we've managed to form since our break up. I don't want to lose that so if you must continue to read I need you to promise it won't affect our friendship. If you can't do this then please ball this up, throw it away and never look at it again.
When I first saw you in piggly wiggly, I was instantly attracted to you. You were the cutest guy I had ever seen in my life. I bugged Beth about you until she managed to get me your number. I don't know how long I had your number until I got the guts to text you. When I found out you were in a relationship and happy I was disappointed but we decided to be just friends. I don't remember how much we texted but it was to the point where I grew really close to you. I felt like I could trust you with anything.
Then one Friday I decided to go to a football game with Beth and I met you. To say I liked you was an understatement. I was intrigued by you on a level that I had never felt before. When I looked at you I didn't see a guy who I merely liked I saw someone who was a devoted christen, an amazing musician, and one of the nicest people I had ever met. Once we met, it wasn't just your looks I was attracted to anymore. I was baffled by the fact that you were interested in me because I was just this thirteen year old who was still trying to find her place in the world and you were this older, mature guy who had found his place.
When we finally began to date I was ecstatic, I'm serious just ask Beth. You were the best thing in my life and I was so happy with you. I lived thirty minutes away but somehow we managed to work with only seeing each other three days out of a week. The phone calls where we talked for hours made my nights. I loved how we could talk for hours and never run out of things to say. When I looked at you, I saw my future. You changed my life Jason, when you entered my life I was this girl whose life was going nowhere. I had no religion in my life and I didn't love anyone. I didn't know how to let people into my life.
When we broke up for the last time I knew something was different because neither of us tried to fix it. At the time, I felt like I was fine without you that my life would be okay without you. Then as time passed I began to realize what a mistake I had made but by that time you were with some other girl and I was left alone trying to sort through all these feelings I had running around inside me. I was broken and at that time, I didn't even try to fix myself because I believed I couldn't have a life without you in it.
It's been years since the time, we dated and shared everything but I can still say without a doubt that I love you. I've loved you the entire time and no matter how hard I try not to it just doesn't work. I want to tell you all this but the threat of the silence that may follow scares me. When I was falling for you, like really falling for you everything in the world just seemed so easy and nothing could hold me back from my dreams or you. Then when we broke up, I realized it was all a joke that there is a world of possible things holding me back from my dreams and holding me back from you.
I can still remember in detail all the late night talks we had. The ones where we would stay up till three or four in the morning talking, where I would have to whisper my part of the conversation because I was supposed to be in bed hours ago. Those nights like that I felt like we were the only people in the world and that as long as we were together the world couldn't hurt us. When I remember all those times we spent together I get this aching feeling throughout my body and it doesn't matter if I'm in the middle of class, a conversation or driving down the road that aching feeling breaks me causing me to cry. I just, I wanted everything to stay the way it was but you know people change and sometimes feelings fade.
When I look back on my life and everything I've been through I can honestly say that the day in the pig when I saw you I never thought I'd be in love like this. I never thought I wouldn't make it through a day where you didn't pop into my mind. I never thought I could cry this much over something that happened years ago but somehow the time that has passed has only worsened the pain instead of numbing it. The feelings I get whenever I catch you looking at me sometimes make my day because for that little space of time I was all you saw.
I'm stronger than this but for some reason my heart refuses to let you go. It's just holding on for some insane reason that my brain just doesn't understand. Do you know what it's like to know that you're stronger than the way your acting but you can't do anything about it? I miss everything about you. The way you say my name, the way you would wrap your arms around me and whisper I love you my Angel. I miss that all the time. Before I met you, I didn't even know I could love someone I wasn't related to so much. I didn't understand that one singular moment could hurt me so much but the moment where I realized it was a mistake not being with you haunts me making me miserable all the time. I wish I could remember every single word that you ever said to me because than maybe I could get by, and live my life to a point.
I see you every day and to be completely honest with you I don't know how I feel about it because when I only saw you every once in a while I could deal with the cold shoulder but now when I get it every single day and I feel like I was a mistake to you. Someone you wish had never happened because if I wasn't then we could be friends but we aren't at least not really. Our lives, Jason, are made up of moments and when those moments are over so is life. I want my moments to have you in them but what do you want? Do I have a place in your moments?
I've been ignoring all this pain for the last couple of years but something has changed and I can't even tell you what it is. I just know that I've tried to move on with my life but everywhere I look I see you. I can't understand why my life is like this, why I've held on to something so broken that it can never be fixed. I only know that when I look at you I feel like I'm where I was meant to spend my life. I've come to believe that nothing lasts forever because if it did then we as humans couldn't function. We feel the need to try and fix the things that break and at first I thought that's what I was doing, just holding on because I felt the need to fix our damaged relationship. Except that as time passed and my feelings didn't ease up any I began to realize that maybe I wasn't just holding on because we are broken maybe it's because I truly love you.
When I'm standing next to you I have this feeling that I might suffocate because when I'm next to you I find it increasingly difficult to breathe. It's just that when I feel you so close all those emotions I try to keep suppressed pour into me and it's like they take up the room my lungs use to expand so it's almost impossible to breathe. When I was writing earlier, I realize that needing someone and wanting someone are two completely different things. I may not need you Jason but I definitely want you. With you in my life, the world just seems like a brighter more beautiful place.
You came into in my life and the mark you left is permanent so you're someone I can never forget. Yes, people come and go and each person changes you just a little be it be bad or good but every single person will leave a mark in your life. The mark you left doesn't waiver, I can't get rid of it, and I'm not even sure I want to. We are what romance was made for because when you love someone despite the fact that the love has no chance to survive that my dear is what true romance is; loving someone who doesn't feel the same.
When I met you, I never thought I would fall this hard or that you wouldn't catch me. I thought we would last forever or until one of us ceased to exist. I never thought I'd have to face a day where you didn't stand beside me. I never thought I'd tell you how I felt in a letter you'll never see. When I first met you, I never thought I would have to hide my feelings and face you every day. I guess that's what makes this life, the unexpected events. I love you now and forever.