can i even say dear? you fucked up so bad. so bad. i don't know that i'll ever forgive you. you pushed those bad memories away, shoved them into a deep dark corner. sometimes they say, 'i was abused a lot.' yeah? well, you abused a lot. those people they say they hate, can never forgive? that's you. they can never forgive you. most of your friends have abandoned me. where the fuck is katy where are you, this requires thought? subbie? i know you're there somewhere. she misses you.
why am i so depressed? why? why did i fuck up so bad? why did i love the pain? i'll tell you the truth: i'm not a masochist. i'm a sadomasochist. i love pain. but even more, i love hurting others. why am i so fucked up?
don't blame yourself. don't blame anyone else, for that matter. forgive. forgive yourself. forgive others. don't get hung up on good and bad. trust yourself. love yourself. stay strong. (can i even say 'stay'? i have not been strong. i've been... pretending to be strong. try harder.)
(i can't say 'love' because i know i don't love you.)