Everyday is a struggle between what I wanna say
And what I should keep to myself
And the words that manage to leave my lips
Don't hurt me, but they hurt everyone else

And I find myself in need of a pause
I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because
Of this desire to be what others want me to be
Which is nothing close to me

[Chorus:]
But I'll see better when the smoke clears
When the smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said
And all that remains me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens everyday

Everyday is a battle between what I wanna know
And what I don't wanna figure out
And everything in between in these thoughts of mine
That you know I can't live with out

And I find myself in need of a pause
I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because
Of this desire to be what others want me to be
Which is nothing close to me

I looked into the pond and saw a reflection. The girl looking back at me had long light brown hair and dark brown eyes. She had a small nose and small lips. She had a birthmark on her neck just like me. Everyone said she is me. But, I don't know why I don't recognize her. She seemed so forign but at the same time so firmilliar.

I don't know how to feel. I don't know if i should be sad or scared. I don't know if I should be happy and laugh. Its like someone put all of my feelings into a big cup and shook it up. Then they made me drink it and now my feeling are conflicted. Why am I not sad that my grandpa died. Thats how you are supposed to feel right? Then why do I not want to cry. Why do i feel like I don't care. I have always felt how people told me to. I have always done what people ex pected of me. But, what about how I want to feel? What about how I want to act.

Why should I be sad hat a Grandfather that I have maybe seen twice in my whole lifetime is dead. I know he is famly but, I didn't know him. Why should I be sad for him when people die every second? I didn't know him any better then I know the next guy who dies.

I single duck walked over to me quacking. I threw a piece of bread at it and it hobbled away. I looked back into the dark water and looked at the stars reflecting on the black liquid. it seemed so sureal. I closed my eyes and leaned back on the grass.


School... I can't say I don't like school. I do most of the time. I mostly like the work. It's a good distration from the rest of the world. I don't have any friends though. I am more of the loner quiet type who sits in the back of the class room and gets stright A's. I almost never talk in class. But frsomereason today in my debate class I felt adventourious. We were talking about abbortion and all of the so called popular girls in class said it shuld be an acceptable thing to do. No one was speaking up to them because... well they are the popular girls and there for are always right. I raised my hand into the air and the teacher loked shocked for a moment.

"Harper?" He said confussed from his spot at the front of the class room.

"I disagree with Carmen and Ashley." I said and everyone in the class turned around to look at me. "I don't think abortin shuld be accepted." I said simply.

"Ya well, if I wanted to get an abortion I would. It's my bdy and I can do what I want with it." Carmen said and Ashley aggred with her. Truth is both of them have had abbortions and everyone knew it.

"It might be your body." I said my voice getting more confident. "But, its not your life to take. Who are you to play God? Who are you to say that baby can't have a life? Would you kill a baby who is already born? If you ask me I don't see the difference. And, if you kill a baby thats born its considered murder."

"Of course I wouldn't kill a baby thats already born. They are already alive and breathing. But, when a baby is still in the womb it isn't and its not like it feels the pain." Carmen shot back with a glare.

"Babys in the womb are just as alive as you and me are. They kick their mothers tummys all the time. They couldn't do that if they were dead. And, they dont feel pain? Do you even know what they do when they give you an abortion? They chop the baby up like its some kind of meat and then suck it out of your stomack. And if you are stupid enough to get pregnent the least you can do is own up to it." I said my voice getting louder and louder.

"Well," Carmen said at a loss for words. "I still say what I said earlier it's my body."

"Ya, But like I said earlier. It's not your life." I kinda felt bad because this is a subject I felt really strongly about. I don't think she is a bad person for getting an abortion at all. I just wish she would relize that you can't just get rid of something when you don't want it.

"Well, the bell is about to ring so pack up your papers and thank you all for participating in class today." Mr.... is it sad that its Febuary and I don't know my teachers name?

I walked out of the class room and headed to lunch. I went right to my table in the library and sat down. No one ever sat by me as I worked on my homework. I pulled out my math homework and started working. I heared a chair pull out from across from me and I looked up. My debate teacher was sitting there. I felt bad that I still didn;t know his name. He is a younger teacher of about 34 or 35. He has black hair and is pretty tall. His brown eyes looked at me as I finished the problem I was working on.

"Um... hi?" I said with a confussed look.

"Harper, I know this is random but, I really need another team member for our schools debate team. Their are four other kids on our team but we need five to go and compette at state. Do you think you would be interested?" I just looked at him for a minute. I have never been in a club or on a team for well just about anything.

"Um... really?"

"Yes, we need outspoken leaval headed people to be on our team. You seem to have both of those qualities and Harper please. We really want to go to state and we need just one more person." He said and ran his hand through his hair. I suddenly remembered his name. It's Mr. Raniger.

"I guess I will join you debate team then." I said and pulled my phone out to text my mom and tell her I was going to be home late tonight.

"Ok meet in my room right after school. And thank you Harper." He said getting up. I finished my math homework and went to the choir room. I loved to sing... well, as long as no one could hear me. I made sure no one was in the room befor I sat down and grabed a guitar.

"Everyday is a struggle between what I wanna say, And what I should keep to myself" I sang the lyrics to my favorite song. It almost scared me how much it was true. "And the words that manage to leave my lips, Don't hurt me, but they hurt everyone else, And I find myself in need of a pause, I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because, Of this desire to be what others want me to be, Which is nothing close to me." I closed my eyes as I sang the courus

"But I'll see better when the smoke clears ,When the smoke clears inside my head, And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said ,And all that remains me and who I am at the end of the day ,And this happens everyday, Everyday is a battle between what I wanna know, And what I don't wanna figure out , And everything in between in these thoughts of mine, That you know I can't live with out, And I find myself in need of a pause, I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because , Of this desire to be what others want me to be , Which is nothing close to me" I opened my eyes and let out a deep breath.

I loved coming in here and just singing. It was the perfect way to i guess let of and well... underrstand. I have the hardest time telling someone how I feel. It's much easier to sing it. The bell rang and I headed to my next class which was drama.

Today we are starting to work on our monologues I am doing one from a midsummer nighs dream. I am playing the part of Helena. I went to my normal spot in the class room and started to work on memorizing it. Soon enough the bell rang and I headed to my last hour. I had English last hour. We read from our assigned books untill the bell rang.

After the final bell rang I headed back to Mr. Raniger's room. When I walked in their were four students sitting on the couch on the side of his room talking and he was bouncing a baby who was crying. I walked over to him and took the child and started to bounce it much slower then her was. She imediatly quieted down.

"How did you do that?" He asked confussed as her eyes started to droop.

"I babysit alot." I said simply and huushed the baby. "What's her name?" I asked as her eyes closed all the way. She had black hair and a tan complection. She only looked to be about a few months old.

"Her name is Gaby and she is my daughter." He siad as I sat her back in her baby carrier. "I'm not very good with babys." He admitted shyly.

"Ya, no offence but I could tell." I said with a smirk. "Don't worry though. I can garentee you will learn." I said and went to sit by the rest of the students. I didn't recognize any of them. Big shocker there...

"Well, now that Harper has gotten the baby in control for us let me introduce you all." Mr. Raniger said sitting on the desk in front of the couch. I pulled a chair up and sat next to the couch.

"This is Taylor." He said pointing to the first girl. She had long blond hair with streeks of blue, black purple and red in it. Her blue eyes smiled at me as she waved. Next to her is Brielle." He said pointing to the next girl. She was hispanic with incretibly long dark brown hair and almost black eyes. She was also really short. "Next is Jared." He said pointing at the boy next to Brielle. He had brown light brown hair and brown eyes. He had a goldish skin color and looked like a foot ball player. "And, last but not least Tristan." I staired at Tristan and was dumb struck. How come I have never noticed him before? He was white but looked like he had been in the sun for a long time and had dark brown hair that fell over his forehead. He had grey eyes and looks tall and lean but at the same time very muscular.

"It's nice to meet you all." I said looking down at my lap.

"Ok, as I was saying today we aregoing to play some get to know you games so first off we are going to play the question game. Someone asks a question then everyone answers it. Then the next person then so on and so forth. So, Taylor why dont you start.

"Ok, What is your favorite color?" She said

"Green" said Brielle

"Blue" said Jared

"Black" said Tristan. I thought for a second. What is my favorite color? Well I have always lover dark colors. Like the color of the waves crashing into shore at night.

"Purple." I said sure of myself for the first time in a while.

"Red" said Mr. Reniger. We continued playing the game and I found myself coming out of my shell a little. I found out that Taylor and Tristan are twins even though they look nothing alike. Jared has an older brother and Brielle has three younger siblings. I am the only one who is an only child.

"Ok," Jared said and he poped his nuckles. We had gone through the circle a couple of times and it is his turn again. "What is your mother and fathers names?" Oh shit...

"Marissa and Jayston" said Tristan. It was my turn I got kind of nervious and cleared my throught.

"Well, my moms name is Violet." I said and tried to think fast. How do I say the next part? My father walked out on my mother and I went I was three and I have never cared enough to ask her his name? I tried to think of a made up name so I could just say something but it was like all the names left my head. "And, um... I don't know my dads name." I said truthfully and looked at the design on my jeans.

"My mothers name is Beth and My fathers name is Joe." I thanked God that he continued talking with out questioning me. After a few more trust games he told us to meet back up in two day. Apparently they had meeting everyother day. As I walked out of the door Taylor came and walked by me followed by Tristan.

"I heared how you told off bitch cheer leaded one and two today durring class." Said said with a smile. "You are my new hero!" She attacked me in a hug. I laughed and hugged her back.

"They were pissing me off. And it made it even worse that no one would stand up to them." I said as we walked towards the parking lot

"Well, thank you! Like I said you are my new hero" We both laughed as we got in our seperate cars. I think I just made my first friend... And, sad thing is... I'm a junior in high school.